Friday, October 26, 2012

swiss cheese

 this day...
I laughed really hard at Mike 
after the Oral Surgeon 
pulled his wisdom teeth out...
Did you ever see the video
David after the dentist?
It was kinda like that-
Except he wasn't being very nice :)
this day I sighed......
as Aidan went off to school
Public school
For the first time in his life

 Thankfully, his first day, 
happened to be the same day 
that Mike was having his teeth pulled, 
so, we both were able to 
drive him to school
 the poor dogs wondered 
where he was all day
they were waiting for him 
to get off of the bus

 He greeted them 
they greeted him
life was good
until ....
he realized I had the camera :)
Put the camera away!
(said in a super growly voice)

oh my :(
I don't like puberty
or teen angst
or talk-backers
or angry eyebrows
not one bit.

I have had several people
inform me that 
I must be doing a good job
as a parent ....
if my son is telling me
that he hates me.

I don't like this period of life right now
not one bit.
I was never like that....
Was I Ma?
 And according to his mother,
Mike D. was a perfect angel ...
until he met me:)
poor guy got corrupted
who are those rebellious teens? 
Oh my
We still have matching rolls:)
they are just much larger now....
 Well...I guess Aidan does not hate me that much....
since I found this secret message
written on the mailbox

darkness in the sky
the sun awakening the day...
the morning dew leftovers...
waiting for the bus
 love for his family
 (that includes me!)
just bubbles out of him
and onto the mailbox :)
I have been crying quite a bit lately
the other day,
I actually pulled a muscle laughing

I have been all alone
I needed to talk to my dad one day...
I wanted him to tell me what I was good at
and bad at
and what I should do with my life
I wanted him to give me
 those directions and advice
He was always so good at giving....
but never following....
I felt so lost
so I went for a drive....
I just wanted to sit and talk with my Daddy
like we used to do
before all the mess..
well.... within the mess..
we were a mess
but there were 
a lot of good times
in the midst of it all
before he died...
our relationship had evolved
it was simple for us...
we talked,
we shared a meal
we laughed
we cried
we sighed
I know that going to someones grave...
I am not going to see them
They are not there...
well their spirit is not there...
and a lot of people have their opinions 
and doctrines and theories
about "visiting" graves
and ya know what...
I don't give a hoot about what they think...

Losing my dad was horrible....
we just started to live
we just started to heal
we just started to really love 
and understand one another
and be friends...

I wanted to see him grow old
and I wanted him to see Aidan and Calli grow
and I wanted to have more time
I feel robbed...

so on this day,
I went to talk to God, 
and my Dad, 
and I told my Daddy...
how mad I was at him
for leaving me
for being a genius
for being so stupid 
how much I really really
needed him
how very sad I was
that he was not around
for most of my life....
How I really wanted him to stay
and I told him that...
but he was dead.

Did I ever tell him when he was alive....
how very very much I needed him
how very very much I wanted to hear his Jewish jokes
and hear him sing more
and how all that mess was terrible 
but somewhat normalish....

As I sat at that grave,
 4 hawks flew above me
I only was able to capture one at a time
they were perching 
and flying
and screeching at me
have you ever seen 4 hawks together?

in some way..
I felt like God sent those 4 hawks to me
to remind me...
that My dad
Mike's dad,
 Mike's mom
our precious daughter, Calli
are with Him
and they are free
and they are soaring
and it comforted me
I got a call last week...
Calli's headstone came.
I drove over right away
and it was raining...
Each month
on the 4th
When I lay out flowers
over her whole grave...
It is always raining
I love the rain
This day.....
something groaned inside of me
I realized how deep
how wide
how monstrous
the cavern inside of me was
people come....
and they leave feathers
and flowers
and pine cones
and ribbons
and their love...
that makes me feel better
to know you are thinking of her too
that I am not alone
in my missing her...
Do you miss her?
Why don't you ever talk about her?
I guess for me,
It is hard to let go of her physical body
I know her spirit is in heaven,
I know she is happy with Jesus
and my dad
and Linda and Mark,
but still...

As a mother, who birthed and nursed my baby...
and watched her grow into 
the vivacious and strong little girl she was
and watched as she
 blossomed into the poised and 
powerful flower of a young woman that she was...
and watched as she faded
but never let go 
of her dignity
and courage...
and beauty....
As her mother,
It is hard to let go of her body
her physical self...
My spirit knows the truth 
her spirit is
very much alive in Heaven...
but my brain
is a very hard obstacle to get over

my brain reminds me
that my Calli's body
 is under the ground
in a box
covered in dirt
and I feel guilty
and mad
and a pain literally 
shoots through my heart
and into the pit of my soul
 So I go
and I bring her flowers....
and I talk to the sky
and it rains
and somehow
 I don't feel as guilty
for leaving her body there...
for walking away from it...

