Friday, July 22, 2011

little bees and boulder rocks


Calli is all done her BRAIN radiation, and just at the right moment when her head was getting so burnt!  She is still getting full neck and spine radiation until the first week of August, but her time bolted down on that table is cut from 45 minutes to 10!!!  WOOOOOO WOOOOO!!!!!!  She is so happy :)  She gets to ring the big bell at PENN soon enough!  We hear it ring each day, and I well up with tears, so happy for those people. things worked out with her ZOFRAN issue.  Calli insisted that I post that it was NOT the insurance Co. that was wrong, but Walmart Pharmacy......rather, the pharmacist communicated wrong information to us.  He told us that the insurance co would NOT pay for any more pills.  Rather- he declared that they will not pay at all  for any more pills and he insisted that I must call the insurance co to figure out why.....He left out that they would pay for them in four more days.  OYE.  Either he was confused, busy or tired, possibly all of the above, but that is some important info to pass along to me! 

So, I called Mr. Insurance guy today, and said....

"Apparently, Wal-mart called me last night and let me know that they goofed on their info to please assure me that you are indeed going to cover this rx for her, right?
and He said 
"Well, yes they did...sort of.  We will only allow so many pills per month, and Calli exceeds that amount, so really we are not approving that amount for the month....but if you can get a letter faxed by her doctor stating that it is medically necessary for her condition, than I will allow it." 
Sure thing.

Is there an EASY button?  Wow.  He was nice.  I am sorry, Insurance companies, are not the devil, but they are a multi-billion dollar industry...and like to cut costs.  

BUT you know what else he said to me,  
"It is good that you spoke up to us, please, we will always deny things, that is just policy, but give us a call, and we will always try and work with you to get you what you need."  

Ok, I will!  :)  SO, I am glad that I called also.  Calli is always putting a check in my spirit, she knows the lengths that I will go to, to defend what is best for her.  IT is like this....if you see a burning building, you do not have to go in and try and save anyone, it is probably best that you stay out and let the firemen do their job...but when it is your child, nothing can stop you from rushing into the flames to get them out into the oxygen rich air.

Calli....has always been that angel on my shoulder telling me the right things to do.  She has this wisdom in her that is beyond me, and beyond her years.  She reminds me of times when I must fess up, quiet down, forgive...let go.

After we got home from treatment today, Calli laid down for a rest inside, and I wanted to enjoy the heat outside.  Everyone is complaining how hot it is, but when you are stuck in A/C all day, it is actually quite refreshing to feel the scorching sun on your face.  Sometimes the heat rising from the ground, lowering from the sky and closing in around you like an oven feels good. I know...I am strange...I have always know this :)

So, I got in the pool today, all was refreshing, and soothing.  I began to think about things, as I always do when I am alone.  It is kind of dangerous, it is like throwing a huge boulder into a deep clear river...things begin to surface that were sunk down to the bottom, and the water becomes cloudy and it gets hard to see clearly.  

I began to weep and weep uncontrollably in the pool, as I thought about my precious Callahan, always giving me the right advice, always speaking up to me and her dad, but in a good way to keep us accountable.  Being bold, telling others to do the right things, not to prove that she is right, but to help others. 

At that moment of weeping, I saw a bee fly in and manage to trap itself in the pool.  He was frantically trying and striving to free himself from the pool.  He just wanted a drink on this hot day and got stuck.  I feel like that bee sometimes, not knowing how to get myself out of a pool that I did not mean to get stuck in. 

I cried...a lot and helped the little guy out.  Did you ever try to trace your thought process back?  Like, try to figure out how you began thinking about something....the line back to the original thought...yeah...that is kind of consuming also.  Like unnecessary overload.  I am logical, and deep and often think too much.

I realized, that I cannot let myself get to those moments, they trap me, and wrestle me down a chasm that I don't want to go or think about.  It is not denial, it is negative, lies, & poison.  

Today, as Calli and I were traveling back from radiation, we were listening to KYW, and the reporter said that there was new medical evidence that positive thinking lengthens your life, and makes your days seem less stressful. Calli looked at me, and said,

"Mom, that is SO true!  People who are negative, get sad and depressed don't want to get up and do anything, and enjoy their life."

One of my very favorite passages of scripture has always been Philippians 4:4-9.  Years ago, I memorized it.  It is truth...KYW even said so, not that that matters at all, ha ha, 
 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Truly, God's words of wisdom are popping up all over the world.  My cousin has a tattoo that I saw yesterday and it says" It has to end to begin."  She got it from a song from one of her favorite artists, but truly... deeply I saw the Hand of God on her foot...reminding me, again that in springs forth.  Without death, we cannot have life, without life, there is no death....

I am not speaking in terms of just physical death, like the poisonous death that they are running through Calli's body, killing her bring life....or of my marigold plant that dies each Fall, and leaves its seeds.  They lay dead all winter in the ground and are not ever supposed to come back...ever....but in the Spring, those seeds bring new huge hardy marigolds to my yard.  How about the death of a chicken, that gives me life as I eat it........but more than that......A death of what I thought tomorrow would bring, the plans I make, the flesh I so love to nurture, a death of my words, my thoughts,  a death of me....brings growth, new thoughts, new moment at a time.  It is a good thing.


  1. Calli, you and your girlfriend both look so cute in your bandanas :)
    Lucy, that scripture is so true everyday, every year, for all times. xo
    p.s. its okay to cry in the pool now and then.

  2. Oh Lucy, I so love your honesty and I can say that I to have those thought patterns that end up places that are none of my business...good gracious and I often quote that same scripture "whatever is true!"
    I love you Lucy! Weeping is healing! Fill up that pool sista!!

  3. Oh Lucy, I so love your honesty, I too have the same problem with my thoughts going way down a path where I don’t belong. I too quote the scripture “whatever is true!”
    And weeping is so healing! Fill up that pool sista!! Love you much!


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