This is one of those weeks...
where all seems against us.
where looking forward hurts
as much as looking back
where time stands still
and silent
and we are frozen...
but the world keeps moving
and holly jollying
and giving their thanks....
when we are still looking for a reason
to smile
amidst all the tinsel
and twaddle,
the spending and glitzing and
and self-indulgent crap,
we are frozen
incapable of digesting it all...
choking
we have unpredictable and random emotions
Little things set us off...
Like when I wore that nail polish...
that grayish-purple nail polish
Aidan was acting so mean
and weird to me one day...
Finally he confessed-
it was all about the nail polish
he wanted to throw up just looking at it-
He cried as he said,
"Mom, don't ever
wear that color again,
I held her hand mom,
I held her hand."
That is when I realized...
that was the last color I painted
on her long, beautiful fingers,
that was the color she was wearing
when she died in my arms,
and in his hands...
I can't handle walking through target,
all the tinsel and trim
I cry through the aisles
I can't watch the holiday films
or hear Christmas music
or even hear the piano play...
when I feel the cold December winds coming...
All I can think about is that
she LOVED winter, and snow
and Christmas
and the smell of a real tree
and the lights on the houses
the candy cane in her cocoa
eating snow
making presents.....
it all
breaks my heart into
a trillion pieces
all over again
Mike doesn't talk much
or express much,
but he broke down over an extra piece of chicken,
and he will start crying randomly,
and we don't know the trigger was,
but we know why.
there are so many triggers...
We are all raw over here
amputated
oozing
without a vital limb...
We are doubting,
We are abnormally normal.
At least that is what the professionals are telling us
We have not lost our faith....
but doubts still come
Just as David said in the Psalms
"My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from
the words of my groaning?" (22:1).
and like Job:
"Remember, O God, that my life is but a
breath;
my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7).
Just as those saints of old,
who we read about...
and who we look to
as our examples...
We see, that just as they were then...
we are now
Not denying God, or his power,
filled with both faith and terrible grief
and sometimes doubt
we aren't functioning properly
and are hanging on by threads
people keep saying...
each day will get better
time heals all wounds...
but it seems...
that each day gets worse
No amount of work
or crafts
or volunteering
or time together
will ever make us feel better about
Calli's body dying
and how horribly she suffered
Each day, it seems,
the very ones that are supposed
to wall around us as protection when we are hurting....
and help us heal
be a support for us...
are the very ones
that are
ignoring us
avoiding us
misunderstanding us
taking offense
accusing
stabbing us
talking about us
calling us names
Mike, Aidan and I...
right now...
we don't have much to give to each other...
let alone to anyone else...
So we apologize for not meeting your expectations
and for holding too high expectations
for you...
We can't see past our emotions,
We can't see past our great loss
We are blind
groping the walls
seeking light
life
the way out
reaching and begging and pleading
for help
for salvation....
from this lot.
But God thought us worthy of this lot
so we bear it.
mind you...
we may not bear it silently as Jesus did....
we may bear it....
completely recklessly
and inappropriately
while screaming,
laughing,
crying,
while silent,
pious or angry,
thrashing against it all....
or numbing our way through it all
but we will bear it
we have no choice
God is faithful to do what He says He will do
regardless of how we feel
or how we act
or what we believe
or what we doubt....
but it sure doesn't help
when we don't see
or feel
or hear....
God.
It feels very very lonely
It is very very lonely
It feels like rejection
like punishment
like the wilderness...
Sometimes we get a glimmer of God,
when He sends someone...
when He calls out to them...
and they answer Him with a
"Yes, Lord- I am willing."
He has called out to many
but few answer His call
few answer THIS CALL-
He sends that still small voice to their heart and says...
"I want you to call them and just listen-
they may never pick up the phone.
Stop by their house-
they may close the door.
Send a note-
you may never get a response.
