There is no pit too deep....

This is one of those weeks...

where all seems against us.

where looking forward hurts

as much as looking back

where time stands still

and silent

and we are frozen...

but the world keeps moving

and holly jollying

and giving their thanks....

when we are still looking for a reason

to smile 

amidst all the tinsel

and twaddle,

the spending and glitzing and

and self-indulgent crap,

we are frozen

incapable of digesting it all...

choking

we have unpredictable and random emotions

Little things set us off...

Like when I wore that nail polish...

that grayish-purple nail polish

Aidan was acting so mean 

and weird to me one day...

Finally he confessed-

it was all about the nail polish

he wanted to throw up just looking at it-

He cried as he said, 

"Mom, don't ever

wear that color again, 

I held her hand mom,

I held her hand."

That is when I realized...

that was the last color I painted 

on her long, beautiful fingers,

that was the color she was wearing 

when she died in my arms, 

and in his hands...

I can't handle walking through target,

all the tinsel and trim

I cry through the aisles

I can't watch the holiday films

or hear Christmas music

or even hear the piano play...

when I feel the cold December winds coming...

All I can think about is that

she LOVED winter, and snow

and Christmas 

and the smell of a real tree 

and the lights on the houses

the candy cane in her cocoa

eating snow

making presents.....

it all

 breaks my heart into 

a trillion pieces

all over again

Mike doesn't talk much

or express much,

but he broke down over an extra piece of chicken,

and he will start crying randomly,

and we don't know the trigger was,

but we know why.

there are so many triggers...

We are all raw over here

amputated

oozing

without a vital limb...

We are doubting, 

We are abnormally normal.

At least that is what the professionals are telling us

We have not lost our faith....

but doubts still come

Just as David said in the Psalms

 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

Why are you so far from saving me, 

so far from the words of my groaning?" (22:1). 

and like Job:   "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; 

my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). 

 Just as those saints of old,

who we read about...

and who we look to 

as our examples...

We see, that just as they were then...

we are now

Not denying God, or his power,

filled with both faith and terrible grief 

and sometimes doubt

 

we aren't functioning properly

and are hanging on by threads

people keep saying...

each day will get better

time heals all wounds...

but it seems...

that each day gets worse

No amount of work 

or crafts

or volunteering

or time together

will ever make us feel better about

Calli's body dying

and how horribly she suffered

Each day, it seems,

the very ones that are supposed

to wall around us as protection when we are hurting....

and help us heal

be a support for us...

are the very ones

that are

ignoring us

avoiding us

misunderstanding us

taking offense

accusing

stabbing us

talking about us

calling us names

 

Mike, Aidan and I...

right now...

we don't have much to give to each other...

let alone to anyone else...

So we apologize for not meeting your expectations

and for holding too high expectations

for you...

 We can't see past our emotions, 

We can't see past our great loss

We are blind

groping the walls

seeking light

life

the way out 

reaching and begging and pleading

for help

for salvation....

from this lot.

But God thought us worthy of this lot

so we bear it.

mind you...

we may not bear it silently as Jesus did....

we may bear it....

completely recklessly

and inappropriately

while screaming,

laughing,

crying,

while silent,

pious or angry,

thrashing against it all....

or numbing our way through it all

but we will bear it

we have no choice

God is faithful to do what He says He will do

 regardless of how we feel 

or how we act

or what we believe 

or what we doubt....

but it sure doesn't help

when we don't see

or feel

or hear....

God.

It feels very very lonely

It is very very lonely 

It feels like rejection

like punishment

like the wilderness...

Sometimes we get a glimmer of God,

when He sends someone...

when He calls out to them...

and they answer Him with a 

"Yes, Lord- I am willing."

He has called out to many

but few answer His call

few answer THIS CALL-

He sends that still small voice to their heart and says...

 

"I want you to call them and just listen-

they may never pick up the phone.

Stop by their house-

they may close the door.

Send a note-

you may never get a response.

Call them again-

pat them on the back

hug them

even if they resist hugging you back

 don't take it personal

this is not about you

this is about Me

text them a song, or a poem

send them a picture

write them a memory

let them know you miss her too

talk about Calli 

and Matt 

and Linda-

even if it makes you uncomfortable

pray for them...

read scripture over their family

really pray for them 

Stop telling them what to do

just listen.

I am calling you

They need you

Are you willing?

