stuck

I promised to write...

I am slowly easing back.

I feel stuck.

I have so much that I can write, 

that I should write...

but we are in a daily battle over here on the home front.

In the trenches, so to speak.

Recently a mother told me she was "In the trenches" with her teenage daughter.

I asked her what she meant...

She started talking about boy problems...really?

I scoffed.  

I laughed.

I should not have. (insert rolling eyes emoji here)

But I guess that that teenage girl's boy problems to them,

Seemed to be major and worthy of the word "traumatic" .

Forgive me if I seem cynical.

I am living trauma,

My son is a living

walking

breathing

traumatized teen

who hides it well...from others

He just wants to be "normal"

but he is not

we are not

Trauma, by definition from APA & The encyclopedia is the following:

 Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, death, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches anxiety or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives. Every child will respond to trauma differently. Some will have no ill effects; others may suffer an immediate and acute effect. Still others may not show signs of stress until sometime after the event. 

 People who go through these types of extremely traumatic experiences often have certain symptoms and problems afterward. How severe these symptoms are depends on the person, the type of trauma involved, and the emotional support they receive from others. Reactions to and symptoms of trauma can be wide and varied, and differ in severity from person to person. A traumatized individual may experience one or several of them. Carlson, Eve B.; Josef Ruzek. "Effects of Traumatic Experiences: A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet". National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Archived from the original on 2004-06-12. Retrieved 2005-12-09.

 After a traumatic experience, a person may re-experience the trauma mentally and physically, hence avoiding trauma reminders, also called triggers, as this can be uncomfortable and even painful.  Re-experiencing symptoms are a sign that the body and mind are actively struggling to cope with the traumatic experience.

Triggers and cues act as reminders of the trauma, and can cause anxiety and other associated emotions.

 Often the person can be completely unaware of what these triggers are. In many cases this may lead a person suffering from traumatic disorders to engage in disruptive or self-destructive coping mechanisms, often without being fully aware of the nature or causes of their own actions. Panic attacks are an example of a psychosomatic response to such emotional triggers, which can sometimes lead to severe-case psychosis.

 Consequently, intense feelings of anger may frequently surface, sometimes in inappropriate or unexpected situations, as danger may always seem to be present, as much as it is actually present and experienced from past events. Upsetting memories such as images, thoughts, or flashbacks may haunt the person, and nightmares may be frequent.  Insomnia may occur as lurking fears and insecurity keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night.

 The person may not remember what actually happened, while emotions experienced during the trauma may be re-experienced without the person understanding why (see Repressed memory). This can lead to the traumatic events being constantly experienced as if they were happening in the present, preventing the subject from gaining perspective on the experience. This can produce a pattern of prolonged periods of acute arousal punctuated by periods of physical and mental exhaustion. ^[14]

 In time, emotional exhaustion may set in, leading to distraction, and clear thinking may be difficult or impossible. Emotional detachment, as well as dissociation or "numbing out", can frequently occur. Dissociating from the painful emotion includes numbing all emotion, and the person may seem emotionally flat, preoccupied, distant, or cold. The person can become confused in ordinary situations and have memory problems.

Some traumatized people may feel permanently damaged when trauma symptoms do not go away and they do not believe their situation will improve. This can lead to feelings of despair, loss of self-esteem, and frequently depression.

OK SO DID YOU READ ALL OF THAT?

Most likely you did not

You know back in school when you took multiple choice tests, 

and you have to pick a, b, c, 

or d- all of the above...

We are All of the above...and then some 

I know that the Lord is walking with us on this road,

but if we are being honest, 

which I am honest

Sometimes it does not feel like He is there.

and quite honestly it is a terrible thinking,

but what good are our thoughts

our feelings

aren't they the things that get us most in trouble?

Sometimes I think (there I go again jeesh)

That my thoughts and my emotions are the very things

that bog me down the most...

It kinds sucks all of this grief and sorrow 

and joy and sadness 

and madness and laughing

and loneliness and contentment 

and man oh man

Are you feeling better about your self or your situation yet?

I am raw

I am honest

I have always been honest

and probably raw too...

but now I am like

super-power RAW.

I am a little bit all over the place, 

blame it on my lack of writing-

you are truly getting a little glimpse

into my multi-functioning

brain right now- 

I wanted to share a devotion that I have always loved so much and that has truly RE-DIRECTED my brain, my RAW human brain at times when stress and trauma and drama and situations and and emotions can get in the way of Truth...God's Truth, that He IS with me and will NEVER forsake me.

