FOREVER YOUNG

August 8

My Dad's birthday.

This was a hard day.

I woke up with a song in my heart.

Forever Young

We were going to go to music fest with my mom and brother and sister, 

but none of us really felt like driving up there.

Instead, we all went to Mama's house to just hang out.  

We "grilled and chilled," as my dad would always say. 

We sat and watched some olympics, 

listened to Bob Dylan and Van Morrison 

and ate good food and birthday cake and laughed together. 

There were moments I caught tears in the eyes of my family....

two were missing this time.

We played spoons (which none of them had ever heard of), 

it was a boisterous rip-roaring time-

OYE!

it came down to Julie and me in the end- 

butt buddies, sisters who shared so much for so long....

the loudest(well maybe)... we do have the loudest laughs ;)

and ya know what- I love her so much

she beat me...

If you knew my dad, you knew he LOVED Bobby Dylan.  

No one understands it-

I mean only a few really understand why Bobby was so succesful..

He could not sing

OYE!

People wondered why he made it...

Ya know why...

They weren't songs...

they were classic literature

anthems

poetry in motion...

Back to my dad-

When he heard a good song, 

a song he wanted you to hear... 

He would seriously get all into singing it and could not sing- just like Bobby right?

He would stand up and point his finger as he was singing...

and if you were not paying attention enough for him, 

he would turn it up louder, and then rewind it...

I grin so widely right now, 

I do the very same thing.  

I want to make sure that what is important to me, 

is important to you- to carry it on...

He wanted so much for me to hear 

and see 

and feel the emotion 

and messages that he "got" from the music.  

I do to.  

When my cousin Sandy got married this past May...

right after my dad had died, 

she played this song at her wedding- 

actually I think it was her first dance.  

I cried- a lot.  

I thought of my dad, 

I thought of my Calli- who was so sick then

-  This truly is the anthem of youth- 

and Calli was the epitomy of its message.

FOREVER YOUNG

BOB DYLAN 

May god bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay, forever young
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

Calli became forever young.

Growing up, I had a favorite song by Alphaville called, "Forever Young."   

The first time I heard this song was at Staci's house

{here's a shout out to ya Staci now "y" M.  Love ya and always will } 

Man!  I was hooked- the synthesizer, the pop, the rock, the classical elements in it- 

the lyrics...it was my favorite song.  

Being like my father, I wanted to pass down my love of certain songs- 

to my children- 

songs that meant something to me...

so naturally ....

I played it over and over again 

for my Calli and my Aidan 

while they were growing. 

When I found Calli's journals after she died, 

I read a page entitled "Wedding Plans" 

this song was included in there....

I guess my message got across...

FOREVER YOUNG

BY ALPHAVILLE

Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while.
Heaven can wait were only watching the skies.
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever.
We don't have the power but we never say never.
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip.
The music's for the sad men.

Can you imagine when this race is won.
Turn our golden faces into the sun.
Praising our leaders were getting in tune.
The musics played by the madmen.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever and ever.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever young.

Some are like water, some are like the heat.
Some are a melody and some are the beat.
Sooner or later they all will be gone.
Why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause.
I don't want to perish like a fading horse.
Youth is like diamonds in the sun.
And diamonds are forever.

So many adventures couldn't happen today.
So many songs we forgot to play.
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue.
We'll let them come true.

Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever? forever and ever.
forever young

Here is the wonderful 80's video- I hope you laugh hard, I know Calli, Aidan and I did when we saw it :)

It was the theme song of every prom....she never knew that though

she only knew what I knew....

the music,

the words

did something....

struck a chord...

it is weird how words & moments can turn into an absolute crying mess for me

I just cried my heart out reading the words I just wrote.....