They have NOTHING to give you back.  

They will drain you, 

....but I want you to help them....

are you willing?  

You will never get praise

or rewards on this side of Heaven

No one will know you are helping them

but Me."

 This week...When you are all giving your thanks, 

and Watching a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,

and Carving your bird...

please remember a young man

named Aidan,

who is only 13,

and has been traumatized so deeply 

by the loss of his beloved sister, 

Grandfather, Grandmother 

and the callous and careless wounds and words 

of the very people he is supposed to lean on and trust.

Please pray for him.

And Pray for Mike, 

that God shows him how 

to lead and care for 

his wounded family

while he himself

is so broken and needs

to be cared for too

And Pray for me,

That I find a reason  to sing again

and that I can love my Aidan,

and My Mike,

As they need me to love them

and that I can forgive those

that have wounded us

Please pray for the peace

of our home

 This week, I needed to hear the Lord

I prayed and prayed

and I don't believe in ghosts, 

but I believe the Lord lets me hear Calli sometimes, speaking to me

telling me things...

I heard Calli saying to me...

"Mommy, put on my playlist."

 

Her playlist.

Her radiation playlist...

This playlist she made for herself to listen to during

one of the hardest trails of her life.

the hour and a half of brain and spine radiation.

 this music

brought her through.

I inherited all of her music, 

her cds

her playlists

her journals....

 

here is one of those songs...

 Beautiful Mercy

by Laura Hackett

There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach
there is no sorrow so strong
that will overtake his beloved one
No pit too deep
That Jesus cannot reach
There is no sorrow so strong
That will overtake his beloved one

And He's brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

He's so kind
Oh beautiful mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)

Beautiful Mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do

You've brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And You've let me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

So I will sing
Yes I will sing, I will sing
Even in the brokenness
I will sing
Even in this loneliness

If you are interested- here is her playlist- I know she added more songs after radiation, but this is her original list-

IN CHRIST ALONE-

 RITA SPRINGER

LIVING HOPE- 

LAURA HACKETT

WHERE YOU GO I GO- 

KIM WALKER

JESU JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING-

JOSH GROBAN

PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM-

 CASTING CROWNS

GOD OF THE ANGEL ARMIES (EXTENDED VERSION)- 

JONATHAN DAVID HELSER

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE- 

SELAH

FLY (EXTENDED VERSION) -

JONATHAN DAVID HELSER

LET'S SURVIVE THIS TOGETHER-

 LAURA HACKETT

FLING WIDE- 

MISTY EDWARDS

WHEN I AM AFRAID-

 LAURA HACKETT

A LITTLE LONGER-

 BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON

PSALMS 73-

BARLOW GIRL

DRY BONES- 

GUNGOR 

BEAUTIFUL THINGS- 

GUNGOR

PRAISE YOU IN THE DANCE- 

CASTING CROWNS

ALL I NEED- 

JJ HELLER

BEAUTIFUL MERCY- 

LAURA HACKETT

YOU RAISE ME UP- 

JOSH GROBAN

WORTH IT ALL- 

RITA SPRINGER

SONS & DAUGHTERS-
JASON UPTON

HEALING IS IN YOUR HANDS-
CHRISTY KNOCKLES

HAYLIE-
JASON UPTON

BLESS THE LORD-
RITA SPRINGER

WARRIOR-
 CAEDMON'S CALL

I PUT ON CHRIST-
LAURA HACKETT

I WILL WASTE MY LIFE-
MISTY EDWARDS

WILL OF GOD-
JASON UPTON

HOLDING ON-
JAMIE GRACE

GREAT RIVER ROAD(from jacob's ladder album)-
JASON UPTON

BRAND NEW DAY-
JOSHUA RADIN

WHERE YOU GO I GO- 

BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON

 THE PRAYER-
CHARLOTTE CHURCH WITH JOSH GROBAN

THE CALL-
REGINA SPEKTOR

I'm gonna end with this song-

kinda how we are feeling right now-

I heard it last night with Aidan

We were watching THE VOICE

Calli liked watching that show

Every now and hten I turn it on...

It's funny how I find myself watching things, 

I never watched before,

but do, because she did...

Anyway- I flipped it on last night,

And I heard this song

Totally balled my eyes out

because it really just fits....

Here are the lyrics-

Over You

by Miranda Lambert

Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.

I know you didn't mean to give them to me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone

'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.