swiss cheese

 this day...

I laughed really hard at Mike 

after the Oral Surgeon 

pulled his wisdom teeth out...

Did you ever see the video

David after the dentist?

It was kinda like that-

Except he wasn't being very nice :)

this day I sighed......

as Aidan went off to school

Public school

For the first time in his life

 Thankfully, his first day, 

happened to be the same day 

that Mike was having his teeth pulled, 

so, we both were able to 

drive him to school

 the poor dogs wondered 

where he was all day

they were waiting for him 

to get off of the bus

 He greeted them 

they greeted him

life was good

until ....

he realized I had the camera :)

 Mom!

 Really? 

Put the camera away!

(said in a super growly voice)

oh my :(

I don't like puberty

or teen angst

or talk-backers

or angry eyebrows

not one bit.

I have had several people

inform me that 

I must be doing a good job

as a parent ....

if my son is telling me

that he hates me.

I don't like this period of life right now

not one bit.

I was never like that....

Was I Ma?

 And according to his mother,

Mike D. was a perfect angel ...

until he met me:)

poor guy got corrupted

who are those rebellious teens? 

Oh my

We still have matching rolls:)

they are just much larger now....

 Well...I guess Aidan does not hate me that much....

since I found this secret message

written on the mailbox

darkness in the sky

the sun awakening the day...

the morning dew leftovers...

waiting for the bus

 love for his family

 (that includes me!)

just bubbles out of him

and onto the mailbox :)

I have been crying quite a bit lately

the other day,

I actually pulled a muscle laughing

I have been all alone

I needed to talk to my dad one day...

I wanted him to tell me what I was good at

and bad at

and what I should do with my life

I wanted him to give me
 those directions and advice

He was always so good at giving....

but never following....

I felt so lost

so I went for a drive....

I just wanted to sit and talk with my Daddy

like we used to do

before all the mess..

well.... within the mess..

we were a mess

but there were 

a lot of good times

in the midst of it all

before he died...

our relationship had evolved

it was simple for us...

we talked,

we shared a meal

we laughed

we cried

we sighed

I know that going to someones grave...

I am not going to see them

They are not there...

well their spirit is not there...

and a lot of people have their opinions 

and doctrines and theories

about "visiting" graves

and ya know what...

I don't give a hoot about what they think...

Losing my dad was horrible....

we just started to live

we just started to heal

we just started to really love 

and understand one another

and be friends...

I wanted to see him grow old

and I wanted him to see Aidan and Calli grow

and I wanted to have more time

I feel robbed...

so on this day,

I went to talk to God, 

and my Dad, 

and I told my Daddy...

how mad I was at him

for leaving me

for being a genius

for being so stupid 

how much I really really

needed him

how very sad I was

that he was not around

for most of my life....

How I really wanted him to stay

and I told him that...

but he was dead.

Did I ever tell him when he was alive....

how very very much I needed him

how very very much I wanted to hear his Jewish jokes

and hear him sing more

and how all that mess was terrible 

but somewhat normalish....

OH HOW MUCH I MISSED HIM.

As I sat at that grave,

 4 hawks flew above me

I only was able to capture one at a time

they were perching 

and flying

and screeching at me

have you ever seen 4 hawks together?

somehow...

in some way..

I felt like God sent those 4 hawks to me

to remind me...

that My dad

and 

Mike's dad,

and

 Mike's mom

and 

our precious daughter, Calli

are with Him

and they are free

and they are soaring

and it comforted me

I got a call last week...

Calli's headstone came.

I drove over right away

and it was raining...

Each month

on the 4th

When I lay out flowers

over her whole grave...

It is always raining

I love the rain

This day.....

something groaned inside of me

I realized how deep

how wide

how monstrous

the cavern inside of me was

people come....

and they leave feathers

and flowers

and pine cones

and ribbons

and their love...

that makes me feel better

to know you are thinking of her too

that I am not alone

in my missing her...

Do you miss her?

Why don't you ever talk about her?

I guess for me,

It is hard to let go of her physical body

I know her spirit is in heaven,

I know she is happy with Jesus

and my dad

and Linda and Mark,

but still...

As a mother, who birthed and nursed my baby...

and watched her grow into 

the vivacious and strong little girl she was

and watched as she

 blossomed into the poised and 

powerful flower of a young woman that she was...

and watched as she faded

but never let go 

of her dignity

and courage...

and beauty....

As her mother,

It is hard to let go of her body

her physical self...

My spirit knows the truth 

her spirit is

very much alive in Heaven...

but my brain

is a very hard obstacle to get over

my brain reminds me

that my Calli's body

 is under the ground

in a box

covered in dirt

alone

cold

decomposing

and I feel guilty

and mad

and a pain literally 

shoots through my heart

and into the pit of my soul

 So I go

and I bring her flowers....

and I talk to the sky

and it rains

and somehow

 I don't feel as guilty

for leaving her body there...

for walking away from it...

Please don't tell me that

 she is happy and in Heaven

I do know that

and I believe that.... 

 

Please don't remind me that

she would want me to be happy

It does not really help at all.

If you are a Christian, 

Please stop telling me that Christians 

are not supposed to mourn and grieve

for the death of another Christian

Because I do fiercely...

and I am Christian.

Please stop telling me that

 If I visit my child's grave...

 I cannot possibly have faith

Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith

He's given to me the amount of faith

He thinks I should have...

As I study His word, He gives me more...

When you speak these words...

your words...

your interpretations...

when you say things like....

""She was not healed, because she lacked faith, "

"you lacked faith, "

"you did not believe enough, "

"she sinned, "

"you sinned..."

"It was His will for her to die,"

 "It was not His will for her to die..."

"He's got a plan for a Hope and a future..."

"You are selfish for mourning..."

"You are having a pity party... "

"You should only mourn for the right reasons and 

her going to Heaven is not one of them..."

"Faith removes your self-pity- you need more faith"

"You are not fit for the Kingdom of God, if you mourn for her death"

"God cannot use you if you are depressed..."

When you say these things....

you are building walls so high 

so thick

all around me...

just like Babel

and you discourage me

and you confuse me

and then I feel lost

and alone

and utterly 

utterly like....

Swiss cheese

there are holes

all throughout me....

people told me to get a job,
go to school
volunteer...
don't be alone
keep busy..


So, I got a job
at my old office...
and I was really good at it
and felt good doing it
for about a day...
It just hit me
and I  kept crying
and I failed miserable at faking it
and then I could not handle going back....
Thank God for a loving and understanding boss
who is giving me all the time I need
and calling to check up on me :)

I am taking a pottery class,
and I am making things with my hands
and it feels good

I am going to paint my sister's bedroom
and maybe help a dear friend
choose the colors of her heart
for her beautiful home....

I was a mom.
I loved my job.
I loved every second
I was priveledged to spend
with Calli and Aidan.
Now they are gone...
She is in Heaven
and he is at school
and I am still a mom...
but I don't feel like it anymore...

So, I am embracing my grief
whole-heartedly feeling
every square mm of it.
I can't shove it away
it just pummels its way out of me
at all the wrong moments
I cry at the grocery store
at the doctor's
at the coffee shop
anywhere
and everywhere...
and that is ok.
If you ask how I am
I'll tell you I am terrible
I can't hide it
I don't like masks
I'll tell every soul
I know about
My Calli

the depths of despair

 are not too far for God to reach me....

He is with me always...

Even in the valley...

Even in the shadow of death....

This is my time to grieve and mourn 

and cry and lay in bed all day some days

and go out and be normal and laugh other days...

There is a time to mourn

and a time to dance....