Wednesday, July 23, 2014

a year of silence....

So many times
In the last year
I have had pages 
pour out from my gut
from my tongue,
from my fingers,
into the air....
I so dearly wanted to capture them 
to remember, to learn from them
I wanted them
so very much
to stay
and teach us all
to remember....
but they were gone.
in the spans of the sky
in the envelopes of time...
they were frozen
STUCK
unable to detach
and appear
here
on this page
for you

so with that...
I now write...again...slowly...easing back
I. Am. Sorry.

People have written, wondering how we are...
my response is always honest...
however not always pleasing...

I read something recently on Pinterest:
"It is none of my business what you think of me."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...
right now, I do not have many words...
some of you are thinking...
"Wow, finally...no words for Lucy..."

It is none of my business what you think of me...
I am keeping that one pasted to my forehead for a while :)

Here a few pictures...

This is Aidan- my how he has grown....
Mike- being pensive, me being...me

REST

FREEDOM- lost a lot, gave a lot away...

fat lazy babies
Shaya is still looking for Calli...literally LIVES in her room

I miss everything about you...without you...


there will be more pictures
and words
be patient with me..
if you are reading this...
you certainly are a patient person..
Here are 3 videos,
one to challenge you and make you think about
children fighting for their lives each day
one to make you crack up
one to help you understand where Aidan is

Blessings, peace, liberty,love and unity in Jesus name to you


Something for you to watch...please watch it, take time, it is sad, but necessary:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oljTL1iuMmY

This one is to make you laugh....Mike, Aidan and I laughed REALLY hard
And you may not like rap or hip/hop 
but Aidan listened to this song and it really really spoke to him...
so we played it and it spoke to our cores...
about him and his sister...
this may be a song a guy wrote about a girl,
but to Aidan, it is about her

 
here are the lyrics:

Battle Scars
by Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian

These battle scars don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change
These battle...

Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruins wooing me
Arrow holes that never close from cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid ’cause I know there ain’t no you and me

But when you’re trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up and you know that you should know
And let her go but the fear of the unknown
Holding another lover strong sends you back into the zone

With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter on the front line with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle, maybe sharpen up a song
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone


I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
’Cause I’m the only one that’s trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her

I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
’Cause it’ll never be over until you tell me it’s over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change
These battle…


 just leave then
You shouldn’t have, but you said it
hope you never come back
It shouldn’t have happened, but you let it
Now you’re down on the ground screaming “Medic!”
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses

Shields, body armors and vests
Don’t properly work, that’s why you’re in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine is to probably just let them win

I wish I couldn’t feel, I wish I couldn’t love
I wish that I could stop ’cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that’s trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her

I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
’Cause it’ll never be over until you tell me it’s over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change
These battle…

’Cause you’ve set me on fire
I’ve never felt so alive, yeah

Now hope wounds heal but it never does
That’s because you at war with love

And I’m at the point of breaking
And it’s impossible to shake it

See, you hoped the wound heals but it never does
That’s ’cause you at war with love
Hope it heals but it never does
That’s ’cause you at war with love

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain’t never gonna change
Hope the wound heals but it never does
That’s ’cause you at war with love
You at war with love, yeah

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

you mean everything to me

You placed the stars into motion.
You called to the Light and it came into place.
Every detail of our beings You created.
Like a good Father you take care...
You hold my being.
You wrap yourself around every detail of my life.
You place everything into motion
And all I have to do is stand in the palm of your hand...
cause I mean everything to You.
I mean everything to You! Oh Yea.
You wrap Yourself around me yeah!
You hold me together in Your hand!
When I'm feeling that I'm falling apart 
and I'm everywhere...
You hold me now!
Cause I mean everything to You!
I mean everything to You!
And You mean everything to me...
you mean...oh!
And You mean everything to me! 
 You mean everything to me...yea.
Daddy God, You mean everything to me!
I bear my soul completely before You!
Oh yea...I'm Yours.
Cause you mean everything to me!
Everything in this whole world...

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

the little things...

 A month or so ago
I ventured out for some exercise
On our long and winding road
I looked up a realized

I really should slow down
to take in all that I could see
so much beauty to behold
 so much God has placed before me
I had to slow down
to capture what I saw  
in the berries
in the bees
 in the geese call
 the bugs were so pretty
the corn was too
even the cracks in the road
and the pile of horse poo
and for but a small moment
I felt a lighter load
The day I slowed my pace
and walked along the road

 -poem & pictures written and taken by Lucy Derstine

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Year of Impossible Goodbye's

"Memory is a way of 
holding on to the things you love, 
the things you are, 
the things you never want to lose."     
from The Wonder Years


July 3, 2012...
the very last time she was awake,
kissed us back,
and spoke to us,
she said, 
"Daddy take me home, I just want to go home."
So later that night,
an ambulance transported 
her comatose body
home to her bed
to her dogs
to her cat
All night and all day,
Mike and I stayed by her side...
praying,
reading scriptures to her,
singing to her,
playing her favorite worship music

 July 4, 2012 Mike was pleading, "Calli wake up, come on, get up."


