Sunday, July 22, 2012

no where to be found

It is impossible, 
I think, 
for me to write a short blog.
I mean... really impossible, 
so please bear with me.

All of the thoughts in my brain and in my heart and in my soul....
they interweave…into this weird and chaotic tapestry of.....
colors and emotions and hard to describe and put on paper...rather on screen....
I am not to share them all with you...
but how do I separate them?  
how do I pick one thought, or thing to talk about?
I have been journaling a lot lately, 
I have not done that in a long time.

Calli inspired me to start again. 

The last few weeks...
wow it has been weeks...
18 days to be exact....
The last few weeks, I have been reading her journals.

She did not complain once about her lot-
not once- 
not even in her hidden journals.
I have read of dreams, a lot of them, 
real dreams the Lord gave her..
in them she was getting married, 
over and over and over again.....
I read of hopes....and normal stuff, 
like her first kiss and who she would want it with...
and hopes to travel the world...
and dig for lost treasures...
I read of spirit dreams....
to reach the lost with a message of HOPE....
to get married someday, 
and have the feeling of a baby growing in her belly.

That got me thinking....
 of when she grew beneath my heart...
in my belly.  
I got pregnant when I was 18.  
I was not married.
I was in love with a young man...
a hero to me...
I fell in love with his family, 
his gentle father, and wise mother....
I fell in love with this child in my womb...
a part of him, them, a part of me and mine.

As I sat on the toilet that September morning,
 and read the results of that dipstick, 
I cried with JOY...utter amazement, and HOPE.  
In that moment...
there was no fear, or tears of disappointment, 
there was not regrets or worry...
Only pure JOY and LOVE and HOPE filled my heart 
for this itty bitty baby in my belly.  
In that moment, I wrote her a letter 
and told her how happy I was that she came into my life...
how I would never ever regret having her, 
or choosing LIFE for her.

Pregnancy was so wonderful, 
and so physically painful at the same time.
I was so sick those first few months, and ended up getting so ill, that I needed to be hospitalized.  
A doctor told me that I would lose the baby, 
if I kept working where I was working...
so i quit my job..for her.

Mike came to each and every single appointment with me.  
The first time we heard her heart beating...
oh those emotions, those feelings of belonging...
of oneness...
there is no way to describe them.  
The first time we saw her little body on the sonogram 
and heard she was a girl....our own little girl, 
to love and cherish....was so deep

When it was time for her to come, she was so late, and I was waiting and waiting and waiting for the birthing process to start- 
no inductions back then....and I am glad- 
Because Calli never did anything  
unless it was on her own terms anyway...
 unexpectedly, a trickle and gush came down my leg...
she was coming!  

Back then we used pagers- 
and Mike did not answer his pager, 
so my sis-in-law Lori drove me to the hospital, 
and I wondered if Mike would make it at all...
we actually passed him on the way to the hospital- 
going the wrong way on Rt. 309
He finally made it, and tried to help, 
but couldn't do much at all but watch :)
and then my Aunt Alison came with her girls 
to encourage me...
to tell me to keep moving, keep walking...
keep going on...
it would happen soon and make it easier, if I just keep walking.  

I did not want to hear it at the time- 
IT was painful.  
So utterly painful, 
I thought I would die.  
But she was right.  
Walking, moving...opened up my womb.  
I took no drugs, 
I wanted to feel every pain, 
every contraction, 
every movement 
and push and pull of her life 
emerging into mine!  
I did not scream or howl, 
I focused every single ounce of energy 
into pushing my little girl out and into my life.

What a glorious and horrible moment at the same time!  
Oh my!  She came out in only 15 minutes of pushing, 
and she emerged screaming and letting her voice be heard....
she was different from the very beginning...
 I was going to raise her differently than I was raised...
I yearned to give her a voice, 
to give her HOPE and to let her, 
unhindered, to let her use her voice to teach me 
and the rest of the world.....

These last few weeks have been a like a birthing process of sorts. 
With birth there is sickness, and pain, 
and advice you don't want to hear, 
and there is a hope for new life 
and there is a hurt that must come if you want that life
and sometimes you feel as if you would die....

there is a process, a cycle, much the same as birth..
but it is a death process...
that is not a technical term, or from some book....
it is just my term.

There are stages in death and grieving, 
just like there are trimesters in pregnancy and birthing.
Each one, for each parent, each mother, each child is different.
I just have to keep walking through it....

