Tuesday, November 20, 2012

There is no pit too deep....

This is one of those weeks...
where all seems against us.
where looking forward hurts
as much as looking back

where time stands still
and silent
and we are frozen...
but the world keeps moving
and holly jollying
and giving their thanks....
when we are still looking for a reason
to smile 

amidst all the tinsel
and twaddle,
the spending and glitzing and
and self-indulgent crap,
we are frozen
incapable of digesting it all...
choking

we have unpredictable and random emotions

Little things set us off...

Like when I wore that nail polish...
that grayish-purple nail polish
Aidan was acting so mean 
and weird to me one day...
Finally he confessed-

it was all about the nail polish

he wanted to throw up just looking at it-
He cried as he said, 
"Mom, don't ever
wear that color again, 
I held her hand mom,
I held her hand."
That is when I realized...
that was the last color I painted 
on her long, beautiful fingers,
that was the color she was wearing 
when she died in my arms, 
and in his hands...

I can't handle walking through target,
all the tinsel and trim
I cry through the aisles
I can't watch the holiday films
or hear Christmas music
or even hear the piano play...

when I feel the cold December winds coming...
All I can think about is that
she LOVED winter, and snow
and Christmas 
and the smell of a real tree 
and the lights on the houses
the candy cane in her cocoa

eating snow
making presents.....
it all
 breaks my heart into 
a trillion pieces
all over again

Mike doesn't talk much
or express much,
but he broke down over an extra piece of chicken,
and he will start crying randomly,
and we don't know the trigger was,
but we know why.
there are so many triggers...

We are all raw over here
amputated
oozing
without a vital limb...

We are doubting, 
We are abnormally normal.
At least that is what the professionals are telling us
We have not lost our faith....
but doubts still come
Just as David said in the Psalms
 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 
Why are you so far from saving me, 
so far from the words of my groaning?" (22:1). 
and like Job:   "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; 
my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). 
 Just as those saints of old,
who we read about...
and who we look to 
as our examples...
We see, that just as they were then...
we are now
Not denying God, or his power,
filled with both faith and terrible grief 
and sometimes doubt
 
we aren't functioning properly
and are hanging on by threads

people keep saying...
each day will get better
time heals all wounds...
but it seems...
that each day gets worse

No amount of work 
or crafts
or volunteering
or time together
will ever make us feel better about
Calli's body dying
and how horribly she suffered

Each day, it seems,
the very ones that are supposed
to wall around us as protection when we are hurting....
and help us heal
be a support for us...
are the very ones
that are
ignoring us
avoiding us
misunderstanding us
taking offense
accusing
stabbing us
talking about us
calling us names
 
Mike, Aidan and I...
right now...
we don't have much to give to each other...
let alone to anyone else...
So we apologize for not meeting your expectations
and for holding too high expectations
for you...

 We can't see past our emotions, 
We can't see past our great loss
We are blind
groping the walls
seeking light
life
the way out 
reaching and begging and pleading
for help
for salvation....
from this lot.

But God thought us worthy of this lot
so we bear it.

mind you...
we may not bear it silently as Jesus did....
we may bear it....
completely recklessly
and inappropriately
while screaming,
laughing,
crying,
while silent,
pious or angry,
thrashing against it all....
or numbing our way through it all
but we will bear it
we have no choice

God is faithful to do what He says He will do
 regardless of how we feel 
or how we act
or what we believe 
or what we doubt....

but it sure doesn't help
when we don't see
or feel
or hear....
God.
It feels very very lonely
It is very very lonely 
It feels like rejection
like punishment
like the wilderness...

Sometimes we get a glimmer of God,
when He sends someone...
when He calls out to them...
and they answer Him with a 
"Yes, Lord- I am willing."

He has called out to many
but few answer His call
few answer THIS CALL-
He sends that still small voice to their heart and says...
 