Calli and I both loved to read Streams in Desert, on a daily basis, If you have read the blog from the beginning, you know that we posted a lot when Calli was first diagnosed...those devotions really helped her and me to re-focus and we were comforted by them...

So back to the brain and emotions getting in the way of truth...lets re-focus a bit OK? OKAY.

STREAMS IN THE DESERT By Mrs. Charles Cowman

FEBRUARY 9

He answered her not a word (Matthew 15:23).
He will be silent in his love (Zephaniah 3:17).
It may be a child of God is reading these words who has had some great crushing sorrow, some bitter disappointment, some heart-breaking blow from a totally unexpected quarter.

 You are longing for your Master's voice bidding you "Be of good cheer," but only silence and a sense of mystery and misery meet you --"He answered her not a word."

 God's tender heart must often ache listening to all the sad, complaining cries which arise from our weak, impatient hearts, because we do not see, that for our own sakes, He answers not at all- or otherwise than seems best to our tear-blinded, short-sighted eyes. 

 The silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His speech and may be a sign, not of His disapproval, but of His approval and of a deep purpose of blessing for you.

 "Why art thou cast down, O… soul?" Thou shalt yet praise Him, yes, even for His silence.

 Listen to an old and beautiful story of how one Christian dreamed that she saw three others at prayer......

 As they knelt the Master drew near to them.

As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her in tenderness and grace, with smiles full of radiant love and spoke to her in accents of purest, sweetest music. 

 Leaving her, He came to the second, but only placed His hand upon her bowed bead, and gave her one look of loving approval. 

 The third woman He passed almost abruptly without stopping for a word or glance.

 The woman in her dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first one, to the second He gave His approval, but none of the special demonstrations of love He gave the first; and the third must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all and not even a passing look.

 "I wonder what she has done, and why He made so much difference between them?"

 As she tried to account for the action of her Lord, He Himself stood by her and said:

 "O woman! how wrongly hast thou interpreted Me. The first kneeling woman needs all the weight of My tenderness and care to keep her feet in My narrow way. She needs My love, thought and help every moment of the day. Without it she would fail and fall.

 "The second has stronger faith and deeper love, and I can trust her to trust Me however things may go and whatever people do. 

 The third, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the finest quality, and her I am training by quick and drastic processes for the highest and holiest service. "She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so utterly, that she is independent of words or looks or any outward intimation of My approval. She is not dismayed nor discouraged by any circumstances through which I arrange that she shall pass; she trusts Me when sense and reason and every finer instinct of the natural heart would rebel;--because she knows that I am working in her for eternity, and that what I do, though she knows not the explanation now, she will understand hereafter.

 "I am silent in My love because I love beyond the power of words to express, or of human hearts to understand, and also for your sakes that you may learn to love and trust Me in Spirit-taught, spontaneous response to My love, without the spur of anything outward to call it forth."

 He "will do marvels" if you will learn the mystery of His silence, and praise Him, for every time He withdraws His gifts that you may better know and love the Giver.

--Selected

I digress...

so this is why,

without many more details

of our every day workings

I am slow to write

Stuck.

I feel stuck

there go those feelings again...

I feel stuck

There are people who we love dearly

who have told us that

We have created our own prison

That we can walk daily life

free from sorrow 

and grief

and the trauma can just go away

and the memories

that we are experiencing should not resurface

that we are SINNING when we visit Calli's grave

They have told us to "Get over It."

I am not kidding

My initial response 

ahem

is not always Christlike

ahem

Statements like that

Make me mad 

and sad for them

and well...

Make me really want to say those cliche statements

that require a thorough

mouth-washing-with-dial-soap 

and repentance sesh with Da Lord

afterwards :/

The truth of it is,

Calli is not a thing to "Get over"

She is our daughter

She is free and living in Heaven,

healthy, whole, alive

I know that - I really do

But again, I cannot delete memories

Can you?

I am not signing up for a lobotomy anytime soon

They are there

God has allowed them to be there

People...

 humans forget these things

We will never be the same

Our daily lives have been utterly changed

People that were close to Calli, like my mom, her aunts, cousins, friends 

are NOT affected as much or as deeply as we are, 

because she LIVED with us and was a part of our every day - all day routine. 

We have more memories, more heartache....the loss is greater, effects us more.

I used to get angry because I thought that her family and friends were forgetting her, 

would not and still don't say her name or talk about her...

but I came to the realization, that I should not be angry with them. 