Please don't tell me that
 she is happy and in Heaven

I do know that
and I believe that.... 
Please don't remind me that
she would want me to be happy
It does not really help at all.

If you are a Christian, 
Please stop telling me that Christians 
are not supposed to mourn and grieve
for the death of another Christian
Because I do fiercely...
and I am Christian.

Please stop telling me that
 If I visit my child's grave...
 I cannot possibly have faith

Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith
He's given to me the amount of faith
He thinks I should have...
As I study His word, He gives me more...

When you speak these words...
your words...
your interpretations...
when you say things like....

""She was not healed, because she lacked faith, "
"you lacked faith, "
"you did not believe enough, "
"she sinned, "
"you sinned..."
"It was His will for her to die,"
 "It was not His will for her to die..."
"He's got a plan for a Hope and a future..."
"You are selfish for mourning..."
"You are having a pity party... "
"You should only mourn for the right reasons and 
her going to Heaven is not one of them..."
"Faith removes your self-pity- you need more faith"
"You are not fit for the Kingdom of God, if you mourn for her death"
"God cannot use you if you are depressed..."

When you say these things....
you are building walls so high 
so thick
all around me...
just like Babel

and you discourage me
and you confuse me
and then I feel lost
and alone
and utterly 
utterly like....
Swiss cheese

there are holes
all throughout me....

people told me to get a job,
go to school
don't be alone
keep busy..

So, I got a job
at my old office...
and I was really good at it
and felt good doing it
for about a day...
It just hit me
and I  kept crying
and I failed miserable at faking it
and then I could not handle going back....
Thank God for a loving and understanding boss
who is giving me all the time I need
and calling to check up on me :)

I am taking a pottery class,
and I am making things with my hands
and it feels good

I am going to paint my sister's bedroom
and maybe help a dear friend
choose the colors of her heart
for her beautiful home....

I was a mom.
I loved my job.
I loved every second
I was priveledged to spend
with Calli and Aidan.
Now they are gone...
She is in Heaven
and he is at school
and I am still a mom...
but I don't feel like it anymore...

So, I am embracing my grief
whole-heartedly feeling
every square mm of it.
I can't shove it away
it just pummels its way out of me
at all the wrong moments
I cry at the grocery store
at the doctor's
at the coffee shop
and everywhere...
and that is ok.
If you ask how I am
I'll tell you I am terrible
I can't hide it
I don't like masks
I'll tell every soul
I know about
My Calli

the depths of despair
 are not too far for God to reach me....
He is with me always...
Even in the valley...
Even in the shadow of death....

This is my time to grieve and mourn 
and cry and lay in bed all day some days
and go out and be normal and laugh other days...
There is a time to mourn
and a time to dance....


  1. Lucy,
    I think about Calli and ALL of you everyday! I especially think of Calli when I am sitting down talking to Rachel. I look at Rachel and I think of Calli and I cannot imagine what you are going through. Whenever I think of Calli, I send up a quiet little prayer for you and I pray that some day you will be at peace. I believe that there is no one correct way to grieve. I think you have to do what is right for you and you should be allowed to do it your way! I love the pictures of Mike and Aiden. Soooo funny! God Bless You and Keep You and grant you His precious gift of peace. ~ Barbara Smith

  2. Lucy,
    This is what I think that your father would want me to say to you:

    1. Baby Steps. You know the movie- one of his fave's. Everyday, one tiny step. Don't rush, run, jog, jump, or be reckless. Just take baby steps.

    2. Let it out. Which you are doing (this blog is a part of that).

    3. Love yourself unconditionally. Guilt?? I hear him whaaat? guilt-schmilt!. Lose it.

    4. Forget the negative words that are pulling you down. You are smarter than that.

    5. Lift someone else up. You know the commercial, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" - funny cause the lady is like 45 years old. Hmmm? Who better than to understand the pain of loss than you?

    I hear him telling me to be with you. To love his wife. To take big bites out of life (or sandwiches!). He advises me to ride a horse, watch Fidler, be creative!!
    He wants us to be happy. Through the consequence... he wants us to press on. <3

  3. Life will never be the fairy tale that some people want to pretend it is. You have endured more grief than I can imagine. Sometimes the best advice people can give is none. Thanks for reminding me of that.

