Monday, September 24, 2012


i am missing you
it seems...more than i can bear.
i miss the sunshine you brought...
to this house
to this family
to this heart.

i can't stop crying.
i made brownies for you
because they were your favorite.

i bought carnations 
they were the color of old blood.
i saw my heart in them
gushing every time it beats

 i realized
i don't know who i am anymore
without you

i unscrewed the mason jar 
on my dresser
it holds the last braid of your hair that I cut
it still smells like your head.

 i sat on the floor of your closet
surrounded by your clothes
wishing you were debating what to wear...

 i wore your boots
even though they were too tight
the clickety clack echoed in my ears
and i saw you as you walked 
so confidently in them

i wanted so badly 
to ask your advice
you always told the truth
even if it might sting a little

they are watching the home movies 
of when you were little
i can't
not today
i can't bear it

 i smelled the crisp air
and for the first time
i hated fall

i wish that God decided to let you live
 or would let me die instead

i want to go to Scotland
and see you again



  1. Oh Lucy, life just doesn't make any sense. I'm sitting on the bed next to my Mom who has definitely declined mentally probably to the age of two or three!!! Calli's Great Grammy, as you know! She's confused, complaining and not making any sense while I'm reading your blog!! Night time is always worse for her. I just wanted to ask her to stop moaning and complaining so I could read your blog in peace! She doesn't ever want me to leave her side, again, probably the age mentality of a child two years old or so! I wanted to ask her to stop complaining and wanted to explain to her what I was reading and how you, Mike and Aidan are so lost without Calli but she doesn't understand!! That is why life doesn't make sense because your sweet Calli should still be here...and Mom Should remember her!! Your poem is so heartfelt! Every word, every line made my eyes fill with tears...and then the beautiful pictures of Calli...there are no words! No words to take the pain away, no words that can ever make any sense of it! As my friend told me, you are living a parents worst nightmare and there is nothing anyone can ever do or say to make that hurt go away!! The only thing I can continue to do is let you, Mike and Aidan know how very much we love you and we are family and will always be here for you if you need us!! Thank you for continuing your blog Lucy...HUGS and Love to all of you sweetheart!!!!!!

  2. You will always be Calli & Aidan's Mom, that can never be taken away. Calli is with you everyday, in memories, in music, art, all the things she loved. You miss her, but don't lose yourself, she would want you to be the best Mom to Aidan, & the best Wife also. Calli treasured you & your whole family, your values, & beliefs. Live your life as you always have and Calli will always be smiling & laughing & her spirit will forever soar, for she was a chosen Angel, as she already had the Spirit, values & beleives as you had taught her well. Be proud Mom & try not to cry, but if you do....Butterfly kisses willwipe them away.

    1. I couldn't have put it better myself :)
      Good advice- although hard to hear perhaps in these
      fresh days of lose.
      still- read this Lucy. again and again.
      love, aa

  3. My words are like a tiny bandaid trying to cover a gaping wound. They can't heal. You may feel lost now but you still have so much to give to this world. You have experienced hurt that is unfathomable to me. You now look at the world through the eyes of those experiences. Keep helping us to open our eyes to the world you see, to understand what really matters.

  4. I'm sure it's harder than I can ever imagine losing a child. Praying for ya'll.

  5. I'd like to share some words that someone shared with me.

    On Passing - As now I have passed from suffering and strife... Do not grieve my dear loved ones, I've entered a new life... A life spent in beauty, no sickness or pain. In Heaven's green fields I'm walking again... As I passed Heaven's portals into God's presence there, I thanked Him, in new health, and for you, said a prayer... As now I have passed life and death's misty door, I've gained understanding as never before... In retrospect I see the love that you have given me; I see the beauty of the days spent with our family and friends... In times so trying, your priceless love; And in my illness, constant care you made my troubled spirit light, by just your being there... As now I have passed to a world strange and new Even though you can't see me, I'll watch over you... And always I'll be there, have faith, never fear Our hearts clasped together in love, ever dear... When someday you've passed to this world bright as sun I'll be waiting, with open arms, we'll be together, Always as one.

    As always with Love, Beth Jonczyk-Ross


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