DON'T GIVE UP

May 8, 2011

One year ago on May 8, Mother's Day...

Calli was putting together a trampoline and got a pain in her back...

It hurt so badly that she could not even jump...

 Did you ever go in a flight simulator?  Where you flip upside down and all around, and go headfirst into the ocean, only to flip right straight up again before you hit the surf?

Or on a tilt a whirl?, and you are on it, but don't want to be on it, and someone keeps turning that dumb wheel to make it go faster and faster and faster in one direction, and then boom, you turn the corner and you are hurled the other way.....

I never did like those things.

They always made me so sick

I would lose all sense of direction 

and reason

and balance

Holding back the barf, as it crept up my throat.....closing my eyes tight and holding on and waiting to regain center....

It's kind of felt like that for the last year.

 This month is such an emotional and unreal time for us.

Everything is hitting the fan.

My dad is gone...it is still unreal

My precious mother in law is gone....

My kids are so sad, and mad, and at times it just hits us all at once...

daddy carries Calli a lot

Calli has been having a good time of it trying to walk, eager to move forward,  in yet another new normal..

 she was getting stronger, and then she sprained her ankle-another set back, and then she got an abscessed tooth- does it ever end?  

recently, her face and body have had to endure so many drastic changes from the steroids they have her on.  If you see her- she is not fat, she is swollen.   It hurts her though, she is in no way a vain person, and no matter how much we tell her how beautiful she is....she still does not want to look in the mirror at her own face.  

before steroids- in February

She feels lost in her cheeks. 

After Steroids- May

  She said with tears yesterday, that she has lost her chin.  The tremors that make her hands shake and unable to write effectively are bothersome and the acne, dry skin and horrible stretch marks just add to the yucky effects from the steroid-Decadron. 

this song is for you Calli :)

a lady bug said hello to Calli last week

 This month is full of promise...but those promises, are strapped to the backs of pain, and hurt, and loss, and death.

With death comes life.

I don't think anyone can realize how much Calli has lost, how much of her has died.  No friend, or family member can see it or understand it or even know it, unless they are with her, caring for her, helping her, watching her and being with her each day...

Aidan is one of those people.

He feels bad going outside and climbing trees, or running with the dogs...

he knows she is watching him .....in pain, in sorrow, in yearning to be free and run and jump and climb like he does.

Aidan and Nana did the "Rocky" steps, as we watched

 The other day, he was so upset, and having a no good, bad, really horrible kind of day....

I just thought he was mad and being a booger

At the end of the day, as we were tucking him into bed, he wrapped his arms around me and cried.

"Mom, I thought Sissy was dead today....I saw her laying in the hammock and her eyes were closed, and I did not see her breathing, Mom... I thought she was dead."

Could you imagine the world that is on his shoulders?

Inside of his 12 year old heart, mind and self.... he holds secrets that none of you know or are aware of.  

Inside of him, he holds hurt and pain and loss and death.... pictures in his memories..constantly parading on the forefront of his mind, all day, every day.

He puts on masks of anger, and toughness and hides his hurt, his pain, his fears.

Can you see him?  Can you see past his masks? 

Do you remember when you were 12?  How easy it was, but how hard it seemed, growing into a new body, new emotions, new hormones...

now add to it- loss of your two best friends- your grandfathers,

and add the loss of your grandmother

and add the fact that your sister has this monster she is fighting....

and your friends have disappeared

and everyone takes everything  personally and blames you

and the people you look up to, and trust and depend on for help and acceptance and guidance let you down

blame you, don't have time for you....

give up on you...

Could you...for one second, or minute pray for Aidan?  Please?

hanging out in bed with my Sissy

 Calli and Aidan loved bell choir.  It was a struggle, and very hard each week, but Calli and Aidan pushed through.

Thank you to all who came out to see them both ring and support them- it meant the world to them.

 Calli was honored by the choir members for her perseverance, and was told that the choir can't replace her, and that they have all learned from her strength and dignity through the last year.  They presented her with two of the bells that she rings-with the engraving of her name and "In Christ Alone, my Hope is Found."

 All over the world Life presents us with conflict, and disagreements, and relationships that are done wrong and out of order, people are misled, lies are told etc....  
People all over the world have two choices.  Stay quiet, or speak up.   At times it is appropriate to do both- have you ever read the bible?  It was and is never a popular thing to speak up.

People pay for speaking up.  

It is a risk, not many are willing to take.

I have taught my children, that if they see something wrong, they must speak up, they must take that risk- they must count the cost and take courage and do what is right.  

When my children are in the line of fire, or being affected emotionally, physically, or spiritually in a matter, or a situation, being blamed or talked about-I will always speak up.

Sadly, instead of facing and working through a matter, a simple matter, people find easy ways out- the same ways out that have been used for thousands of years- avoidance, shifting blame and shunning.  

It hurts to be "Let go."  It hurts to be cast aside, It hurts to be given up on.  Someone told me once that maybe conflict is God's way of  showing us who he wants us to surround ourselves with...not saying we should not be around people that irk us...hey, I am one of  them!  What I'm saying is, for right now...my children are hurting and needy and need special care and grace and hearts that will love them and accept them and are willing to see past our outsides...to our hearts.  God has a way of revealing things , revealing hearts through conflict, through bruising, through disagreements.  His way of revealing is strange and always creates an environment to learn and grow.

I know that Mike and I do not want people around our children right now that will give up on them, reject them, or un-invite them into their "Ministry."  

 It is God's ministry anyway, isn't it?  Aren't they all?

 Who did Jesus minister to anyway?

The perfect?

the law-abiders?

the calm ?

the sane?

NOPE

 the rejects!

the outcasts!

the insane.!

the angry!

the hurt!

the lepers!

the law- breakers!

God's ministry is to the poor, 

the needy..

I'm not talking about money either..

I'm talking about spirit, the poor in spirit, 

the needy ones, 

the ones that need you to believe in them, 

and HOPE the best for them, 

and teach them to overcome

the ones that need you to help them heal and move forward

the ones that need you to look past their faults...
 right to their needs- 

the needs of a 12 year old boy...

he needs people to believe the best of him 
he needs people to never give up on him

he needs people to accept him, not reject him 

he needs real Christians who are "willing swear to their own hurt and change not" their words, their commitment that they made to him- to teach him...no matter how hard the winds blow or how loud he gets, if he is wiggly, or giggly or angry or sad, or misunderstood or needs to explain or explode...

 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.

When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.  I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”  Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.

Do you think those kids were perfectly quiet, or still, or had the greatest manners or respect for their teacher, Jesus?  

If they were normal kids, and I am sure they were...I bet not.
 All things are made beautiful in His time

When things like this happen to a child who has already been through so much, already been through the ringer over and over and over again.. it makes me think how on earth people can be so blind and prideful.  This makes me think very deeply and sadly...I wonder how God feels about it?

Aidan, my little man,

 you are an ordinary ODDBALL, 

you are loved, 

don't give up