"I want you to call them and just listen-
they may never pick up the phone.
Stop by their house-
they may close the door.
Send a note-
you may never get a response.
Call them again-
pat them on the back
hug them
even if they resist hugging you back
 don't take it personal
this is not about you
this is about Me
text them a song, or a poem
send them a picture
write them a memory
let them know you miss her too
talk about Calli 
and Matt 
and Linda-
even if it makes you uncomfortable
pray for them...
read scripture over their family
really pray for them 
Stop telling them what to do
just listen.
I am calling you
They need you
Are you willing?
They have NOTHING to give you back.  
They will drain you, 
....but I want you to help them....
are you willing?  
You will never get praise
or rewards on this side of Heaven
No one will know you are helping them
but Me."

 This week...When you are all giving your thanks, 
and Watching a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,
and Carving your bird...

please remember a young man
named Aidan,
who is only 13,
and has been traumatized so deeply 
by the loss of his beloved sister, 
Grandfather, Grandmother 
and the callous and careless wounds and words 
of the very people he is supposed to lean on and trust.
Please pray for him.

And Pray for Mike, 
that God shows him how 
to lead and care for 
his wounded family
while he himself
is so broken and needs
to be cared for too

And Pray for me,
That I find a reason  to sing again
and that I can love my Aidan,
and My Mike,
As they need me to love them
and that I can forgive those
that have wounded us

Please pray for the peace
of our home


 This week, I needed to hear the Lord
I prayed and prayed
and I don't believe in ghosts, 
but I believe the Lord lets me hear Calli sometimes, speaking to me
telling me things...
I heard Calli saying to me...
"Mommy, put on my playlist."
 
Her playlist.
Her radiation playlist...
This playlist she made for herself to listen to during
one of the hardest trails of her life.
the hour and a half of brain and spine radiation.
 this music
brought her through.
I inherited all of her music, 
her cds
her playlists
her journals....
 
here is one of those songs...


 Beautiful Mercy
by Laura Hackett

There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach
there is no sorrow so strong
that will overtake his beloved one
No pit too deep
That Jesus cannot reach
There is no sorrow so strong
That will overtake his beloved one

And He's brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

He's so kind
Oh beautiful mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)

Beautiful Mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do

You've brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And You've let me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

So I will sing
Yes I will sing, I will sing
Even in the brokenness
I will sing
Even in this loneliness

If you are interested- here is her playlist- I know she added more songs after radiation, but this is her original list-