Call them again-
pat them on the back
hug them
even if they resist hugging you back
don't take it personal
this is not about you
this is about Me
text them a song, or a poem
send them a picture
write them a memory
let them know you miss her too
talk about Calli
and Matt
and Linda-
even if it makes you uncomfortable
pray for them...
read scripture over their family
really pray for them
Stop telling them what to do
just listen.
I am calling you
They need you
Are you willing?
They have NOTHING to give you back.
They will drain you,
....but I want you to help them....
are you willing?
You will never get praise
or rewards on this side of Heaven
No one will know you are helping them
but Me."
This week...When you are all giving your thanks,
and Watching a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,
and Carving your bird...
please remember a young man
named Aidan,
who is only 13,
and has been traumatized so deeply
by the loss of his beloved sister,
Grandfather, Grandmother
and the callous and careless wounds and words
of the very people he is supposed to lean on and trust.
Please pray for him.
And Pray for Mike,
that God shows him how
to lead and care for
his wounded family
while he himself
is so broken and needs
to be cared for too
And Pray for me,
That I find a reason to sing again
and that I can love my Aidan,
and My Mike,
As they need me to love them
and that I can forgive those
that have wounded us
Please pray for the peace
of our home
This week, I needed to hear the Lord
I prayed and prayed
and I don't believe in ghosts,
but I believe the Lord lets me hear Calli sometimes, speaking to me
telling me things...
I heard Calli saying to me...
"Mommy, put on my playlist."
Her playlist.
Her radiation playlist...
This playlist she made for herself to listen to during
one of the hardest trails of her life.
the hour and a half of brain and spine radiation.
this music
brought her through.
I inherited all of her music,
her cds
her playlists
her journals....
here is one of those songs...
Beautiful Mercyby Laura Hackett
There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach
there is no sorrow so strong
that will overtake his beloved one
No pit too deep
That Jesus cannot reach
There is no sorrow so strong
That will overtake his beloved one
And He's brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean
He's so kind
Oh beautiful mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
Beautiful Mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do
You've brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And You've let me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean
So I will sing
Yes I will sing, I will sing
Even in the brokenness
I will sing
Even in this loneliness
If you are interested- here is her playlist- I know she added more songs after radiation, but this is her original list-
IN CHRIST ALONE-
RITA SPRINGER
LIVING HOPE-
LAURA HACKETT
WHERE YOU GO I GO-
KIM WALKER
JESU JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING-
JOSH GROBAN
PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM-
CASTING CROWNS
GOD OF THE ANGEL ARMIES (EXTENDED VERSION)-
JONATHAN DAVID HELSER
HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE-
SELAH
FLY (EXTENDED VERSION) -
JONATHAN DAVID HELSER
LET'S SURVIVE THIS TOGETHER-
LAURA HACKETT
FLING WIDE-
MISTY EDWARDS
WHEN I AM AFRAID-
LAURA HACKETT
A LITTLE LONGER-
BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON
PSALMS 73-
BARLOW GIRL
DRY BONES-
GUNGOR
BEAUTIFUL THINGS-
GUNGOR
PRAISE YOU IN THE DANCE-
CASTING CROWNS
ALL I NEED-
JJ HELLER
BEAUTIFUL MERCY-
LAURA HACKETT
YOU RAISE ME UP-
JOSH GROBAN
WORTH IT ALL-
RITA SPRINGER
JASON UPTON
HEALING IS IN YOUR HANDS-
CHRISTY KNOCKLES
HAYLIE-
JASON UPTON
BLESS THE LORD-
RITA SPRINGER
WARRIOR-
CAEDMON'S CALL
I PUT ON CHRIST-
LAURA HACKETT
I WILL WASTE MY LIFE-
MISTY EDWARDS
WILL OF GOD-
JASON UPTON
HOLDING ON-
JAMIE GRACE
GREAT RIVER ROAD(from jacob's ladder album)-
JASON UPTON
BRAND NEW DAY-
JOSHUA RADIN
WHERE YOU GO I GO-
BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON
CHARLOTTE CHURCH WITH JOSH GROBAN
THE CALL-
REGINA SPEKTOR
