A Year of Impossible Goodbye's

"Memory is a way of 
holding on to the things you love, 
the things you are, 
the things you never want to lose."     
from The Wonder Years

July 3, 2012...

the very last time she was awake,

kissed us back,

and spoke to us,

she said, 

"Daddy take me home, I just want to go home."

So later that night,

an ambulance transported 

her comatose body

home to her bed

to her dogs

to her cat

All night and all day,

Mike and I stayed by her side...

praying,

reading scriptures to her,

singing to her,

playing her favorite worship music

 July 4, 2012 Mike was pleading, "Calli wake up, come on, get up."

She slept very peacefully

the entire day....

heart rate rock solid,

blood pressure absolutely normal

no death rattle

no horrible gasping breaths

just peace...

Around 8 pm,

her breathing slowed a bit

the bed began to shake

I thought she was having a seizure,

but realized it was Roscoe,

one of our dogs,

under her bed

trembling.

He knew.

Jesus was in that room

coming to take her hand

and lead her down a long dark road

to His light

His Freedom

His healing

Her home

At 8:20 pm, on July 4, 2012

She took her very last breath

and let go

and emerged from that

cancer-ridden body

and flew away

 Knowing that she

was secure

in Her Father's hands

She met Jesus face to face

and was embraced by Her Heavenly Father...

her Grandmom and Grandpop

and her Poppy

and countless other family members

and Christopher

and Gabby

and so many other warrior children

just like her that 

passed on before her

and all the Saints....

oh the glorious rapture

of Joy that must have filled her heart

When she saw Ruth and Esther

and Keith Green

and King David

and Paul...

 Despite what we knew,

that Calli was healed

and whole

and ok

not just ok,

but with Jesus

in her mansion....

Shock hit.

Absolute shock.

We thought she just had an infection.

But she died.

It was very hard to call our friends 

and family that night.

What do I say?

 "Calli is with Jesus."

Some of them did not believe me.

It was not a joke.

They had just seen her awake and alive and fine.

Looking at an empty bed....

my child's empty bed...

was surreal.

The next day,

we made all the arrangements 

that you have to make

and I told them how to do her hair

and light makeup...

I got a call later on

from the funeral director

asking me to come

because her hair

did not look right.

At first, I dreaded

having to go see her

without life

without breath...

but then, I longed to stay with her...

her body.

So I went and

her hair was a mess, 

so Mike brought all of her

things to me,

and I spent the next 4 hours 

carefully washing & drying and

doing my baby's hair, nails, and makeup.

Believe it or not, it was a precious time

The last time

I wold take care of my daughter

I sang to her

and talked to her

and felt really good 

doing this for her

I am her mommy, it is

only fitting that I do it- not a stranger

I took pictures of her whole life.

I am not ashamed

to share...

A year later...

her beauty.

I find these pictures

very beautiful.

Blue, Yellow and Green 

were her favorite colors

Our good friends from Hawaii

sent leis that were draped 

around her casket.

When we buried Mike's mom 4 months earlier,

Calli walked in the casket room,

looked at the beautiful wooden casket

and said, "I like this one, it is simple."

It was the same one Mike's mom had chosen

when she buried his dad.

She loved the woods

and all things natural

She looked like 

sleeping beauty

and an angel

not sick at all.

 Queen Anne's lace was one of her favorite flowers.

The week she died,

Our yard was filled with them.

 August 4,

one month later

I was going to visit her grave...

And I passed a field of queen Anne's lace

I cut as many as I could fit in the back of my car.

Then I passed a field of purple Scottish Thistles,

Another one of Calli's favorites..

So I picked a bunch of those

As I came up the hill to the cemetary...

A field of Mustard...

beautiful yellow....I picked them too

 A hammer hit my gut 

when I saw this

dirt

fresh dirt

It is really hard to let go of the body of

your child.

I know she is in Heaven and with Jesus...

but a mother...

has a very terrible time

letting go of the body

that grew beneath her heart

shared the same blood

AUGUST 4, 2012, 1 month

After Calli died,

and I read her journals...

I found a page in one of them

two pages actually

on one page...

was her wedding plans

on the other...

her funeral plans.

This is a poem by 

Robert Louis Stevenson,

A Scottish Author...

that she wanted on her headstone.

We had already ordered her 

headstone a month back,

so we had this black granite one made with

Scottish Thistles on it for her.

The grave behind her,

is her Grandmom & Grandpops grave.

Her body lays at her Grandpop's feet.

As you can see...

there is still fresh dirt

on her Grandmom's grave :(

SEPTEMBER 4, 2012, 2 MONTHS

OCTOBER 4, 2012, 3 MONTHS

OCTOBER 19, HER HEADSTONE CAME

The day her headstone came....

leaves were falling

people were gaily going about their lives

To see her name carved

into a stone....