I found your drawer of lip glosses, and I cried.....
you are everywhere I look, in everything in this house...
In the pictures on the walls, in my mind...
In your blanket that I smell each night....
I the shirt you died in that I cannot bear to wash....
so I just tucked it away in one of your special boxes...
you are in your books on the shelf, 
maybe I will read them all this year...but there are so many
you are in the smells in the air, 
the clouds you love,
the sunshine
the rain,
the sweet grass and flowers
I use your body wash and shampoo just to smell you
you are in the lotions....and perfumes that you did not want me to use...
but I cannot bear not to smell them, to smell you...
you are in the leaves that rustle and dance in the wind
you are in the chimes on the porch
you are in all the butterflies and birds 
that flitter and talk and sing to me...
you are in the dew.. fresh on the morning grass, wetting my feet....
letting me know it is a another day I have to get through 
without you
you are in the heart rock on the trail that I found...
I see you in your bed where poor Butchy relentlessly looks for you...never ceasing
I see you in Shaya......who lets me pet her... now that you are gone
I see you when I lay in your bed each morning...
where I can feel you 
and smell you, 
I see you suffering...and smiling, 
and I feel you curling my hair in your fingers...
 like you always would do to comfort yourself...
did you know you were comforting me? 
I see you laying there...stroking my head and 
telling me it is gonna be ok......
you are in the music on my phone
in the car
in the wash
in the closet
in the letters in my drawer
in the Queen Anne's lace along the road- 
one of your favorites sweets...and it is everywhere I look...
I see you in the thistle and I think of Scotland....
of pain...of joy
I cannot bear to look at your friends
or to be around them anymore.....
you are their eyes, in their hugs, 
in their youthfulness and purity and vigor
You are everywhere....

but no where to be found

I felt very lost this week
I felt very angry 
and sad 
and betrayed 
and utterly utterly empty.
I don't understand everything that happens in this world...
I don't understand heaven completely either...
I ask God to help me get through
I know I will never know fully....
until my ending
Will it be as beautiful as Calli's?
Will I smell as sweet as she did
at her end?

all my questions and wondering and wandering....
 make me just want to it all to be over 
and for the Lord to come quickly and take me there 
and see Him and ask Him all my stupid questions.
And see my Calli....

People try and help and ya know what?  
NOTHING helps.  
I feel bad for people trying to encourage us with songs and scriptures and their own words trying to explain it all away...
 I kind of had a melt down when someone tried in their futility to help explain and defend God's word...why this happens....
but none of it makes sense....
at all...
and I said it was all "crap..."

In that moment of despair,
I really felt that way.

But the truth is.....
we don't know crap.  
We only know a little...
very little-
in part
a section
not the whole...
that is what the Bible says.

We will only know fully, completely and wholly...
 if and when we get to Heaven....
You cannot please God without faith
The just live by faith 
So we are to blindly and openly allow this thing to gut us.... 
to break us into bitty pieces
and lay ourselves wide open to be eaten by the vultures 
and be burnt ...and trust....
trust that God 
that God will put the pieces all together in the end.
Yes Lord.
I was real and honest and melted under the inferno ...
burning away my insides 
I was angry...
at God..I am not sure...
I don't even know- 
maybe it will work out of me by the end of this entry...

I am a child...
 a child gets angry with their parents sometimes...
when they don't understand things..
so I guess I am angry at the situation...
I would not be normal if I wasn't.  
My baby is gone.
Last night, while looking at the sky full of stars...
a little friend asked me if Calli lived on a star...
I don't know.
I don't even know where heaven is

As Christians, we grieve differently...
with a meet again
but we still grieve.
We still grieve.

Jesus grieved.
When Jesus' friend Lazarus was sick- 
to the point of death, 
Mary and Martha- Lazarus' sisters sent for Jesus, their dear friend to come and heal him quickly, but Jesus said,
"Lazarus's sickness will not end in death.
No, it happened for the glory of God, so that the Son of God will receive glory from this."
 So Jesus stayed where He was, 
and did not rush there to heal Lazarus.
  This was his close friend....
Mary and Martha were precious to Him.
And he did not go.

And Lazarus died.

Mary and Martha were grieving so much over the loss of their brother, 
when Jesus finally came to town..

Martha came to him right away, 
as soon as she knew he was in town...
she ran to him crying and grieving, and said,
 "If you were here, my brother would not have died..."  
She was angry with Him, upset, maybe a little bit disappointed in her friend- who told her- 
"This sickness is not unto death."  
Even so, after that, she said in her desperation...
"Even so Lord, I KNOW whatever you ask of your Father in Heaven, He will give to You."  

So what was she saying....
she still believed in Him, as the Son of God....
that He could ask anything and receive it....
maybe she was mad ....
knowing He could have asked for healing for Lazarus 
and did not .....and that He was not even there... 
maybe she was torn in two pieces, 
one in anger that Jesus was not there to keep from dying...
and one half of her knew the Love and depth and awesomeness and power of God...
Part of me thinks she felt rejected...
but still she worshipped God,
and told Him he could do anything.