IN CHRIST ALONE-
 RITA SPRINGER

LIVING HOPE- 
LAURA HACKETT

WHERE YOU GO I GO- 
KIM WALKER

JESU JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING-
JOSH GROBAN

PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM-
 CASTING CROWNS

GOD OF THE ANGEL ARMIES (EXTENDED VERSION)- 
JONATHAN DAVID HELSER

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE- 
SELAH

FLY (EXTENDED VERSION) -
JONATHAN DAVID HELSER

LET'S SURVIVE THIS TOGETHER-
 LAURA HACKETT

FLING WIDE- 
MISTY EDWARDS

WHEN I AM AFRAID-
 LAURA HACKETT

A LITTLE LONGER-
 BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON

PSALMS 73-
BARLOW GIRL

DRY BONES- 
GUNGOR 

BEAUTIFUL THINGS- 
GUNGOR

PRAISE YOU IN THE DANCE- 
CASTING CROWNS

ALL I NEED- 
JJ HELLER

BEAUTIFUL MERCY- 
LAURA HACKETT

YOU RAISE ME UP- 
JOSH GROBAN

WORTH IT ALL- 
RITA SPRINGER

SONS & DAUGHTERS-
JASON UPTON

HEALING IS IN YOUR HANDS-
CHRISTY KNOCKLES

HAYLIE-
JASON UPTON

BLESS THE LORD-
RITA SPRINGER

WARRIOR-
 CAEDMON'S CALL

I PUT ON CHRIST-
LAURA HACKETT

I WILL WASTE MY LIFE-
MISTY EDWARDS

WILL OF GOD-
JASON UPTON

HOLDING ON-
JAMIE GRACE

GREAT RIVER ROAD(from jacob's ladder album)-
JASON UPTON

BRAND NEW DAY-
JOSHUA RADIN


WHERE YOU GO I GO- 
BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON

 THE PRAYER-
CHARLOTTE CHURCH WITH JOSH GROBAN

THE CALL-
REGINA SPEKTOR

I'm gonna end with this song-
kinda how we are feeling right now-
I heard it last night with Aidan
We were watching THE VOICE
Calli liked watching that show
Every now and hten I turn it on...
It's funny how I find myself watching things, 
I never watched before,
but do, because she did...
Anyway- I flipped it on last night,
And I heard this song
Totally balled my eyes out
because it really just fits....

Here are the lyrics-

Over You
by Miranda Lambert

Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.

I know you didn't mean to give them to me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone

'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

9 comments:

  1. You just wrote my heart down. Thank you for giving it words. I am praying...and I will not stop praying for all of you! Lucy I pray God answer your cry to hear from him…in the most profound way then you ever have before. I know the last thing in the world you want to be is a voice for the broken...but please know your pouring out of your heart with your gift of words heals. And I' am so grateful for you!

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  2. A songwriter I know penned the words, "If we keep looking back we'll break our necks"
    That simple line within a beautiful lyric touched me in this hurt. Your hurt. Our hurt.

    What I believe may not be what you believe, but it brings me such peace and even outbursts of laughter at times because I DO believe that Calli and Matthew (and Linda) can and do look at/see us. The Lord allows them this. Yes, they are joyful in heaven :) but that does not mean that they don't wish or pray for that in us also.
    Look ahead. And in that future they are still there in our hearts and minds and on our shelves and in our music and jokes and memories. No one can take them away. No one can tear them from our minds or hearts!!

    I talk to my brother. I talk to my niece. I laugh at myself when contemplating my art and asking, "what do you think?" I do not need to hear the voice, I know when I jump up and the decision has been made that are watching.
    I feel them. Her. Him. Sometimes I say, go away and see your mother/daughter now- but I know they can see us all.

    I don't want to break my neck when I know that love is the answer and in that love there is a family right in front of me (well, 4 miles away?) that is cherished. Come back. Come back and be YOU. Look at your son- what a blessing!! <3
    He is here and will be tomorrow too.
    I raise my hands and shake my fist and say to him, "I miss you! Your mother NEEDS you!" and, he is smiling that smile and nodding with his chin low and says to me, "yes, but look at the relationship that is developing between you two now." He smirks. I shake my head and feel His plan.

    All things work towards the good of God, to those who believe.
    Hum bug is what comes to mind- momentarily. For I am just a woman.
    But then, I am thankful for having YOU. <3 and Aidan and Mike too (haha, hard to get mushy with him, but i hope he knows I do love him)...
    I could talk about the saints
    But I want to keep my face looking ahead- into hazel, green, blue, brown eyes that are looking back at me.

    I like the cd list- but I'd really like to keep Calli's spirit alive by her poetry.

    So mama, do that. Give me something to hold on to, read, reflect, share- for all times sake.
    That poetry- I am so thankful that Calli wrote it!! She left her words, art, visions!

    A little gift for us. See, she was looking ahead. Smarty pants :)

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  3. p.s. We both know that it's not about getting over anyone. That is not possible, that is not my goal- ever. Nor yours, I know that <3
    I Love you and glad you posted.
    Funny cause this morning I was hoping you would. So, the universe is working.
    Remember "Baby Steps" - Bill Murray (one of your dads fave's & mine too). That's what ya do. Baby steps. Fall. Get up. Waddle, bang, bump, fall, run out of control into the coffee table :) Just take each step looking ahead. xx