  4. I'm in shock that people would actually say those things to you! How ignorant! They may be quoting Scripture, but they are quoting the Pharasees that Jesus condemmed. And was not Mary visiting the grave of Jesus when he presented himself to her? He didn't chide her for visiting a grave, he simply asked her why she was looking for him when he was alive. Jesus wept at Lazarus' grave. Grieving is a normal emotion, and there is no Biblical basis for saying Christian's should not grieve. (I had put normal human emotion, and I was reminded that Scripture says God grieves, so it's not limited to humans.) I continue to pray for your family because I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, and it is not something you can or should "just get over."

  5. sadness and grieving do not make you less of a Christian. I think it is so easy for those who have not lost a child to tell you to just get over it. That was your baby, in the way we think the world should work, you should have seen he grown up, get married, have her own family and you should have gone first. Calli did not get sick because she, you or any of your family lost faith. you will grieve in your own way and I don't believe there is a "right" way to do it. If you need to cry, then go ahead and cry. More than anything I wish I had the power to bring Calli back to you and to bring all the children who have passed back to their families. Having not experienced this myself it would be easy for me to give you advice that I am sure wouldn't help. What could possibly help is talking to your pastor and other parents who have gone through a similar experience. Having read blogs from other families who have gone through this I have seen that they all grieve differently. they have lost "friends" who can't handle it. You just need to do whatever you have to do to get through the day. Some days that may be staying in bed all day. I imagine this is so much harder when you have another child who needs you too. Thoughts and prayers to all of you. big hugs to Aiden, I think of all of you everyday and wish I could make it all better. Much love to all of you. Erica Lozano, Phoenixville PA

  6. Hi Lucy, I think I've only here commented once, but I've followed your blog from the first post (we have friends in common, that's how I found your blog). I am so sorry all the hurtful things people have said to you. Sin sucks. Death sucks. I hate it. I am so sorry for you that you are going through this. I won't add my voice to those telling you what to do, I pray they give you more grace. If working or not working or public school or sitting home crying all day is what you do with today, it's what's you do with today. If you are not OK today, that is OK. Grief is a process. I lost a baby - not anything like your story, I don't compare it - but I had to learn that grief is a process and it takes time - a long time. Much longer than I thought, longer than I wanted.

    On another note, I am envious that your son started to PS! Our sons are the same age and we are going through "the change" too! lol You are not alone, good kids suddenly start saying things like "You are ruining my life!". I think it's a sign they are normal and hormonal and beginning to find their own way in this world as their own people. And yes, we were like that, too. I'm nicer to my mom now. Funny what your friend said, "If they hate you, you are doing a good job". lol Yeah. I want to send my son to PS, too, so I'm curious how he does. Keep us posted how it's going. Sometimes you just need a break from hs-ing and that's okay. He'll be fine. My son is currently begging me not to send him and tells me I'll pay if I do. LOL! :) praying for you and your family

  7. Lucy,
    I don't have any wise words, I don't have any advice to give. But I can tell you that I miss Calli deeply - I see her face in unexpected places, her spirit jumps up both when I think of her and when I'm occupied with other things. I can't understand why her beautiful, wonderful soul needed to leave this place - the world would have been so much better with her here! So, I have no wisdom to impart - I've been searching for some myself here -- but I'll listen, I'll hold your hand, I'll hug.
    xo, Erin

  8. you probably don't know me, I am a friend of Lois & Terri, but I saw Calli at the Mercer Christmas open house shortly after I went through chemo. I got who she was, so full of life, so young and beautiful! I wish I could have given her my cure. I am so sorry she is gone. You can grieve however you will. no other person is you, feels as you do, or has lived your life... no one can tell you how to feel or grieve. That HOLE will always be there...with time MAYBE you learn to live with it. It will never go away; she was your baby, part of you and now there is a HOLE. I send you whatever love, support and good energy I can; yes even if you don't know me. prayers are said for you and your family. The flowers on her grave are beautiful! KJ Reilly

  9. My friend and I go to tkd & ivms. We went up to Aiden and said hi. He should join chorus, it's a lot of fun and you meet a lot of awesome people. I don't know if he is in chorus b/c it's split by teams. Ivms is a good place as long as you choose the right people. I love your blogs!!! So inspirational!

  10. Lucy, I just wanted to tell you that I think about you all often and about Calli. I don't see you with the distance and all, but I care and I pray. Also, I am SO saddened that people actually have said those things to you. Mouth dropped onto the floor in disbelief. That people who claim to love the same Jesus I wrap my life around could think any of those things are okay to say. Sending prayers and love from Wisconsin.


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