Friday, September 29, 2017

God, I am very upset with you right now.  I still don't understand why all of this has happened to our family.  I miss Calli so much, and I feel like so much has been stolen from us.   I miss Aidan, God please help him.  Please God, help him to heal and stay alive and protect him from harm. 

Calli, I miss your sweet voice, and your smile,and your tears.  I miss your writing and your hands and I miss your gentle corrections and big laughs.  It's really hard to believe it has been 5 years...I am still in shock.  Prolonged grief and PTSD they call it.  I call it hell.  I try to move forward, and I have...I have learned so much and I paint and I draw and I try to express it all through art, but I am not very good....it's just an outlet really...I miss painting wth you,and I miss reading with you and I miss learning with you.  All the kids in my clases are your age Calli.  I look at them and I see the potential of what you could have had but it has all been stolen.   Yeah I guess I have a bad attitue, woe is me woe is you people say....well their kid hasn't died right?

I try to turn the frown upside down and think happy thoughts and meditate and pray and practice calm and mindfulness and all that schtuff...but there are days like today, where it is unbearable and very very lonely and sad.

I have tried to help Aidan...At first I did not know how to help him, how to be there for him...everyone judged us and labeled us and it was very hard...but we are pushing through, but Calli, he is missing you so very much and that is the broken link, so many broken links.....he needs you to forgive him, he needs to forgive himself. 

Gosh I miss talking to you.  You were my best friend, and maybe that was wrong but I don't care.  Daddy cried so much the other night.  I haven't seen him cry like that since you died.  He was just walking out of the bathroom and he let himself gaze at the picture he has ignored for 5 years, and  your eyes met his.  He was so sad and inconsolable.  He loved you so much even though he did not always know how to show you.  You were balance and peace, and that was too heavy of a burden to bear.  I am so sorry Calli.  We love you and we love Aidan and we did the best we could with what we had at the time,and we are trying so hard to learn how to be loving good parents for Aidan.  It is hard to know what he needs.

Many have told us how awful we were and are as parents, as humans....... we have failed, but we keep trying, love covers a multitude of sins.  Cali will you please forgive us for the times we weren't as godly and loving as we should have been. 

God gave you so many gifts, and what now you are dead, and gone and it is still hard, for ALL OF US. Aidan misses you so much, little by little he is letting himself feel the pain of saying your name out loud...It took him 2 years to talk about you...slowly he is letting himself feel you, but he is scared and he is lonely, he is so very lonely Calli.

I don't even know why I am typing this, I am just having a very sad night and not doing my homework, I cannot even focus, the pain is too heavy right now so maybe the universe will get this to you...Maybe Jesus will hug you for me, but I am very mad at Him...I am so sad and feel so very lost right now.  I love you so much Calli, please watch over your brother, he is so lonely and puts himself in so much danger...he is alone, all he has is God right now...please ask Jesus to give him a break, he needs a break, please God, we all need a break.

I wuv you Towy Mae...

Wuv,
Mommy

Saturday, December 13, 2014

one day

MERRY CHRISTMAS
peace on earth
goodwill toward men
all men
the Nice ones
the mean ones
the peaceful ones
the violent ones
keep your eye on the prize

Jesus came down from heaven
He was God, yet CHOSE
to be human
to be fallible
but was not FALLIBLE
he was perfect
our example
No matter what people did to him...
He still CHOSE to be a servant to all
to wash the filth and dirt off of people's feet
he did weird things
like spit in mud & stick it in people's eyes
and He put his fingers in people's ears...
WEIRD
totally unconventional back then, and now
but He was FOR REAL
He healed, changed lives
People CHOSE to follow Him
He did not make them
We have a free will
No one wants to be loved by someone
That is being made to love them...
 They want you to CHOSE them

People also CHOSE to walk away from Him
He still loved them
He still died for them...
He loved the most unlovely!!!
He came for us all- we all have a CHOICE
To be like Him
To love the mean, the cruel the ordinary oddballs
To love the people that hurt us...
They don't realize what they are doing
and we must forgive them
because we do it to...
We have a CHOICE to love unconditionally like Jesus did...
We have a CHOICE to choose to follow Jesus and His example

Christmas is a very hard time of year for many, 
It certainly is for us...







But we have this HOPE...this PEACE...this JOY that we should not have...
We have this HOPE as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure. 
This Hope enters the inner sanctuary.... behind the curtains

So you all have probably seen the Wizard of Oz right?
Man behind the curtain, you could not see him, 
but you could hear him,
he was all powerful
and did things for you
and to you......it was a sham....

Well in the Old Testament days,
There was a thick curtain that shielded 
the Israelites from the Holy of Holies-
The place where they kept the Ark of The Covenant- 
Which was a trunk, for lack of better words, 
that housed God's Spirit...
so in essence, you were separated from God by a curtain 
 
It was a most sacred room, 
A place no ordinary person or  ordinary oddball could enter
You had to be clean, spotless, pure to enter past the curtain
NO ONE except the high priest could enter
And he could only enter once a year!

