Friday, August 17, 2012


August 8
My Dad's birthday.
This was a hard day.
I woke up with a song in my heart.

Forever Young

We were going to go to music fest with my mom and brother and sister, 
but none of us really felt like driving up there.
Instead, we all went to Mama's house to just hang out.  
We "grilled and chilled," as my dad would always say. 
We sat and watched some olympics, 
listened to Bob Dylan and Van Morrison 
and ate good food and birthday cake and laughed together. 
There were moments I caught tears in the eyes of my family....
two were missing this time.
We played spoons (which none of them had ever heard of), 
it was a boisterous rip-roaring time-
it came down to Julie and me in the end- 
butt buddies, sisters who shared so much for so long....
the loudest(well maybe)... we do have the loudest laughs ;)
and ya know what- I love her so much
she beat me...

If you knew my dad, you knew he LOVED Bobby Dylan.  
No one understands it-
I mean only a few really understand why Bobby was so succesful..
He could not sing
People wondered why he made it...
Ya know why...
They weren't songs...
they were classic literature
poetry in motion...
Back to my dad-
When he heard a good song, 
a song he wanted you to hear... 
He would seriously get all into singing it and could not sing- just like Bobby right?
He would stand up and point his finger as he was singing...
and if you were not paying attention enough for him, 
he would turn it up louder, and then rewind it...
I grin so widely right now, 
I do the very same thing.  
I want to make sure that what is important to me, 
is important to you- to carry it on...
He wanted so much for me to hear 
and see 
and feel the emotion 
and messages that he "got" from the music.  
I do to.  

When my cousin Sandy got married this past May...
right after my dad had died, 
she played this song at her wedding- 
actually I think it was her first dance.  
I cried- a lot.  
I thought of my dad, 
I thought of my Calli- who was so sick then
-  This truly is the anthem of youth- 
and Calli was the epitomy of its message.


May god bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay, forever young
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

Calli became forever young.
Growing up, I had a favorite song by Alphaville called, "Forever Young."   
The first time I heard this song was at Staci's house
{here's a shout out to ya Staci now "y" M.  Love ya and always will } 
Man!  I was hooked- the synthesizer, the pop, the rock, the classical elements in it- 
the was my favorite song.  

Being like my father, I wanted to pass down my love of certain songs- 
to my children- 
songs that meant something to me...
so naturally ....
I played it over and over again 
for my Calli and my Aidan 
while they were growing. 
When I found Calli's journals after she died, 
I read a page entitled "Wedding Plans" 
this song was included in there....
I guess my message got across...


Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while.
Heaven can wait were only watching the skies.
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever.
We don't have the power but we never say never.
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip.
The music's for the sad men.

Can you imagine when this race is won.
Turn our golden faces into the sun.
Praising our leaders were getting in tune.
The musics played by the madmen.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever and ever.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever young.

Some are like water, some are like the heat.

Some are a melody and some are the beat.
Sooner or later they all will be gone.
Why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause.
I don't want to perish like a fading horse.
Youth is like diamonds in the sun.
And diamonds are forever.

So many adventures couldn't happen today.
So many songs we forgot to play.
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue.
We'll let them come true.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever and ever.
forever young

Here is the wonderful 80's video- I hope you laugh hard, I know Calli, Aidan and I did when we saw it :)

It was the theme song of every prom....she never knew that though
she only knew what I knew....
the music,
the words
did something....
struck a chord...
it is weird how words & moments can turn into an absolute crying mess for me
I just cried my heart out reading the words I just wrote.....
" prom..."
As we are going and moving through the motions and moments of life, 
each day...
we are reminded 
she is not here
it is so weird
and horrible
and terrificicly tradgic
for us...
for us....
she is forever young
every thing brings us back to that.
she is forever young
she is forever living wild and free
I have to remind myself over and over again
she is ok
God's love is better than Life
I don't get it or understand it
but I know 
that I know 
that I know 
that She is surrounded by God and His Love
and in little messages 
every now and then-
He sends me a moment
a butterfly
a flower
a song
a poem
a hidden a message of hers....
a reminder...
she is forever young
she is forever my sweets
she is forever free
she is forever surrounded by love
He loves me.
He weeps with me.
He Has is it all taken care of.
He is control- 
I can break down 
and let go 
and He will still love me
and fix me
and I don't need to know everything...
I just trust
I need not worry
I am struck down
but not destroyed


  1. Amen. I have often thought about that. I think of those I knew who left all too soon - they will be forever young while I grow older :)! I think of it watching old movies or hearing an old song by someone who is no longer here......those people will be forever young. Of course many of us (me) try to stay young with trips to "The fountain of youth" but no matter how often I go, the gray comes back & I have to go again. And again in five weeks. We have a friend who went blind later in life - he will always remember his wife as she was 11 years ago. When I was a very young wife and mother, a little girl died - she may have been five. I was beside myself. I hardly knew her or her family, but she was "so" young. And I can still see her angelic face. She had very dark curly hair and electric blue eyes and was always smiling. She looked like an angel in her little coffin. I was devastated I did not know Jesus and it didn't make any sense. That would have been about 48 years ago. This little girl would be in her fifties now. Who knows what trials she may have had to face. But she is Forever Young and waiting in heaven.

    None of the attempts we make to stay young really work. BUT, He is able. I know you will always mark special occasions with memories and celebrations of their lives. Those who died "too" soon will always be remembered as they were, but we will always wonder what they would have been. That is the way we are. On the other hand, those who passed when they were "old" should also be remembered. We know who they were but, we should "turn back the clock" of our memory. Those who were sick, are sick no more. Those who were old, are no longer old. I believe that Calli, Matt & Linda are reminiscing about you, all of you, and I think they had a pretty good time at the party! They are no longer sick or in pain. I don't think they remember pain or sickness. The bible says He will wash away our tears and we will remember no more.

    Maybe we can't be "Forever Young" now no matter how hard we try, but the day is coming when we will be. Nothing can take away the pain of your loss but the pain will change to joy when we see our loved ones and JESUS face to face. We can't wait - but we will. And though the pain will never go completely away, time will temper it with fond memories of the good times. God is amazing.

  2. The Alphaville version was our class song at graduation. I love you sissy girlie.

  3. Lois's comments are true.

    I miss my brother(s) so much now. It is surreal and I know that Aidan must feel the pain that I feel having lost my sibling, my childhood memory sharer, my corrector, friend and confidant.
    I grieve for my brother Mark, who is forever young and has been gone 32 years now! It still can seem like yesterday... so Matthew... is a fresh wound and I need time. More time.
    Calli, I saw her today in a butterfly that was orange and gold and flew right in my face and around my head, and I said Hi to her and smiled.
    They are all safe, sound, healed and full of joy.
    But the pain is still there. It will be, but as said above, it will be tempered with good memories and love.


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