35

Today is my birthday

I never thought I would ever
celebrate a birthday
without my Calli :(

I really miss hugging her

I miss how she melted...
...so easily into my arms

I miss smelling her hair

I miss talking to her

I miss my daughter...

I miss the special relationship
that we shared

And how easy it was
to talk to her
and laugh with her

unlike boys
and guys
and males

She was a girl

my girl

This was on my birthday last year

Today I am scrambling
and searching
through my drawers 

Desperately trying
to find the card 

My sweet Calli made me
for my birthday last year.

It had rainbows
she had drawn on it.
I love rainbows.

It had so many beautiful colors
and words in it

From her heart...
to mine

She told me how colorful I really was
on the inside 

She told me how much she loved me

She told me that no matter
 what anyone ever said...
 or did to me...

That she...
that she saw the real me

And she knew the real me..

And she loved me...

With all my true colors...
yellow
black
brown
blue
green
or red

And then she asked Mike to play this song...

And I held her
and hugged her
and cried with gratitude
for her life.
As we listened,

The love inside my heart
exploded

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Oh I realize

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful,

Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,

Don't be unhappy, can't remember

When I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

You call me up

Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful,

Like a rainbow

Mike just came in, 

We got a package.

Left on the doorstep

I don't even know who it is from...

But look what we got!

Wow, thank you,
whoever you are
that sent these to us.

They came at just the right moment...
THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Last weekend,
I went to the beach....

It was sunny and cold

it was a time of refreshing
and a time
of spiritual renewal

and it was really windy :)

This is Jill.
She is my friend
to the heart good 

as Calli used to say :)

Whenever I am out in the world,
I ask for a heart rock.
I have many over the years
that Calli and Aidan
have found for me...
or that I have found on walks
I always find one.
They are never perfectly shaped,
usually worn from the years,
sometimes broken,
but always, always a heart.
When I ask now,
I know Calli can hear
and she reminds Jesus
to send one to me.
I think just maybe that....
she can see them
and that she picks out
just the right one...
And then Jesus puts them in my path.
So on this cold & blustery
day on the beach,
I asked for another heart rock.

Jill said she would help me look...
And it was a very special
moment for her,
When she saw it first
It was very special indeed

survival

I love how the sun says good morning to me each day

Two cool kids...both getting their black belts on June 1

We told Aidan It was too warm to skate......

But he wanted to try anyway.....

He got nice & wet

I think I look like a horse here...no, a unicorn :)

I have a fondness for green olives....I am rather addicted to them

This is Amos...he is king of our bed.  I hate when he lays on the pillows

Aidan has never gotten anything other than 1st place in sparring

He is pretty good at putting hole in walls too....

don't judge a book by its cover...or by its tattoos....

I finally decided to go for it...I took my sketches & he made it permanent

right inner wrist infinity, babies breath, Callahan

Side of left wrist, monarch butterfly, treble clef, fly- the song that was playing when she died.  look it up.  by jonathan david helser, "fly"

I had surgery.  I am fine.  Calli was there in surgery with me.  No Joke.  She came through a door, tall and glowing from the inside- she looked exactly the same but totally different.  her hair was so long, the longest i ever was, and it was beaming with light from within it.  She held my hand as I laid there on the surgery bed, and she was talking to me the whole time, smiling and explaining things to me.  She was talking in a language I understood, but never heard before.  She was so tall & looked ageless..old but young...the essence of wisdom & love & comfort & she just glowed from the inside.  It was her spirit being.  Then,my dad came through the same door, and looked at me and smiled, and said to Calli, "It is time to go back now Calli."  And they both walked through the door.  They did not say goodbye, they just looked at me, smiled and left through the door.  Then I woke up from surgery, I was in shock and shaking & they could not get my temperature.  All I could see was Calli's face...pure I was screaming her name, and I did not understand why I was waking up and not going back to her.  I wanted to go back to that place.  I asked them to put me back asleep, and they tried to calm me down, but I was irrational and just wanted to go be with her again, and look at her....It was not a dream...or a vision.  I know that God allowed her to come see me.  I had been begging him for months to just let me have a glimpse of her face now, of her wholeness, her healed...I have nightmares every night, of her dying over and over again...it is terrible...but now, God gave me a glimpse...and now, when those terrible thoughts and pictures of my child dying come to my mind, I push them away with the reality that I was with Calli's spirit person...my Daddy...he was so whole, and beaming, and smiling and happy.  God is real.  Heaven is real.  We are spirits living in bodies.  When our bodies die, we do not.  We meet Jesus.  But no one, and I mean no one will get to the Father, in heaven, without Jesus as their advocate, their covering.  Calli is in heaven because she loved Jesus and was not ashamed of Hid message, or His cross, and boasted not in her own strength or power, but in Jesus's.  My dad, a wretch, a drug addict most of his life, a prisoner ...by all means and many people's opinions should be in hell...but he is not- why?  He LOVED Jesus, he was never ashamed to speak truth about Jesus, even to his own hurt- he preached the gospel of Jesus Christ and was a fellow sufferer...My dad knew he was the utmost of sinner, but he admitted it, and knew he was destined for hell without Jesus- he begged Jesus to help him, and Jesus did.

I want back to work...and stayed there.  Thank you Jesus for helping me each day to get out bed.

It is rare that we smile, or laugh...Please pray hard for Aidan, and Mike and me.  Our hearts are so raw still, & we need help.  We need a hero to come and save us from all the destruction the enemy has planned and succeeded in...We are surrounded on all sides...each day is a struggle and a trial and we just need a break from the discord.  We are in therapy...a lot of therapy..and it is like chipping away at an ice burg with a toothpick.  Calli asked me to sing this song to her the night before her surgery....Please listen to it...it is our anthem now...

freefalling

 

Rain.

Rain falls down from Heaven...

Just like God's words fall from Heaven

In the Bible, it says that

God's words...

 don't go back up to Heaven...

Until they have accomplished 

what God sent them to do...

Calli was a word from Heaven.

 Aidan is a word from Heaven.

Ya know, when we fall on our faces before God,

sometimes we try and figure out what it is

we are supposed to do

to be

what our purpose is on this earth

we ask

and cry 

and beg for direction

for a word

for approval

acceptance

from God.

Maybe if we stop asking...

and let go

He will show us

and make us

what He wants us to be

Calli lived, not asking, just living.

Freely and fully Enjoying God 

and His creation...

learning and teaching,

She was life.

She was a word from Heaven.

A gift of life, given to us

for just a short time

such a short time

Calli completed her purpose here on earth...

so young...

sent back up to Heaven.

but still she lives...

her earthly body is gone

but the lessons she taught

the seeds that her life sowed

are ever present in our lives.

Our hearts are so broken 

so broken

and we do ask why...

we will never know on this side of Heaven

we are so confused

and we still love God

and we Trust Him....

but

where do we go from here?

How on earth do we recover?

 

Here we are on a skydive that we did not choose to jump.

We are free-falling through the sky 

through the clouds

we can barely see past the length of our own arms reach

we are scared to death

holding on to one another for our lives

and at the same time struggling, 

desperately tugging 

back and forth at one another

trying to hold on

trying to let go

reaching for the pull cord

 waiting for the parachute to open

blocked by grief

I have nothing to write...I just can't write right now.....call it a block...from grief, exhaustion.....  Here is a video of my sweet Calli and one of her best friends Christina- this was right before she got cancer...I can't stop watching this..........