Friday, September 29, 2017

God, I am very upset with you right now.  I still don't understand why all of this has happened to our family.  I miss Calli so much, and I feel like so much has been stolen from us.   I miss Aidan, God please help him.  Please God, help him to heal and stay alive and protect him from harm. 

Calli, I miss your sweet voice, and your smile,and your tears.  I miss your writing and your hands and I miss your gentle corrections and big laughs.  It's really hard to believe it has been 5 years...I am still in shock.  Prolonged grief and PTSD they call it.  I call it hell.  I try to move forward, and I have...I have learned so much and I paint and I draw and I try to express it all through art, but I am not very's just an outlet really...I miss painting wth you,and I miss reading with you and I miss learning with you.  All the kids in my clases are your age Calli.  I look at them and I see the potential of what you could have had but it has all been stolen.   Yeah I guess I have a bad attitue, woe is me woe is you people say....well their kid hasn't died right?

I try to turn the frown upside down and think happy thoughts and meditate and pray and practice calm and mindfulness and all that schtuff...but there are days like today, where it is unbearable and very very lonely and sad.

I have tried to help Aidan...At first I did not know how to help him, how to be there for him...everyone judged us and labeled us and it was very hard...but we are pushing through, but Calli, he is missing you so very much and that is the broken link, so many broken links.....he needs you to forgive him, he needs to forgive himself. 

Gosh I miss talking to you.  You were my best friend, and maybe that was wrong but I don't care.  Daddy cried so much the other night.  I haven't seen him cry like that since you died.  He was just walking out of the bathroom and he let himself gaze at the picture he has ignored for 5 years, and  your eyes met his.  He was so sad and inconsolable.  He loved you so much even though he did not always know how to show you.  You were balance and peace, and that was too heavy of a burden to bear.  I am so sorry Calli.  We love you and we love Aidan and we did the best we could with what we had at the time,and we are trying so hard to learn how to be loving good parents for Aidan.  It is hard to know what he needs.

Many have told us how awful we were and are as parents, as humans....... we have failed, but we keep trying, love covers a multitude of sins.  Cali will you please forgive us for the times we weren't as godly and loving as we should have been. 

God gave you so many gifts, and what now you are dead, and gone and it is still hard, for ALL OF US. Aidan misses you so much, little by little he is letting himself feel the pain of saying your name out loud...It took him 2 years to talk about you...slowly he is letting himself feel you, but he is scared and he is lonely, he is so very lonely Calli.

I don't even know why I am typing this, I am just having a very sad night and not doing my homework, I cannot even focus, the pain is too heavy right now so maybe the universe will get this to you...Maybe Jesus will hug you for me, but I am very mad at Him...I am so sad and feel so very lost right now.  I love you so much Calli, please watch over your brother, he is so lonely and puts himself in so much danger...he is alone, all he has is God right now...please ask Jesus to give him a break, he needs a break, please God, we all need a break.

I wuv you Towy Mae...


1 comment:

  1. Praying for you, Lucy...for you and your family...please don't give up the Faith


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