Then there was Mary.  
She stayed in the house when He came. 
She did not go running to Jesus when he came....
He had to call for her...then she went to Him
And she fell at his feet,
and I know she was crying and grieving and said, 
" Lord if you were here, my brother would not be dead!"
She was angry, hurt, upset, rejected.
She did not reply with words like Martha did.
Just one stinging remark.
And then she wept and wailed 
and all the others wailed with her and 
“When Jesus saw her weeping, and saw the others wailing with her, a deep sadness and anger welled up within Him, and he was deeply troubled and moved.”
Then, "Jesus wept."  

Shortest verse in the Bible- 

Why did He weep?  
and HE WEPT. 
The Bible goes on to say that he was "deeply moved" in His spirit- it says it more than once.

Many people have their theories...their interpretations...
some will tell you  that Jesus wept, because He was sad that they did not believe in Him enough....
some say it was because of their unbelief...
some because He was sad for Mary and Martha to be mad at Him, some because He was sad his friend died. 
Why did Jesus weep? 

v. wept (w pt), weep•ing, weeps
1. To shed (tears) as an expression of emotion: 
2. To express grief or anguish for; lament: 
3. To bring to a specified condition by weeping: 
4. To exude or let fall drops of liquid 
1. To express emotion, such as grief or sadness, by shedding tears. 
2. To mourn or grieve: 
3. To emit or run with drops of liquid: 

Why did Jesus weep?

Mary and Martha had a special place in His heart
the Bible says that he loved them deeply.  
I think, that If I loved someone deeply, 
and they come to me upset and grieving and crying, 
saying I let them down..
I lied...
I said things I shouldn't.....
I was not there for them...
I would cry too.  
I would be upset with myself, 
I would be grieved for them.

Don't get me wrong, 
I am NOT saying that Jesus lied, 
or that He said something he should not have, 
or that He let them down...
but ....

in their eyes...
He did.

I think this made Him sad.
John says that He groaned in the spirit and was greatly troubled, and then he wept again.
But why?
He was God.
He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead later on....
so why grieve?  
Why be moved to weep?
I think partly, because Lazarus was dead...but I think he was grieving.... not for Himself, or his own loss, 
because He knew He would bring him back...
but it was deeper.....  
he was grieving for His beloved friends...his daughters...
for their sorrow and suffering, 
and sadness and for their anger...
that they thought He let them down.  
He groaned and grieved in the spirit.

Sometimes, when I am aching inside 
and praying and groaning in the spirit, 
it is not for myself, 
or for my own problems, 
but for the aches and pains of others...

a groan of God, 
an intercession for the hearts and hurts of others.

At Calli's service...
a deep groaning and pain came forth from my spirit, 
a groaning of God- too deep for my own words
it came in another language
one that I did not know or even understand
as much as I tried to quiet it and hold it back...
I could not contain it....
The waves of pain and grief and sorrow flooded me...
but they were not my own pains 
or even my own tears...
they were not for Calli
They were for you.
God was calling to you, 
and you were angry and sad and mad, 
just like Mary, but you did not come to Him.
You did not forgive others.
You did not let it all go
He is Abba, Father, Friend, Saviour.....

At the death of Lazarus, his own beloved friend.....
He was groaning and crying an intercessory groan of God 
for His beloved friends and children.
Remember He was God...
but He was also a man.
A man with emotions and pains and hurts 
and much sufferings and groanings.
He was sad for his friends.

He weeps with those who weep

We have had several people, friends, family.... 
tell us that Calli's sickness, was not going to be unto death...
just like Lazarus, and that she would live!  
That there would be no physical death for her.
I was angry at them this week.  
The people who told me it was not God's will for Calli to die.
I told me that.
And the questions come again and again...
But we all die don't we?
Does God not number our days?
He is the provider of life and he not?
I am not going to pretend that I know the answers..
I don't know anything right now.

I guess I was also angry at Jesus, 
like Mary, like Martha.....
I am sorry Lord...
but I felt let down.
I prayed and sang to You 
for almost an hour after she took her last breath... 
I thanked you that she was alive and I told her to get up, 
to come take a bike ride with me...
I told her to wake up.....
Even as they threw the dirt on her grave, 
I waited to hear her knocking on the lid of the casket 
for us to let her out....
I believed with all my heart, strength, soul and mind 
that she would live.
I never gave up HOPE, even unto the end.
It was not my flesh or natural self believing, 
It was the God-faith that You gave me, 
that sustained me for over a year....
I believed that even a shadow of one of the little children 
there could have healed her....

So, yes, Lord, 
Jesus, my Friend, my Father....
I was angry at you.
I am sorry.
So, I give you permission right now....
to take my disappointment ...
my tears...
my confusion...
my sorrow....
and fill me with Joy once again......

