Childhood Cancer Infographic | The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

Childhood Cancer Infographic | The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

today

today...

i am missing you

it seems...more than i can bear.

i miss the sunshine you brought...

to this house

to this family

to this heart.

today...

i can't stop crying.

i made brownies for you

because they were your favorite.

today....

i bought carnations 

they were the color of old blood.

i saw my heart in them

gushing every time it beats

today...

 i realized

i don't know who i am anymore

without you

today...

i unscrewed the mason jar 

on my dresser

it holds the last braid of your hair that I cut

it still smells like your head.

today...

 i sat on the floor of your closet

surrounded by your clothes

wishing you were debating what to wear...

today...

 i wore your boots

even though they were too tight

the clickety clack echoed in my ears

and i saw you as you walked 

so confidently in them

today...

i wanted so badly 

to ask your advice

you always told the truth

even if it might sting a little

today...

they are watching the home movies 

of when you were little

i can't

not today

i can't bear it

today...

 i smelled the crisp air

and for the first time

i hated fall

today...

i wish that God decided to let you live

 or would let me die instead

today...

i want to go to Scotland

and see you again

 

time in a bottle

I was doing some cleaning up on my computer today....

I keep finding all of these videos that I never knew existed...

this one made me cry... alot

calli sings in it with her brother-

so many memories

he is hurting so much

they spent so much time together...

there were so many videos she took of them both playing,

 making believe, goofing off..

i never knew about any of them.

where was I

on facebook?

reading emails?

probably

i have so many regrets

i wasted so much time,

so much of her precious life on crap 

like facebook

last July when i got off for good- 

was so freeing

what a waste of time

 and energy

 and emotion

i am so sad

all the time i wasted

the precious time

i can never ever get back...

here is another one... she was so beautiful, so goofy, so precious

my heart breaks every day

i find little notes

 and pieces of paper with her writing

 and i cannot bear to throw them out...

the other night i was putting supper on the table

 and mike just started to cry

there were 4 pieces of chicken 

and the thought crossed his mind...

just enough for the four of us...

those thoguhts are ...
ever-present in our minds...

they just come so naturally

and when they do, we break

and we sob

it is hard to smile.

the other night, 

we were watching the Wonder Years

and it was when Karen was getting married...

tears....

just streaming down Mike's face

He will never get to walk her down the aisle...

rather....

down the forest trail 

as was her wish...

she wanted to be married in a forest, 

next to a creek and a large meadow

with the sun shining through...

and her loved ones surrounding her...

she wrote her wedding plans right next to her burial plans....

she is gone....
there is no time left with her...

this makes me think of a favorite song of my Dad's 

I listened to it the other day..

it hit the nail on the head

Time In A Bottle lyrics 

JimCroce
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day 'til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go through time with

Happy Birthday Aidan

I know I am late on the upload..

but September 1

my yiddle man

became a teenager :(

He started his day with pancakes- his favorite

yummmm

For his birthday
Aidan wanted to go Paint balling
 with his friends

there were blue swallowtails 

all over the place

I felt Calli-love 

from above

every time i saw one

rules?

what?

you mean i can't tackle someone 

OR steal their gun?

what?

i can't

take off my mask?

this was their "serious" look

some are way more serious than others

poor Jordan 

was so afraid of getting stung in the neck- 

he put his shirt under his goggle mask

he soon found out

that would not work very well

when he got all fogged up

practice shots

ready for war

this is too funny

doesn't Jeff (grey shirt) look like a giant here?

i know it is the angle...

but he looks like 3 feet taller than Mike

I braved the battle grounds to get some good pictures

I got hit in the neck

and butt

and hip

and knee

and....

it hurt.

i wanted to shoot them back

and i did

with my camera :)

 yes...right about here..
poor Aidan....
as soon as they said to go..
he tripped on...
a rock...
(apparently you have to look down while you run)
He lost ALL of his paintballs

and was very very mad

 Thankfully Jonas helped him
while Mike nad I peed our pants laughing
poor guy

 actually his dad helped him
and gave him half of his paint balls....
while i laughed....
and took pictures

 Matt's out!

 ready for the next game

 There were many battle grounds....

from forests and boulders to castles and abandoned buildings

they took breaks between each game

it was very hot

some of them forgot to wear deodorant :)

 

i love this picture...

of men running

they are in a real battle ya know

it makes me laugh

here you have Matt and Mike all the way at the top right

and Jeff and Zack in the middle

and two guys at the bottom 

(whom i did not know)

that ran...and hid

i had a perfect view 

from the tower

Mike was the first one out

every single time

he was the suicide banshee or something

having fun yet honey?

oh poor poor Josh

i saw that one

oye

he was down for the count

again...i love this shot

two brothers

totally being boys

shooting people with paint

Mike and Jeff

it made me warm and fuzzy inside

honey

umm smile for me please

you have some paint on your eye

and on your cheek

and on your neck....

 battle scars!

this is the goofy faces

i think they all had a great time

what good boys

they we came back to our house

and they swam

and jumped on the trampoline

and did things boys do

 

ya know

act like monkeys and stuff

 

then Nana came

and she was so surprised to see Jasmine and Elijah, 

the precious children who lived with us for two years

they came to visit as a surprise

 :)

and Nana and Jasmine caught up on old times

and visited Calli's room

and cried

and hugged 

and sang songs

there was copious amounts 

of junk food eating 

going on

butchy was so hot

she decided to take a dip 

in her pool

Aidan could not read Aunt Lori's handwriting

Zack had to read it for him

he loved her gift

 I had a lot of fun making 

and simply decorating this cake

and no...

 it is not peanut butter

i dyed the icing myself...

the color of peanut butter- and that blue color

i was going for a nautical look-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY YIDDLE  BUBBY I LOVE YOU

after a full day

they made a bonfire

played manhunt

and most of them slept the night

it was a wonderfully good day

minus one person :(