" prom..."

and

"wedding"

As we are going and moving through the motions and moments of life, 

each day...

we are reminded 

she is not here

it is so weird

and horrible

and terrificicly tradgic

for us...

for us....

she is forever young

every thing brings us back to that.

she is forever young

she is forever living wild and free

I have to remind myself over and over again

she is ok

God's love is better than Life

I don't get it or understand it

but I know 

that I know 

that I know 

that She is surrounded by God and His Love

and in little messages 

every now and then-

He sends me a moment

a butterfly

a flower

a song

a poem

a hidden a message of hers....

a reminder...

she is forever young

she is forever my sweets

she is forever free

she is forever surrounded by love

and

He loves me.

He weeps with me.

He Has is it all taken care of.

He is control- 

I can break down 

and let go 

and He will still love me

and fix me

and I don't need to know everything...

I just trust

I need not worry

I am struck down

but not destroyed

THERAPY....

MOO

Did you know that there is a cow appreciation day at Chik Fil A?  

Well there is.  

If you dress up like a cow- you get a free meal.  

One of my best friends Tina is super crafty and encouraged me to come with her and Nea and all of their wonderful children.  

I was not so sure I could rig up a cow outfit in less than 24 hours- 3 days after I buried my daughter....but somehow I did-

do you like our herd?  

ha ha lol

it was really fun.....until...

well until it hit me...

someone was missing :(

In that moment..I was chewing my sandwich and I just started to cry.

All I had to do was look at Tina and Nea, and they knew.

....and they cried too.

I sniffled and snotted and I did not care- 

nothing is the same without her...

all our happy moments have sadness in the midst of them

 RED BELT!
We are so very proud of our Aidan.  He has earned a red belt now, and the only belt left is BLACK!  He has one more stripe to earn- a black stripe and that will take about 3 more months.  Then if he tests and gets his black stripe that means he is ready to go through a series of 6 months of evaluations and mentoring and more evaluations etc..before they will even consider him ready to test for his black belt.  It is exciting and we are so thrilled with Aidan's determination and very proud of the perseverance he has shown through out this last year to earn so many belts.
It is a therapy to him.
 

IT WAS SO HOT the night of the test,- there is NO a/c in the dojang and there were SO many kids testing- which made the test potentially long- but Master Cashatt did a superb job of moving quickly and efficiently through the testers.  We are so thankful that some of our family and friends came to support Aidan- I think we had the biggest group- lol

YAY AIDAN!!!!

 THERAPY

Everyone keeps asking how Aidan is.

His sister died. 

He watched her die.

His grandfather died.  

His grandmother died.

All in less than 4 months.

He is sad and mad and happy and quiet 

and loud and crazy and sane 

and just about everything in-between.

He does not want to talk about it with anyone, 

and feels bad inside when people bring it up.

We know you all mean well...

 but could you please stop asking.

Just pray for him

send blessings 

and love 

and encouragement his way

No words you or I could ever ever ever say 

will make him feel better 

or normal 

or eased right now...

The art therapist has still been coming to sit and talk with Aidan and do art and talk alone.  He has been painting and sketching, and doing mosaics and making a memory box.  He has been really taking his time to make some meaningful pieces..pieces that remind him of his sister...

This last month.... 

has been very hard and weird and we all feel like we are in the twilight zone.  

Someone is missing from our every day 

from our every minute.

Each of us is coping differently.  

Each morning for about three weeks, I crawled into Calli's bed 

and smelled her there, 

I cried 

and prayed 

and just sat quietly- 

soaking in the silence.

feeling her

seeing her

hearing her

This made no sense to Aidan, 

and made Mike cry

but I had to

it it is therapy to me

Now they sometimes join me....

Like the other night...

 it was thundering 

I was in her bed

and I was reading...

comforted in her covers

on her pillows

in the dark of twilight

Aidan came in 

and joined me

in silence

Mike will come in at times

and just sit with me

and then we cry

we cry a lot

 feeling every single raw emotion 

feeling every moment...

without her

I have been sketching and journaling a lot too..... I did a glass mosaic as well- it feels good to create and pour my heart and hands into something

 I have been busy planting the bushes that Calli herself picked out 

right before she died....

 a Tinkerbell lilac.....it will look wonderful in the spring

 a butterfly bush

wisteria and two bloomerang lilac bushes

I also planted a weeping River birch tree in memory of my dad

 right next to the weeping cherry that we had planted 7 years ago 

in memory of Mike's dad.