This story... really spoke so much to me.  
I am so affected by the Bible, 
and learn so much from the stories...this story in particular.  
Honestly, I have been crying a lot and...
I wanted to know again, why Jesus wept.  
I don't need to read a concordance or a study guide...
I just need to sit and clear my mind, 
and meditate and read it and ask...
yes ask
for clarity 
and believe every word of it...
even if it might not make all that much sense to me...
and there are many unanswered questions 
I will always have about it.....
but that is where Faith must come in and take over my doubt, 
and my human desires to know why....
I have to believe that I am as beloved as Mary and Martha, 

and as Beloved Calli
and I just have to let go and 
learn from Calli, 
my hero, 
my precious sweet child
she is an example of running the race that was set before her...
She never faultered, or looked back,
she embraced this life, 
this lot thrown at her...
She finished well
She is a true hero of the Faith
she was ripped open and torn apart
and gutted and burnt, and poisoned
she withered away physically, 
and watched herself while fully aware...
day by day
lose all functions and feeling
of her toes 
then her legs 
then her bowels 
and her bladder 
and never complained
and then it was her fingers
and then her hands
and her arms that would not move 
and finally in her last days she lost her sight, 
her ability to eat, communicate
and she never once complained or freaked out
she could not see....
but she had perfect sight
and she never lost her faith
never lost HOPE
never lost trust
that she would LIVE....

John 11: 25 Jesus said to her(Martha), 
I am the resurrection and the life. 
He who believes in Me, 
though he may die, 
he shall live. 
26 And whoever lives 
and believes in Me 
shall never die. 
Do you believe this?”

I believe it.
Calli is alive

She is alive
God is not a liar.


  1. ....I read every word.
    Nothing I want to write seems right so I'll just end by saying thank you for sharing your heart.
    Hope to see you soon....

  2. Love you Lucy. God is our strength when we are weak. He will uphold you through this dark valley of your lives. If Calli could wipe away your tears she would. The most painful part of her Journey was the pain you all felt and will continue to feel. God doesn't remove the obstacles in our lives, He goes through them with us. Love you so much. I had a great time with Aidan last night and I'm looking forward to the next time - hopefully sooner than later <3 <3 <3

  3. I am so truly sorry for your loss. I wish I had words that would bring you comfort during this time. I do think it is good that you are not keeping your feelings bottled up inside. I hope you continue to share your thoughts and feelings. I have been praying for you and the entire family.

  4. Thank you for sharing your family's journey of faith.

  5. Hi Lucy, it's me again!! After I wrote the last comment, I realized I didn't put my name isn't that just like me to do something like that!! In case you didn't know, it's just your old Aunt Terri!! Love you!!!

  6. Thank you for sharing your Calli. And your braveness. And her love. ... I also lost a daughter. As others read this, there are no words. There. Are. No. Words. Sitting in silence with a hug was better than any "explanation" Of why this happened. There. Are. No. Words. You cannot put feeble letters together from an alphabet, to convey the utter emptiness and rawness, and pain that is so deep, that just opening your eyes in the morning without them feels like you will die. There. Are. No. Words.

  7. Thank you for sharing this. Your love and Calli's braveness. I also lost a daughter. To everyone reading this who hasn't: There. Are. No. Words. No way to put together letters from a feeble alphabet that would ever convey that pain. There. Are. No. Words.

  8. Lucy you don't know me. I worked with Calli's grandpop Mark Derstine (everyone loved him) about 15 years ago and went to school with Terri.
    I have read your blog and journey. I lost two best friens with cancer in the brain and I prayed hard that Calli would live.
    There are no words to comfort you. I am so sorry. Your blog will touch many that don't have the faith that keeps you going. You have an amazing family. You are all such a blessing!

  9. Lucy you are an awesome woman. I admire your faith and love for God. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I am sorry for your loss and I cannot begin to imagine how you and your family feel. I will continue to pray for you guys and this is selfish of me but please don't stop writing. You are helping so many people like me in their own walk.

  10. I think of you guys every day and pray often. I wish there were words!

  11. Lucy...
    Just wanted to let you know it is ok to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. It is normal to feel these things. It doesnt make you a bad person or mean you dont believe. I have gone through all these emotions with the loss of my precious mother to cancer. Keep walking thru and praying to God. Calli is with you and stay intune and you will feel her presence. My mother sends me beautiful red cardinals as I love birds and her favorite color is red.I always seem to see them when I need that love & support & when Im missing her so. I pray for you everyday and with time it will get easier and you will learn to accept it. Unfortunately you will always have a hole in your heart though. I hope you keep writing as I enjoy reading and I cry with you. Hugs

  12. Oh Lucy.
    I don't know how you are going on. I truly don't.
    I mean, I know you have Jesus and His strength, but it seems as though even that would not be enough. I am praying for you. Every day we pray. Sending all the love we can muster. Becky

  13. Simply thank you. Thank you for your gut wrenching honesty. Thank you for taking us with you. Thank you for pointing us to our Abba. Thank you for never giving up. Praying for you.


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