It was real

It was so final

NOVEMBER 4, 2012,  4 MONTHS

DECEMBER 4, 2012, 5 MONTHS

DECEMBER 25, CHRISTMAS DAY

JANUARY 4, 2013, 6 MONTHS

FEBRUARY 4, 2013- 7 MONTHS

MARCH 4, 2013, 8 MONTHS

SPRING IS HERE

APRIL 4, 2013, 9 MONTHS

MAY 4, 2013, 10 MONTHS....NEW FLOWERS PLANTED AND BLOOMING

JUNE 4, 2013, 11 MONTHS, FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

MY FIRST MONARCH OF THE SUMMER

JUNE 12, 2013, CALLI'S 16TH BIRTHDAY

WE INVITED CALLI'S BEST FRIENDS OVER TO RELEASE THEIR MESSAGES TO HEAVEN ON A BALLOON FOR HER

LATER THAT EVENING, WE EVEN PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO HER DREAM CAR- THIS EXACT BLUE MUSTANG WITH WHITE STRIPES

THE NEXT DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY, WE WERE SEVERAL TOWNS AWAY, AND THERE IT WAS AGAIN..FOLLOWING US.  I THINK CALLI WAS TELLING US THAT JESUS GAVE HER HER MUSTANG FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

THIS WEEK, ALL OF THE QUEEN ANNE'S LACE IS BLOOMING AGAIN...WHEN YOU SEE IT, REMEMBER CALLI, REMEMBER HER DELICATE, SWEET PERSONALITY, REMEMBER HER STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, REMEMBER HER PERSEVERANCE, REMEMBER HER UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION TO JESUS.

JULY 4, 2013, 1 YEAR

 

TODAY, I PICKED SO MANY WILDFLOWERS FROM OUR YARD AND DISTANT FIELD.  CALLI LOVED WILDFLOWERS

AIDAN FOUND THIS GLORIOUS MUSHROOM AND A BABY  & "TURQUOISE" PINE CONE FOR CALLI

IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT AS WE SAT AT CALLI'S GRAVE AND REMEMBERED AND REFLECTED ON THIS PAST YEAR, THAT WE HEARD CHICKADEES ABOVE US IN THIS EVERGREEN.  CHICKADEES WERE CHICK-A-DEE-DEE-DEEING AND PLAYING ON THE BRANCHES ABOVE HER GRAVE.  CHICKADEES, CALLI'S FAVORITE BIRD

WE WENT FOR A WALK AT PEACE VALLEY BIRD SANCTUARY, AND RIGHT IN OUR PATH  WAS THIS BUTTERFLY WING

FIREWORKS ARE VERY HARD TO HEAR.  THIS YEAR, IN MEMORY OF CALLI'S INDEPENDENCE DAY, WE LIT 3 SKY LANTERNS, ONE AT A TIME AND WATCHED THEM GO AS HIGH AND AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.  A FRIEND SAID THAT SHE SAW ONE IN THE SKY ABOVE PENNSBURG TONIGHT

 

 

 

 

This is one of Calli's favorite scriptures, the part highlighted in yellow, I have in her handwriting, on my bathroom mirror...so that each morning and each evening I read it and I remember what she wanted me to remember.

Hope in the Lord’s Faithfulness

Lamentations 3

  I am the one who has seen the afflictions
    that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger.
² He has led me into darkness,
    shutting out all light.
³ He has turned his hand against me
    again and again, all day long.

⁴ He has made my skin and flesh grow old.
    He has broken my bones.
⁵ He has besieged and surrounded me
    with anguish and distress.
⁶ He has buried me in a dark place,
    like those long dead.

⁷ He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
    He has bound me in heavy chains.
⁸ And though I cry and shout,
    he has shut out my prayers.
⁹ He has blocked my way with a high stone wall;
    he has made my road crooked.

¹⁰ He has hidden like a bear or a lion,
    waiting to attack me.
¹¹ He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
    leaving me helpless and devastated.
¹² He has drawn his bow
    and made me the target for his arrows.

¹³ He shot his arrows
    deep into my heart.
¹⁴ My own people laugh at me.
    All day long they sing their mocking songs.
¹⁵ He has filled me with bitterness
    and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

¹⁶ He has made me chew on gravel.
    He has rolled me in the dust.
¹⁷ Peace has been stripped away,
    and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
¹⁸ I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
    Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
    is bitter beyond words.^[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!^[a]
    His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him.
²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
²⁷ And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline:

²⁸ Let them sit alone in silence
    beneath the Lord’s demands.
²⁹ Let them lie face down in the dust,
    for there may be hope at last.
³⁰ Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
    and accept the insults of their enemies.

³¹ For no one is abandoned
    by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.