Cleared to go

Calli came home last night from the hospital.  Her doctor's said all her blood levels are going back to normal, and the physical therapist cleared her to go home with us with some physical boundaries set in place.  At this point, all chemotherapy has been stopped.  Avastin, one of the chemotherapy's that she was on, was causing her to bleed in her cord... which in turn, caused major swelling and blood product in her cord... which then caused weakness and major pain again due to pressure on certain nerves...which caused her to have a change in her gait, and an inability to walk correctly, and we can't have that :) The supplements and vitamins must also be stopped for a few weeks, so that her blood can clot well!  We are not sure if she will go back on Avastin- this may be a blessing- especially if it causes internal bleeding :)

Bargaining

Have you ever gotten on your hands and knees and cried and begged your child to eat?  The last three weeks, I reduced myself to a groveling mother...begging and pleading and cajoling Calli to eat.  Have you ever watched your child waste away day by day?  Have you ever set many different choices of food and made so many different things, only for her to turn it all away.  Have you ever watched your child's eyes sink in from not eating for days... weeks, and know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her eat or drink?  Have you ever threatened your child, to eat..or else...or else they would have to get a feeding tube? Have you ever been so desperate?

We plead and beg and pray to God for help each day.  Mike and I have love the lord, and trust God fully with this matter.  Sometimes though, our human eyes cannot see past today.  Sometimes it is so hard to see.  Sometimes we shift our focus on the wrong things, and get jumbled up inside.  

We have prayed and thanked God for this situation, no matter how hard it has been.  Itis not only effecting Calli either, Aidan is just having such a hard time.  We cry to God for help, for wisdom, for guidance, for spirit eyes, that even if we are blinded ourselves and cannot see, that we will we hold on and trust and obey and have joy.  Sometimes God is quiet....He whispers so faintly...and when we hear His whispers, it seems like He is so far away, because we can barely hear Him.  This week I realized, that His whispers do not mean He is far, rather, He is so close, He is just quieting me, as a mother calms and quiets her voice to calm and quiet her own child.  

Shielding

Many of you may wonder, how Calli can look so good, and be so strong and in just a few weeks, or even days, go down hill so quickly.  People do not understand the essence of Calli.  She is a fighter extraordinaire!  She will try and try- never giving up...but she is so strong willed also, that when she puts her mind not to do something, she won't.  She won't eat if she is not hungry.  Nothing tastes good...  Also, with added stress, the body, the spinal cord, reacts to stress- things wont work right.... a simple thing like inflammation can quickly knock you down and put you out of the game- she was jogging in December, showing off her muscles eating OK, and today, she needs a brace and help walking and has no appetite.   

On top of this all, there are many other outside stresses that would send each of us crying to our beds...throwing the covers over our heads and waving the white flag!  I am an adult, and I myself can't handle a lot of what is going on without crying or screaming or laughing like a crazy person, or wanting to eat more or not at all- just begging and pleading for God to take over and shield us and handle it Himself.  Like a Canadian Goose Daddy...he will protect his family from danger or harm to the extent that he will give his own life in defense of them.  

Calli is just a child, a 14 year old child who has the world on her shoulders, fighting for her life each and every single day... believing that God has and is perfecting all that concerns her.  When these extra nonsensical things happen... she hears and sees and absorbs them all....it effects her so deeply.  If any of you know Calli, you know that she is articulate and deep and beyond her years..she wants to be told every single detail about things that pertain to herself and this struggle.  We Have respected her wishes, the doctors, have too- and it is a huge load to bear and knowing it all isn't always good...that is enough to have to deal with along with all the physical challenges, and emotional challenges......  

So when things and people and relationships start crumble around us....adding more to deal with, we want to put up walls of protection around our children.  B we cannot shield them from "Life," it happens.  When these things arise, they take an extra toll on Calli's already tired and worn out body, mind, and emotions-increasing her weakness,and lack of strength..and on Aidan, he is so angry and confused and just worn down.  People don't seem to get that, or they just don't care.  Perhaps they are sent to chip and chip away at us.  God has a plan for our lives, and satan will try and try and use whatever, or whoever he can....maybe even you- to beat us down and diverge us from God's plans.

 

Fight or Flight

I have certainly had my share, and given out all sorts of drama and stress, and have been guilty and still am at times, of focusing on things that don't matter, and have not always been the best friend or relative or mom or wife that I can and should be.  But right now, none of that matters.  Right now, it is all in the past, right now, I will hold my head up and move on and keep plowing through the mud to go where we must go and do what we must do to survive.

If you are in a relationship with us, and it gets pressed,  we are most likely going to stand up and fight you  or flee from you.  It is such a natural human response that God has given each of us.  There is a time and a season for everything.   

When I took Anatomy & Physiology in college, I learned about FIGHT or FLIGHT responses.  When presented with harm or danger or stimulation, a body will kick in to gear and major codes from the brain are sent to the body and All of these physical responses are intended to help you survive a dangerous situation by preparing you to either run for your life or fight for your life .  

IF a relationship is gonna require what we cannot give, we will most likely bow out and let it go.  We don't have the energy or stamina for relationships that require a whole lot of work right now  We are taking care of what God has given us, each other, and our children. You can choose to give us grace, and stick by us and forgive us if we cannot or do not meet your expectations; or you can move on if you must- we understand.  

Ecclesiastes 3-A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every ^[a]event under heaven—

 ² A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
⁶ A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

Sometimes people and the petty things and issues they think are big, are really not that big.  Instead of quieting themselves, and believing the best, and being honest and stepping back and waiting, they run and hide and lie and gossip and they wreak havoc and ruin and destroy and separate themselves and separate others.  They divide instead of join...they dig pits and graves for others but soon, if they are not humble and cry out to God, they will be falling into those pits themselves and their lies  have spread like gangrene...in the end they will be held accountable to God.  There is a huge cancer out there, and it is called unforgiveness.  IT will rot you from the inside out.

I want to be in the boat like Jesus, and the waves and storms are crashing all around me...and I am at rest, sleeping- totally a mess on the outside but totally trusting on the inside.

 

 Right now, our focus is on our family resting and healing and eliminating the outside stresses.... The best is yet to be.  

 

THis song is so worth listening to over and over again- whoever made this video did a great job too-