 Anyone else who entered the Holy of Holies would DIE.
HARSH
It was not great for a lot of people who thought maybe they were good enough, 
clean enough...
...they got zapped or disintegrated...

kinda like in Raiders of the Lost Ark- 
if you have seen it...
remember when the German guy wanted to open the Ark, 
They do a ceremony & open it & 
it appears to contain nothing but sand. 
but suddenly, angelic beings emerge from the Ark 
and float around the people
Indiana knows the Bible & its history
& warns his girlfriend to SHUT HER EYES
suddenly those angels angels of death. 
a huge vortex flame appears above the Ark 
& like an atomic bomb
swallows up the nazi's...
heads explode, 
bodies shrivel in flames, faces are melted...
they are all doomed and die
except Indy & his girlfriend

So it was probably like that- but worse in real life

But in all seriousness..
To be in God's presence- was a  scary thing
A sacred thing, not to be taken lightly
A privileged thing, denied to all but one...

Until Jesus Came
When Jesus died, the Bible says that that Veil was torn!
His body was the veil
He was torn for us to have immediate access to God 
and His Holy Spirit and its power!
So now we can have pure uninterrupted intimacy with Him
We can access Him anytime, 
He never leaves us
He is with us literally- 
ALWAYS
 
We can now boldly enter into God’s presence, 
“The inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 
where Jesus, 
who went before us, 
has entered on our behalf.” (Hebrews 6:19-20)

THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS
LIFE AND LIFE ABUNDANT
THAT IS WHY JESUS CAME
THAT IS WHY JESUS DIED
TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP
ONE ON ONE
NO PRIESTS, 
CURTAINS, 
MANS RULES IN THE WAY
JUST YOU AND JESUS
ASK HIM TODAY....
TO COME IN YOUR HEART
HE WILL GIVE YOU THE SAME HOPE 
THAT WE HAVE
TO KEEP WALKING WITH BROKEN LEGS
TO KEEP SINGING IN THE MIDST OF THE TORNADOES
TO  KEEP YOUR EYES ON 
THE THINGS THAT ARE TO COME-JESUS!
ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER 
AGAIN WITH JESUS, 
WITH CALLI
WE CAN'T WAIT
BUT UNTIL THAT FINAL DAY...
WE WILL KEEP HOPING

WE LOVE YOU ALL, MERRY CHRISTMAS
 

 

WE LOVE THIS ORTHODOX JEWISH RAPPER 
MATISYAHU- "Gift of God"
IF YOU CAN'T DOWNLOAD THE VIDEO ON YOUR PHONE...
LOOK UP THIS SONG ON YOUTUBE :)

MATISYAHU- ONE DAY
Sometimes I lay
Under the moon
And thank God I'm breathing
Then I pray
Don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around because...
All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There will be no more wars
And our children will play
One day

It's not about
Win or lose
Because we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent
Blood-drenched pavement
Keep on moving though the waters stay raging
In this maze you can lose your way 
It might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown 
But I never let it get me down
 So when negativity surrounds 
 I know some day it'll all turn around because...
All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There will be no more wars
And our children will play
One day 

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence
Down with the hate
One day we'll all be free
And proud to be
Under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like fire 

All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There will be no more wars
And our children will play
One day



Tuesday, September 16, 2014

BE CHILD CANCER AWARE

september is childhood cancer awareness month

not all ribbons are pink

childhood cancer's ribbon is GOLD


My Sweet Calli,
is one of 6
 Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation 
CORD HEROES
Calli had a Primary Spinal Cord Tumor
basically that means that her cancer originated 
IN her spinal cord, 
verses traveling there from another cancer somewhere else in the body...
Calli had a very rare and explosively aggressive brain cancer in her spinal cord
In case you were not aware, the spinal cord is considered part of the brain!

The ALSF CORD Fund

Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation has partnered with the CORD Foundation & joined forces to make an even bigger difference for children with spinal cord tumors! 


Did you know that you can host a lemonade stand in Calli's memory?

At any time during the year, you can host a lemonade stand event at work, at your school, in your community or just choose to donate to Calli's CORD FUND  Any & all monies raised, will go specifically to Calli's CORD Hero FUND!  

While you cannot help Calli anymore :(
You CAN still help other children struggling with Spinal cord/Brain Cancer!  
Calli really wanted to help the other kids with cancer, 
she wanted her life to matter, to make a difference.  
It is really simple to get started!  
To read more about the ALSF CORD FUND click on the link below!
Learn more



 To read more about our Hero Calli (Callahan), see link below! 
 To make a donation to Calli's CORD FUND, see this link!
 To host a stand, or have a pajama party at school, or create your own FUNdraising event in Calli's memory, see link below!

PLEASE be sure to choose Callahan Derstine (see above) as your Cord Hero when making a contribution or when choosing to host a stand or create another event.




Childhood Cancer Facts

Another way that you can help make a difference is to attend the 
hand-bell concert below- 
honoring the memory of three local 
child-brain-cancer heroes, 
including Calli!  
YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!


Want to smash someone in the face with a whipped cream pie???

I DID- I smashed myself!
Mike wanted me to do it again!
I am SURE that he wanted to smash my face :)
I look silly , I am in my pj's!  HA HA
I do not care :P
It is not about me, 
This is about our children!!!
I did it for Calli & challenged some friends to do it
Please have fun doing this & take pictures & a video 
and use the hashtag #whippingchildhoodcancer or #whippingchildhoodcancerchallenge 
& make a donation to the CORD FUND 

There are SO many orginizations that fund CHILDHOOD CANCER RESEARCH!  Research raises awareness, awareness raises dollars, dollars raise funds for cures geared specifically for children!
Lets make a difference in the war against childhood cancer
#GOGOLD