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  4. I am so moved by your writings. Having lost my husband in 2004 to another type of terminal illness -- depression that resulted in his taking his own life -- I can relate to some of what you write. My daughter and I attended Survivors of Suicide meetings, where we heard others' heart-wrenching stories and shared our own. We learned that there are so many ways in which people grieve. And that things will NEVER be "the same again"; you will never get over the loss. You will simply learn new ways to accept life, move on, remember your loved ones and cope. I know how it is to have people not know what to say; to act like the person never existed. I know what it is to cry for no "real" reason. To go through the motions of life. To try to move forward. There is no "right" way to grieve; no timetable. Just take a moment at a time, then a day at a time. Move forward, move backward. Follow your heart. God is listening and supporting. Grieve, Cry. Remember. Love. Others are loving you, but struggling as well. Peace....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice words and advice. Best wishes to you and your daughter. Thanks for sharing. xxoo

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  5. Just a little to share -

    http://www.facebook.com/groups/300592366618290/doc/522234941120697/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are not on facebook, so we cannot access your link.

      Delete
    2. My small sharing -
      ==================

      But, what about the string?

      If nothing else, animals, like pets, are in touch with reality - what is.

      So, what is death to an animal? The death of an associate or, a friend?

      When we lose a friend or, a family member, what do we do as humans? We morn. What do animals do?

      Do animals morn? I will say this, they can certainly feel a sense of 'something missing'.

      The question is, how important is that missing element to that animal?

      In the wild, even a dead child doesn't stop the survival imperative. Elephants, which demonstrate exceptional memory capabilities, will let go of their dead offspring to go on with the necessities of life.

      Where is this all coming from? A loss.

      My pet cat Buddy just died and, as is usual with me, I have a female cat as well. Her name is Jamie.

      With my last two cats before Buddy and Jamie, there was a strong bond. When Clyde died, Sheba went out looking for Clyde and got seriously injured. When she made it back, even with a spinal injury, I was forced to put her to sleep.

      Today, my dead Buddy is awaiting burial here near me. I am allowing Jamie to take note of the change with him in the hopes she won't go 'looking' for him after I bury him.

      As of late, Jamie has taken to complaining. This started before this sad event. I don't know for sure whether she just wants to go outside or, whether she just wants attention.

      I am gently guiding her to take note of Buddy's new state. He is no longer responsive. I do this in the hope she will accept that things have changed and that going out to 'find' Buddy won't help as he is right here, just different.

      Jamie is still complaining. Still asking for attention - from me. -GOOD-

      What she REALLY wants is for me to play with her. To flick a string around so she can chase it. This is her greatest joy.

      I think she will be OK. No doubt she will miss Buddy but, there are other things that give her joy, like chasing string that I flick around for her.

      There is a lot more to this story. For example, I am no longer afraid of death. To be clear, I never was but, I was afraid of the pain that often accompanies death - I am no longer afraid of that either - because of Buddy.

      Buddy was hit by a car. His pelvis was shattered and his spine was damaged. His pain was, no doubt, beyond anything I have ever experienced but, when I held him, and petted him he responded. Not just to my touch but, to my presence. Immense pain was unable to block our bond to each other.

      I had no choice but to put him to sleep. It was unlikely he would ever be able to return to being a complete CAT with his injuries.

      How does one deal with losing such a large piece of their life?

      I've decided to follow Jamie's example - "What about the string?"

      Delete
  6. Your family doesn't know me, however I thought I should let you guys know this. I had came across your blog about a little more than a year ago and felt a connection with Callie. I do not have cancer, but I am 18 had a spinal tumor that I was removed twice when I was 16. When I came across your blog it was within the three month span that I had to lay in bed. I don't remember for sure the blog entry that it was in, but the song by Barlow Girl- I believe in love had really touched me and literally every time I hear it I think of Callie. Now I have this great playlist, I have heard a few of these but I am going to listen to all of them. I can guarantee you I will add at least some of these to my scans, injections, infusions and doctor visits playlist. Songs with meaning are amazing and I thank you for sharing Callie's playlist. Almost every time I come to your blog and read I cry, I wish I could help. Please know you are in my thoughts, sending my love to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete

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