I think of Calli every single day and miss Calli every single day,

because she was a part of our every single day

Others may only think of her once or twice a week

or month

or year

Because that's all she was...

a part of their once a month-

and that is OK.

But she was a part of our everyday..

of My and Aidan's all day....

This got me thinking about sin...

Am I sinning by having flashbacks that I cannot control?

Am I sinning when I have a nightmare 

and no matter how much I ask God 

to take the visions of that nightmare out of my head, 

no matter how much worship I listen to, 

or Bible that I read, 

or how much I really set my mind on the things above...

and renew my mind....

the rest of my day is effected 

by seeing my daughter die  in my dreams

over 

and over and 

over and 

over again.

Am I sinning when I miss Calli

and cry about it?

What about Aidan's day at school 

after he has a dream about Calli...

alive in her coffin under the ground

scratching and scratching and scratching at the lid

and he finally digs her out

and opens the lid

and she is a skeleton

with scratch marks all over the lid...

how do you think that affects his day?

 Is Aidan sinning by "not having self-control"  

when his this happens and his brain short circuits  

& has a PTSD implosion 

& he does not remember what even occurred afterward? 

Or what triggered it....

Is that sin when his mind can't rid itself of it?

Are we sinning when we are talking about how we need more childhood and brain cancer research?

Is Mike sinning by detaching more and more 

so that he does not have to feel the searing pain of loss?

Or when he can't come to your daughter's graduation or birthday party because it just reminds him that his daughter is dead?

I am going to digress again...

There was a band Creed that I used to listen to, 

way back in the 90's

and there was this song called "My Own Prison,"

I was thinking of this song again recently and

downloaded it and listened to it over and over

as loud as I could

If you are reading on a phone 

you need to log into youtube to watch!  

Sorry blogspot problem :(  

"My Own Prison"

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
  So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
  We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A Lion roars in the darkness
Only He holds the key
A Light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
I Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
I Ain't got no time
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
  We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God
Seeking only His decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only His decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
  We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

So this is what I know.

I know that I am a filthy no good sinner

I know that any righteousness that I do have, is not my own, but from God

I know that you may not, but Jesus loves me- no matter what I do or say or act or feel

I know that Jesus died on the cross for me when I was in the midst of sin

I know that no man knows all things, we are weak, pitiful, humans

I know that sometimes people think they are being used by God...

and really really mean well, and are trying to help...

But instead of helping with God's agenda, 

it is their own emotional or thought response to a particular situation or lack of understanding

that comes through instead 

of what the Lord wanted to convey (my hand is raised I have done this!)

I know that God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts

I know that God's ways are not our ways

I know that God does not want us to have to live in this trauma

but that for some reason...

He has allowed it in our lives

For his own Agenda

For his own plans

for our sharpening

 James 1:2-4

² Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various ^[a]trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces ^[b]endurance. ⁴ And let ^[c]endurance have its perfect ^[d]result, so that you may be ^[e]perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

He is forming us into His creation, not our own ideas of what we should be

I know He has plans for our lives that are not our own plans (DUH!)

I don't want this, 

never did, 

never will....

I know that I will not understand things on this side of eternity 

and therefore I do not need answers to all of the questions that my brain asks...

or others brains try to figure out or tell us that they have figured out

I know that we want to live free from our situation, 

we don't want to have flashbacks 

or get angry or stay sad, 

or have nightmares or have anxiety 

or depression, or detach 

or hide or numb away the pain...

Is Isaiah 55 it is clear....

⁶ Seek the Lord while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the Lord,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
⁸ “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
¹¹ So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
¹² “For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
¹³ “Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And ^[e]it will be a ^[f]memorial to the Lord,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”

Jesus loves me this I know

For the Bible tells me so

Little ones to Him belong

They are are weak,

But He is strong

Yes Jesus loves me

Yes Jesus loves me

Yes Jesus loves me

The bible tells me so

Jesus loves me! 

This I know,

As He loved so long ago,

Taking children on His knee,

Saying let them come to ME

Jesus loves me still today,

Walking with me on my way

Wanting as a friend to give

Light and love to all who live.

Jesus loves me 

He who died

Heaven's gate to open wide

He will wash away my sin

Let His little child come in 

Jesus loves me! He will stay

Close beside me all the way;

He hast bled and died for me,

I will henceforth live for Thee.

Yes Jesus loves me

Yes Jesus loves me

Yes Jesus loves me

The bible tells me so