Monday, September 24, 2012


i am missing you
it seems...more than i can bear.
i miss the sunshine you brought...
to this house
to this family
to this heart.

i can't stop crying.
i made brownies for you
because they were your favorite.

i bought carnations 
they were the color of old blood.
i saw my heart in them
gushing every time it beats

 i realized
i don't know who i am anymore
without you

i unscrewed the mason jar 
on my dresser
it holds the last braid of your hair that I cut
it still smells like your head.

 i sat on the floor of your closet
surrounded by your clothes
wishing you were debating what to wear...

 i wore your boots
even though they were too tight
the clickety clack echoed in my ears
and i saw you as you walked 
so confidently in them

i wanted so badly 
to ask your advice
you always told the truth
even if it might sting a little

they are watching the home movies 
of when you were little
i can't
not today
i can't bear it

 i smelled the crisp air
and for the first time
i hated fall

i wish that God decided to let you live
 or would let me die instead

i want to go to Scotland
and see you again


Saturday, September 22, 2012

time in a bottle

I was doing some cleaning up on my computer today....
I keep finding all of these videos that I never knew existed...
this one made me cry... alot
calli sings in it with her brother-
so many memories
he is hurting so much
they spent so much time together...
there were so many videos she took of them both playing,
 making believe, goofing off..
i never knew about any of them.
where was I
on facebook?
reading emails?
i have so many regrets
i wasted so much time,
so much of her precious life on crap 
like facebook
last July when i got off for good- 
was so freeing
what a waste of time
 and energy
 and emotion
i am so sad
all the time i wasted
the precious time
i can never ever get back...
here is another one... she was so beautiful, so goofy, so precious
my heart breaks every day
i find little notes
 and pieces of paper with her writing
 and i cannot bear to throw them out...
the other night i was putting supper on the table
 and mike just started to cry
there were 4 pieces of chicken 
and the thought crossed his mind...
just enough for the four of us...
those thoguhts are ...
ever-present in our minds...
they just come so naturally
and when they do, we break
and we sob
it is hard to smile.
the other night, 
we were watching the Wonder Years
and it was when Karen was getting married...
just streaming down Mike's face
He will never get to walk her down the aisle...
down the forest trail 
as was her wish...
she wanted to be married in a forest, 
next to a creek and a large meadow
with the sun shining through...
and her loved ones surrounding her...
she wrote her wedding plans right next to her burial plans....

she is gone....
there is no time left with her...

this makes me think of a favorite song of my Dad's 
I listened to it the other day..
it hit the nail on the head

Time In A Bottle lyrics 
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day 'til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go through time with

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Happy Birthday Aidan

I know I am late on the upload..

but September 1
my yiddle man
became a teenager :(
He started his day with pancakes- his favorite
For his birthday
Aidan wanted to go Paint balling
 with his friends

there were blue swallowtails 
all over the place
I felt Calli-love 
from above
every time i saw one
you mean i can't tackle someone 
OR steal their gun?
i can't
take off my mask?
this was their "serious" look
some are way more serious than others

poor Jordan 
was so afraid of getting stung in the neck- 
he put his shirt under his goggle mask
he soon found out
that would not work very well
when he got all fogged up

practice shots
ready for war
this is too funny
doesn't Jeff (grey shirt) look like a giant here?
i know it is the angle...
but he looks like 3 feet taller than Mike
I braved the battle grounds to get some good pictures
I got hit in the neck
and butt
and hip
and knee
it hurt.
i wanted to shoot them back
and i did
with my camera :)

 yes...right about here..
poor Aidan....
as soon as they said to go..
he tripped on...
a rock...
(apparently you have to look down while you run)
He lost ALL of his paintballs

and was very very mad
 Thankfully Jonas helped him
while Mike nad I peed our pants laughing
poor guy
 actually his dad helped him
and gave him half of his paint balls....
while i laughed....
and took pictures

 Matt's out!

 ready for the next game
 There were many battle grounds....
from forests and boulders to castles and abandoned buildings

they took breaks between each game
it was very hot
some of them forgot to wear deodorant :)

i love this picture...
of men running
they are in a real battle ya know
it makes me laugh
here you have Matt and Mike all the way at the top right
and Jeff and Zack in the middle
and two guys at the bottom 
(whom i did not know)
that ran...and hid
i had a perfect view 
from the tower
Mike was the first one out
every single time
he was the suicide banshee or something

having fun yet honey?

oh poor poor Josh
i saw that one
he was down for the count

again...i love this shot
two brothers
totally being boys
shooting people with paint
Mike and Jeff
it made me warm and fuzzy inside

umm smile for me please
you have some paint on your eye
and on your cheek
and on your neck....

 battle scars!

this is the goofy faces
i think they all had a great time
what good boys
they we came back to our house
and they swam
and jumped on the trampoline
and did things boys do
ya know
act like monkeys and stuff
then Nana came
and she was so surprised to see Jasmine and Elijah, 
the precious children who lived with us for two years
they came to visit as a surprise

and Nana and Jasmine caught up on old times
and visited Calli's room
and cried
and hugged 
and sang songs
there was copious amounts 
of junk food eating 
going on

butchy was so hot
she decided to take a dip 
in her pool
Aidan could not read Aunt Lori's handwriting
Zack had to read it for him
he loved her gift

 I had a lot of fun making 
and simply decorating this cake
and no...
 it is not peanut butter
i dyed the icing myself...
the color of peanut butter- and that blue color
i was going for a nautical look-


after a full day
they made a bonfire
played manhunt
and most of them slept the night
it was a wonderfully good day
minus one person :(