She slept very peacefully
the entire day....
heart rate rock solid,
blood pressure absolutely normal
no death rattle
no horrible gasping breaths
just peace...
Around 8 pm,
her breathing slowed a bit
the bed began to shake
I thought she was having a seizure,
but realized it was Roscoe,
one of our dogs,
under her bed
trembling.
He knew.
Jesus was in that room
coming to take her hand
and lead her down a long dark road
to His light
His Freedom
His healing
Her home
At 8:20 pm, on July 4, 2012
She took her very last breath
and let go
and emerged from that
cancer-ridden body
and flew away

 Knowing that she
was secure
in Her Father's hands

She met Jesus face to face
and was embraced by Her Heavenly Father...
her Grandmom and Grandpop
and her Poppy
and countless other family members
and Christopher
and Gabby
and so many other warrior children
just like her that 
passed on before her
and all the Saints....
oh the glorious rapture
of Joy that must have filled her heart
When she saw Ruth and Esther
and Keith Green
and King David
and Paul...


 Despite what we knew,
that Calli was healed
and whole
and ok
not just ok,
but with Jesus
in her mansion....

Shock hit.
Absolute shock.
We thought she just had an infection.
But she died.

It was very hard to call our friends 
and family that night.
What do I say?
 "Calli is with Jesus."
Some of them did not believe me.
It was not a joke.
They had just seen her awake and alive and fine.


Looking at an empty bed....
my child's empty bed...
was surreal.

The next day,
we made all the arrangements 
that you have to make
and I told them how to do her hair
and light makeup...

I got a call later on
from the funeral director
asking me to come
because her hair
did not look right.

At first, I dreaded
having to go see her
without life
without breath...
but then, I longed to stay with her...
her body.

So I went and
her hair was a mess, 
so Mike brought all of her
things to me,
and I spent the next 4 hours 
carefully washing & drying and
doing my baby's hair, nails, and makeup.

Believe it or not, it was a precious time
The last time
I wold take care of my daughter
I sang to her
and talked to her
and felt really good 
doing this for her
I am her mommy, it is
only fitting that I do it- not a stranger
I took pictures of her whole life.

I am not ashamed
to share...
A year later...
her beauty.
I find these pictures
very beautiful.


Blue, Yellow and Green 
were her favorite colors

Our good friends from Hawaii
sent leis that were draped 
around her casket.

When we buried Mike's mom 4 months earlier,
Calli walked in the casket room,
looked at the beautiful wooden casket
and said, "I like this one, it is simple."
It was the same one Mike's mom had chosen
when she buried his dad.

She loved the woods
and all things natural
She looked like 
sleeping beauty
and an angel
not sick at all.



 Queen Anne's lace was one of her favorite flowers.
The week she died,
Our yard was filled with them.

 August 4,
one month later
I was going to visit her grave...
And I passed a field of queen Anne's lace
I cut as many as I could fit in the back of my car.
Then I passed a field of purple Scottish Thistles,
Another one of Calli's favorites..
So I picked a bunch of those
As I came up the hill to the cemetary...
A field of Mustard...
beautiful yellow....I picked them too

 A hammer hit my gut 
when I saw this
dirt
fresh dirt
It is really hard to let go of the body of
your child.
I know she is in Heaven and with Jesus...
but a mother...
has a very terrible time
letting go of the body
that grew beneath her heart
shared the same blood
AUGUST 4, 2012, 1 month


After Calli died,
and I read her journals...
I found a page in one of them
two pages actually
on one page...
was her wedding plans
on the other...
her funeral plans.
This is a poem by 
Robert Louis Stevenson,
A Scottish Author...
that she wanted on her headstone.
We had already ordered her 
headstone a month back,
so we had this black granite one made with
Scottish Thistles on it for her.

