Maryland

 Every year, for the last 7 years, We have taken our children to visit The Sonspot',

in Ocean City, Maryland.  

Our friends there...are family. 

For many years we would go down and stay for a few days 

or a few weeks and help the ministry there....

doing anything and everything from ...taking thousands of bumper stickers off of the Jesus Van, to painting benches, walls, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning out the food pantry, cutting and sorting bagels and donations from Panera, handing out meal tickets on the board walk, carrying the cross all the way down, preaching on milk crates, singing and dancing in the sand, cooking and serving for the food ministry to international students, locals and homeless people. If needed, we even dug sand heaps for the sand sculptures...

 Our kids have always loved helping and serving- 

receiving nothing in return...but a sure blessing from God.

A feeling inside that they were part of something that mattered grew in their hearts.

Each year at the end of July, we always go to their music and ministry festival,

 "Jesus At The Beach."  

Basically a bunch of people come during the day to the OC Convention center and worship the Lord. 

There is no agenda, or special speakers, or special performers or special music. 

You just come, some prepare songs or dances, and they get fit in ...on God's schedule. 

The people are humble, and love the Lord, and are so open to the spirit.  

There is a freedom there...and unleashing of sorts.... to sort things out. 

God works it out....and blesses all who are willing to accept the unexpected.

At night, we do the same thing on the beach.  

right in front of the boardwalk

the little ones play in the sand, 

You feel the ocean breezes on your skin as

the children dance freely and

the salty air fills your nostrils and lungs...

as people sing dance and freely worship  the Lord. 

the musicians never practice together

they are from several different states

the "band" has new members every night...

We have never missed it in 7 years. 

Even last year, 

while Calli was in the midst of her sickness 

and getting radiation and chemo treatments...

Somehow, we found a way to get there.

We rearranged for her to get radiation first thing in the morning, 

Then just Calli and I drove all the way down to Maryland for one day.  

It was so important to her to be with her friends 

and to do the song with her friends, 

that they had prepared for the people.  

She was determined not to miss it.

 This year- we were not sure if we wanted to go to Jesus At The Beach at all....

 It was so hard to think of her not being there.

Of us being there, her friends being there..doing dances and skits...without her...

I am pretty sure Mike was still deciding if he was going to go 

as we were driving down to Maryland, 

and even as we were pulling into the parking lot of our the apartment building :)

But we were there now, and after we were settled and went to Sonspot for a service and walked back home to the apartment, 

I looked up and saw this sign.

ONE WAY

There was no turning back.

We are on a One way street now.  

There is no Calli.

She is gone.

She will never be coming back.

We will never see her in this world again.

As we awoke the next morning...I began to see her absence....and it hurt

 I saw it in the beams on my Mama's head...

and in the tears in her eyes....

It was still there in the depths....

in the midst of laughter...

 

 It was in the sunsets....

And early morning coffee talks...

it was there...

as I walked to the bay...

and came upon this scene...

the song came to me

the one she used to sing when she was little..

I could see her sitting on the rock...

hair blowing gently in the breeze...

and I began to sing it out 

With all the heart I could manage...

"Down by the bay, where the water goes row..."

And then I heard her laughing at me...

correcting me...because I always got it wrong...

"... Mom! It's where the watermelons grow, not where the water goes row!"

and then I broke down

I see her absence it in the cotton ball clouds she loved...

it is there...where her bathing suit is missing

it is in the missing smiles

The whole week, 

her absence was a physical presence

I began to see her....

everywhere I looked....

I  began to see her..

as the girls danced...

as the kids played in the sand...

I saw visions of her sitting next to me .....

loving the ocean with her friends...

 playing cards in the convention center

 burying herself in the sand

 doing a dance with Monica and all the girls

 through the years...like flashbacks....memories, filling my mind

singing with Judd

and all of her friends...

reading the bible unabashedly to the world

sending them a message....

When we went to Assateague-

One of Calli's most treasured places...

It was majestic 

and beautiful

 We made some new friends

We met some old friends too

and had a good time until the sun set....

We felt surrounded..,.

just like this injured horse....

her friends

surrounded her

sheltered her

 until she was ready to get up again

 Even though he is giving me a dirty look- isn't he handsome?

 As I walked the beach....

I saw memories of Calli's footprints...

 warn deeply in the very same sands I was walking

The images burned in my heart forever....

In that moment

the sound of the ocean....

soothed my wandering soul

 As Aidan walked through each wave ...

 I saw her wading through the water....

 As Aidan splashed and surfed the waves with his body....

I saw her...my water baby

As I took the profile picture of Aidan....I always take...

 I knew I would not get to take one of her this year

 

She was so beautiful....

I am so sad that there will be no more memories made...

no more pictures taken..

no more songs to sing together...

I wanted to hear her sing more...

I wanted to laugh with her again...

and ride the waves with her...

and kiss her more on her plushy lips...

This was such a wonderful and terrible time.

Nothing in us wanted to be there in those moments...

without her...

but we were...

As we swam in the ocean...

We enjoyed it as she would have enjoyed it...

WHOLEHEARTEDLY

  

 We dug in the sand

  

and got sand in our pants...

we rode the waves with our bodies

and found shells

and we lived 

and we laughed

and we cried

 as the waves washed over me..

I heard the deep calling out to my deep...

I felt the pull of the waves

As the moon pulled them...

so many questions lingered

unanswered...

as the waves broke over my head, 

I ventured out deeper

and deeper

and just wanted to be lost in it all

In that moment, all I wanted

was to see My Calli again...

Fear left me

and I did not care if a shark got me

or a wave took me away to forever...

I was in a fathom more deeper and darker

than any submarine could ever reach...

and then I heard her calling ....

"Mom...."

but it was not her

it was Aidan

He swam out next to me

and silently

we tread

 the deep water 

together


As we got in the car to leave the island...
I got a little notebook out of my car I put in there a few months back...
and I found this poem,
Calli must have started to write....
about the sunshine