Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Year of Impossible Goodbye's

"Memory is a way of 
holding on to the things you love, 
the things you are, 
the things you never want to lose."     
from The Wonder Years


July 3, 2012...
the very last time she was awake,
kissed us back,
and spoke to us,
she said, 
"Daddy take me home, I just want to go home."
So later that night,
an ambulance transported 
her comatose body
home to her bed
to her dogs
to her cat
All night and all day,
Mike and I stayed by her side...
praying,
reading scriptures to her,
singing to her,
playing her favorite worship music

 July 4, 2012 Mike was pleading, "Calli wake up, come on, get up."


She slept very peacefully
the entire day....
heart rate rock solid,
blood pressure absolutely normal
no death rattle
no horrible gasping breaths
just peace...
Around 8 pm,
her breathing slowed a bit
the bed began to shake
I thought she was having a seizure,
but realized it was Roscoe,
one of our dogs,
under her bed
trembling.
He knew.
Jesus was in that room
coming to take her hand
and lead her down a long dark road
to His light
His Freedom
His healing
Her home
At 8:20 pm, on July 4, 2012
She took her very last breath
and let go
and emerged from that
cancer-ridden body
and flew away

 Knowing that she
was secure
in Her Father's hands

She met Jesus face to face
and was embraced by Her Heavenly Father...
her Grandmom and Grandpop
and her Poppy
and countless other family members
and Christopher
and Gabby
and so many other warrior children
just like her that 
passed on before her
and all the Saints....
oh the glorious rapture
of Joy that must have filled her heart
When she saw Ruth and Esther
and Keith Green
and King David
and Paul...


 Despite what we knew,
that Calli was healed
and whole
and ok
not just ok,
but with Jesus
in her mansion....

Shock hit.
Absolute shock.
We thought she just had an infection.
But she died.

It was very hard to call our friends 
and family that night.
What do I say?
 "Calli is with Jesus."
Some of them did not believe me.
It was not a joke.
They had just seen her awake and alive and fine.


Looking at an empty bed....
my child's empty bed...
was surreal.

The next day,
we made all the arrangements 
that you have to make
and I told them how to do her hair
and light makeup...

I got a call later on
from the funeral director
asking me to come
because her hair
did not look right.

At first, I dreaded
having to go see her
without life
without breath...
but then, I longed to stay with her...
her body.

So I went and
her hair was a mess, 
so Mike brought all of her
things to me,
and I spent the next 4 hours 
carefully washing & drying and
doing my baby's hair, nails, and makeup.

Believe it or not, it was a precious time
The last time
I wold take care of my daughter
I sang to her
and talked to her
and felt really good 
doing this for her
I am her mommy, it is
only fitting that I do it- not a stranger
I took pictures of her whole life.

I am not ashamed
to share...
A year later...
her beauty.
I find these pictures
very beautiful.


Blue, Yellow and Green 
were her favorite colors

Our good friends from Hawaii
sent leis that were draped 
around her casket.

When we buried Mike's mom 4 months earlier,
Calli walked in the casket room,
looked at the beautiful wooden casket
and said, "I like this one, it is simple."
It was the same one Mike's mom had chosen
when she buried his dad.

She loved the woods
and all things natural
She looked like 
sleeping beauty
and an angel
not sick at all.



 Queen Anne's lace was one of her favorite flowers.
The week she died,
Our yard was filled with them.

 August 4,
one month later
I was going to visit her grave...
And I passed a field of queen Anne's lace
I cut as many as I could fit in the back of my car.
Then I passed a field of purple Scottish Thistles,
Another one of Calli's favorites..
So I picked a bunch of those
As I came up the hill to the cemetary...
A field of Mustard...
beautiful yellow....I picked them too

 A hammer hit my gut 
when I saw this
dirt
fresh dirt
It is really hard to let go of the body of
your child.
I know she is in Heaven and with Jesus...
but a mother...
has a very terrible time
letting go of the body
that grew beneath her heart
shared the same blood
AUGUST 4, 2012, 1 month


After Calli died,
and I read her journals...
I found a page in one of them
two pages actually
on one page...
was her wedding plans
on the other...
her funeral plans.
This is a poem by 
Robert Louis Stevenson,
A Scottish Author...
that she wanted on her headstone.
We had already ordered her 
headstone a month back,
so we had this black granite one made with
Scottish Thistles on it for her.