The grave behind her,
is her Grandmom & Grandpops grave.
Her body lays at her Grandpop's feet.
As you can see...
there is still fresh dirt
on her Grandmom's grave :(

SEPTEMBER 4, 2012, 2 MONTHS




OCTOBER 4, 2012, 3 MONTHS

OCTOBER 19, HER HEADSTONE CAME
The day her headstone came....
leaves were falling
people were gaily going about their lives
To see her name carved
into a stone....
It was real
It was so final

NOVEMBER 4, 2012,  4 MONTHS
DECEMBER 4, 2012, 5 MONTHS

DECEMBER 25, CHRISTMAS DAY

JANUARY 4, 2013, 6 MONTHS


FEBRUARY 4, 2013- 7 MONTHS
MARCH 4, 2013, 8 MONTHS

SPRING IS HERE
APRIL 4, 2013, 9 MONTHS
MAY 4, 2013, 10 MONTHS....NEW FLOWERS PLANTED AND BLOOMING
JUNE 4, 2013, 11 MONTHS, FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

MY FIRST MONARCH OF THE SUMMER

JUNE 12, 2013, CALLI'S 16TH BIRTHDAY


WE INVITED CALLI'S BEST FRIENDS OVER TO RELEASE THEIR MESSAGES TO HEAVEN ON A BALLOON FOR HER


LATER THAT EVENING, WE EVEN PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO HER DREAM CAR- THIS EXACT BLUE MUSTANG WITH WHITE STRIPES
THE NEXT DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY, WE WERE SEVERAL TOWNS AWAY, AND THERE IT WAS AGAIN..FOLLOWING US.  I THINK CALLI WAS TELLING US THAT JESUS GAVE HER HER MUSTANG FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
THIS WEEK, ALL OF THE QUEEN ANNE'S LACE IS BLOOMING AGAIN...WHEN YOU SEE IT, REMEMBER CALLI, REMEMBER HER DELICATE, SWEET PERSONALITY, REMEMBER HER STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, REMEMBER HER PERSEVERANCE, REMEMBER HER UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION TO JESUS.

JULY 4, 2013, 1 YEAR
 
TODAY, I PICKED SO MANY WILDFLOWERS FROM OUR YARD AND DISTANT FIELD.  CALLI LOVED WILDFLOWERS

AIDAN FOUND THIS GLORIOUS MUSHROOM AND A BABY  & "TURQUOISE" PINE CONE FOR CALLI

IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT AS WE SAT AT CALLI'S GRAVE AND REMEMBERED AND REFLECTED ON THIS PAST YEAR, THAT WE HEARD CHICKADEES ABOVE US IN THIS EVERGREEN.  CHICKADEES WERE CHICK-A-DEE-DEE-DEEING AND PLAYING ON THE BRANCHES ABOVE HER GRAVE.  CHICKADEES, CALLI'S FAVORITE BIRD

WE WENT FOR A WALK AT PEACE VALLEY BIRD SANCTUARY, AND RIGHT IN OUR PATH  WAS THIS BUTTERFLY WING

FIREWORKS ARE VERY HARD TO HEAR.  THIS YEAR, IN MEMORY OF CALLI'S INDEPENDENCE DAY, WE LIT 3 SKY LANTERNS, ONE AT A TIME AND WATCHED THEM GO AS HIGH AND AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.  A FRIEND SAID THAT SHE SAW ONE IN THE SKY ABOVE PENNSBURG TONIGHT
 



 

 

 



This is one of Calli's favorite scriptures, the part highlighted in yellow, I have in her handwriting, on my bathroom mirror...so that each morning and each evening I read it and I remember what she wanted me to remember.

Hope in the Lord’s Faithfulness

Lamentations 3

  I am the one who has seen the afflictions
    that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger.
He has led me into darkness,
    shutting out all light.
He has turned his hand against me
    again and again, all day long.
He has made my skin and flesh grow old.
    He has broken my bones.
He has besieged and surrounded me
    with anguish and distress.
He has buried me in a dark place,
    like those long dead.
He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
    He has bound me in heavy chains.
And though I cry and shout,
    he has shut out my prayers.
He has blocked my way with a high stone wall;
    he has made my road crooked.
10 He has hidden like a bear or a lion,
    waiting to attack me.
11 He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
    leaving me helpless and devastated.
12 He has drawn his bow
    and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He shot his arrows
    deep into my heart.
14 My own people laugh at me.
    All day long they sing their mocking songs.
15 He has filled me with bitterness
    and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.
16 He has made me chew on gravel.
    He has rolled me in the dust.
17 Peace has been stripped away,
    and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
    Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness
    is bitter beyond words.[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![a]
    His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline:
28 Let them sit alone in silence
    beneath the Lord’s demands.
29 Let them lie face down in the dust,
    for there may be hope at last.
30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
    and accept the insults of their enemies.
31 For no one is abandoned
    by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
33 For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.