When I took Calli to the nursery, she wanted to plant a white dogwood tree- 

she remembered them for our time living in Perkasie.  

We had one in the back yard she used to climb.  

I never got the tree..

So, the other day...

I came home and there on my doorstep 

was a white dogwood tree from my best friends from high school

Thank you girls- it means so much 

So I will plant that in memory of Calli.

I am still looking for a "Snowball" tree as Mike's mom called it.  

Calli wanted to plant one in memory of Grandmom.

 I finally planted the rose bushes that were given to Calli :)

It is very therapeutic to get all hot and sweaty and dig 

and feel the earth in your hands and under your feet....

to feel the heat scorching your back and smell the smells of summer.

Mike and Aidan are different, which is really good...

but it is so hard not having Calli in this house

she balanced us out....

she was the voice of wisdom 

and reason 

and calm 

and love 

and strength.

I found this note a few days after she died....

it was in a prayer journal that someone gave her.  

She kissed it.  

She kissed me

She wuvs me 

I wuv you too my sweets!!!

 I loved it so much, that I framed it 

the other picture is of her on LOCH LOMON in Scotland 

I kiss her kiss every single day

 I also had an artist on etsy make it into a bracelet for me :) 

when no one is home....

I call her name out loud...

I call her, and wait for her answer...

and I think I hear her, the way she used to always answer me back...

but truly silence surrounds me...

and I melt

I beat at the silence 

and scream at the top of my lungs 

as loud as I can.

I wail and weep 

and somehow my broken heart...

finds a place there..

in the silence, 

in the screaming...

in the horrible ... lonely feeling I have inside 

 On August 4...

one month later...

I woke with a heavy heart...

I knew I had to go outside and be outside in the sunshine...

so I took my camera and my journal 

and started my therapy session with God and His creation...

 and a little butterfly flew by my head.......

and landed on the pavement...

and then it landed here ....amazing

 Calli's cosmos are all over the yard

 the birds plant the sunflowers every year

 my favorite

 God planted all of the Queen Anne's lace in my yard...it has never grown here before....the week Calli died...it all bloomed

 the weed that I would not let my mom pick...I knew it would flower...and it did :)

 the lambs ear...one of Calli's favorite- magically appeared in my flower bed this year- I never planted it- how do you explain that?

 the squashes that come back every year on their own

 Aidan's tadpoles from Peace Valley are now frogs :) cute little buggers

 Look!  Even Calli's cosmos grew IN the tadpole terrarium...amazing

 

 I had to go for a drive...

I knew where I was going..

had not been there since July 10...

on my way, I saw the most beautiful field of Queen Anne's Lace

 I stopped and soaked in the sweet smell
picked as many as I could manage....
and went my way

As I was driving, I could see purple and yellow from far away 

as I came upon another field I knew I must stop.... 

another field full of all thistles and mustard ....

 the last field came into view.....

 much better now......mommy fixed it for you my sweets....

 just as I finished..it started to rain

 heaven was weeping with me....

 I love the rain.....

 

 the grave right behind her...

the one with the butterfly...

the butterfly she put there on March 6... 

is Mike's mom and dad's grave.
His mom's still covered in dirt...

Calli's earthly body is buried at their feet.

That day, I sat and I cried, and I talked to God 

and I talked to Calli 

and I tried with my human brain to understand what I can't

So, I wept in the rain.

As Heaven cried on me...

I wrote and drew in my journal, 

As I looked at the precious wildflowers, 

those weeds that lay on her grave...

I never wanted them to wither or die....

I didn't want dirt to be there

I wanted the flowers to live forever there...

and I asked God to let these seeds take root.  

so often we think weeds need to be destroyed 

and pulled out right away...

we think they are just weeds...

but if we wait...

they might just turn into beautiful flowers....

I asked God to turn all my weeds into wildflowers.....