The grave behind her,
is her Grandmom & Grandpops grave.
Her body lays at her Grandpop's feet.
As you can see...
there is still fresh dirt
on her Grandmom's grave :(

SEPTEMBER 4, 2012, 2 MONTHS




OCTOBER 4, 2012, 3 MONTHS

OCTOBER 19, HER HEADSTONE CAME
The day her headstone came....
leaves were falling
people were gaily going about their lives
To see her name carved
into a stone....
It was real
It was so final

NOVEMBER 4, 2012,  4 MONTHS
DECEMBER 4, 2012, 5 MONTHS

DECEMBER 25, CHRISTMAS DAY

JANUARY 4, 2013, 6 MONTHS


FEBRUARY 4, 2013- 7 MONTHS
MARCH 4, 2013, 8 MONTHS

SPRING IS HERE
APRIL 4, 2013, 9 MONTHS
MAY 4, 2013, 10 MONTHS....NEW FLOWERS PLANTED AND BLOOMING
JUNE 4, 2013, 11 MONTHS, FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

MY FIRST MONARCH OF THE SUMMER

JUNE 12, 2013, CALLI'S 16TH BIRTHDAY


WE INVITED CALLI'S BEST FRIENDS OVER TO RELEASE THEIR MESSAGES TO HEAVEN ON A BALLOON FOR HER


LATER THAT EVENING, WE EVEN PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO HER DREAM CAR- THIS EXACT BLUE MUSTANG WITH WHITE STRIPES
THE NEXT DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY, WE WERE SEVERAL TOWNS AWAY, AND THERE IT WAS AGAIN..FOLLOWING US.  I THINK CALLI WAS TELLING US THAT JESUS GAVE HER HER MUSTANG FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
THIS WEEK, ALL OF THE QUEEN ANNE'S LACE IS BLOOMING AGAIN...WHEN YOU SEE IT, REMEMBER CALLI, REMEMBER HER DELICATE, SWEET PERSONALITY, REMEMBER HER STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, REMEMBER HER PERSEVERANCE, REMEMBER HER UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION TO JESUS.

JULY 4, 2013, 1 YEAR
 
TODAY, I PICKED SO MANY WILDFLOWERS FROM OUR YARD AND DISTANT FIELD.  CALLI LOVED WILDFLOWERS

AIDAN FOUND THIS GLORIOUS MUSHROOM AND A BABY  & "TURQUOISE" PINE CONE FOR CALLI

IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT AS WE SAT AT CALLI'S GRAVE AND REMEMBERED AND REFLECTED ON THIS PAST YEAR, THAT WE HEARD CHICKADEES ABOVE US IN THIS EVERGREEN.  CHICKADEES WERE CHICK-A-DEE-DEE-DEEING AND PLAYING ON THE BRANCHES ABOVE HER GRAVE.  CHICKADEES, CALLI'S FAVORITE BIRD

WE WENT FOR A WALK AT PEACE VALLEY BIRD SANCTUARY, AND RIGHT IN OUR PATH  WAS THIS BUTTERFLY WING

FIREWORKS ARE VERY HARD TO HEAR.  THIS YEAR, IN MEMORY OF CALLI'S INDEPENDENCE DAY, WE LIT 3 SKY LANTERNS, ONE AT A TIME AND WATCHED THEM GO AS HIGH AND AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.  A FRIEND SAID THAT SHE SAW ONE IN THE SKY ABOVE PENNSBURG TONIGHT
 



 

 

 



This is one of Calli's favorite scriptures, the part highlighted in yellow, I have in her handwriting, on my bathroom mirror...so that each morning and each evening I read it and I remember what she wanted me to remember.

Hope in the Lord’s Faithfulness

Lamentations 3

  I am the one who has seen the afflictions
    that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger.
He has led me into darkness,
    shutting out all light.
He has turned his hand against me
    again and again, all day long.
He has made my skin and flesh grow old.
    He has broken my bones.
He has besieged and surrounded me
    with anguish and distress.
He has buried me in a dark place,
    like those long dead.
He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
    He has bound me in heavy chains.
And though I cry and shout,
    he has shut out my prayers.
He has blocked my way with a high stone wall;
    he has made my road crooked.
10 He has hidden like a bear or a lion,
    waiting to attack me.
11 He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
    leaving me helpless and devastated.
12 He has drawn his bow
    and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He shot his arrows
    deep into my heart.
14 My own people laugh at me.
    All day long they sing their mocking songs.
15 He has filled me with bitterness
    and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.
16 He has made me chew on gravel.
    He has rolled me in the dust.
17 Peace has been stripped away,
    and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
    Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness
    is bitter beyond words.[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![a]
    His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline:
28 Let them sit alone in silence
    beneath the Lord’s demands.
29 Let them lie face down in the dust,
    for there may be hope at last.
30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
    and accept the insults of their enemies.
31 For no one is abandoned
    by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
33 For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.

2 comments:

  1. Thought of your family and of Calli the entire day today. Your love for her and for the Lord touches my heart in such a deep way. Praying for you earnestly tonight, though you do not know me, I am grieving with you, and praising the Lord that Calli is in eternity with the Lord.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Lord reminds me to pray for you frequently. May He continue to bless you and keep you....

    ReplyDelete

We love to know your reading! Your comments encourage us!