Saturday, March 23, 2013

35

Today is my birthday
I never thought I would ever
celebrate a birthday
without my Calli :(
I really miss hugging her
I miss how she melted...
...so easily into my arms
I miss smelling her hair
I miss talking to her
I miss my daughter...
I miss the special relationship
that we shared
And how easy it was
to talk to her
and laugh with her
unlike boys
and guys
and males
She was a girl
my girl
This was on my birthday last year
Today I am scrambling
and searching
through my drawers 
Desperately trying
to find the card 
My sweet Calli made me
for my birthday last year.
It had rainbows
she had drawn on it.
I love rainbows.
It had so many beautiful colors
and words in it
From her heart...
to mine
She told me how colorful I really was
on the inside 
She told me how much she loved me
She told me that no matter
 what anyone ever said...
 or did to me...
That she...
that she saw the real me
And she knew the real me..
And she loved me...
With all my true colors...
yellow
black
brown
blue
green
or red
And then she asked Mike to play this song...
And I held her
and hugged her
and cried with gratitude
for her life.
As we listened,
The love inside my heart
exploded
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Mike just came in, 
We got a package.
Left on the doorstep
I don't even know who it is from...
But look what we got!
Wow, thank you,
whoever you are
that sent these to us.
They came at just the right moment...
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Last weekend,
I went to the beach....
It was sunny and cold
it was a time of refreshing
and a time
of spiritual renewal
and it was really windy :)
This is Jill.
She is my friend
to the heart good 
as Calli used to say :)
Whenever I am out in the world,
I ask for a heart rock.
I have many over the years
that Calli and Aidan
have found for me...
or that I have found on walks
I always find one.
They are never perfectly shaped,
usually worn from the years,
sometimes broken,
but always, always a heart.
When I ask now,
I know Calli can hear
and she reminds Jesus
to send one to me.
I think just maybe that....
she can see them
and that she picks out
just the right one...
And then Jesus puts them in my path.
So on this cold & blustery
day on the beach,
I asked for another heart rock.
Jill said she would help me look...
And it was a very special
moment for her,
When she saw it first
It was very special indeed

Monday, March 4, 2013

survival


I love how the sun says good morning to me each day




Two cool kids...both getting their black belts on June 1
We told Aidan It was too warm to skate......
But he wanted to try anyway.....
He got nice & wet




I think I look like a horse here...no, a unicorn :)


I have a fondness for green olives....I am rather addicted to them

This is Amos...he is king of our bed.  I hate when he lays on the pillows



Aidan has never gotten anything other than 1st place in sparring
He is pretty good at putting hole in walls too....
don't judge a book by its cover...or by its tattoos....

I finally decided to go for it...I took my sketches & he made it permanent
right inner wrist infinity, babies breath, Callahan

Side of left wrist, monarch butterfly, treble clef, fly- the song that was playing when she died.  look it up.  by jonathan david helser, "fly"


I had surgery.  I am fine.  Calli was there in surgery with me.  No Joke.  She came through a door, tall and glowing from the inside- she looked exactly the same but totally different.  her hair was so long, the longest i ever was, and it was beaming with light from within it.  She held my hand as I laid there on the surgery bed, and she was talking to me the whole time, smiling and explaining things to me.  She was talking in a language I understood, but never heard before.  She was so tall & looked ageless..old but young...the essence of wisdom & love & comfort & she just glowed from the inside.  It was her spirit being.  Then,my dad came through the same door, and looked at me and smiled, and said to Calli, "It is time to go back now Calli."  And they both walked through the door.  They did not say goodbye, they just looked at me, smiled and left through the door.  Then I woke up from surgery, I was in shock and shaking & they could not get my temperature.  All I could see was Calli's face...pure I was screaming her name, and I did not understand why I was waking up and not going back to her.  I wanted to go back to that place.  I asked them to put me back asleep, and they tried to calm me down, but I was irrational and just wanted to go be with her again, and look at her....It was not a dream...or a vision.  I know that God allowed her to come see me.  I had been begging him for months to just let me have a glimpse of her face now, of her wholeness, her healed...I have nightmares every night, of her dying over and over again...it is terrible...but now, God gave me a glimpse...and now, when those terrible thoughts and pictures of my child dying come to my mind, I push them away with the reality that I was with Calli's spirit person...my Daddy...he was so whole, and beaming, and smiling and happy.  God is real.  Heaven is real.  We are spirits living in bodies.  When our bodies die, we do not.  We meet Jesus.  But no one, and I mean no one will get to the Father, in heaven, without Jesus as their advocate, their covering.  Calli is in heaven because she loved Jesus and was not ashamed of Hid message, or His cross, and boasted not in her own strength or power, but in Jesus's.  My dad, a wretch, a drug addict most of his life, a prisoner ...by all means and many people's opinions should be in hell...but he is not- why?  He LOVED Jesus, he was never ashamed to speak truth about Jesus, even to his own hurt- he preached the gospel of Jesus Christ and was a fellow sufferer...My dad knew he was the utmost of sinner, but he admitted it, and knew he was destined for hell without Jesus- he begged Jesus to help him, and Jesus did.


I want back to work...and stayed there.  Thank you Jesus for helping me each day to get out bed.
It is rare that we smile, or laugh...Please pray hard for Aidan, and Mike and me.  Our hearts are so raw still, & we need help.  We need a hero to come and save us from all the destruction the enemy has planned and succeeded in...We are surrounded on all sides...each day is a struggle and a trial and we just need a break from the discord.  We are in therapy...a lot of therapy..and it is like chipping away at an ice burg with a toothpick.  Calli asked me to sing this song to her the night before her surgery....Please listen to it...it is our anthem now...




freefalling

Rain.
Rain falls down from Heaven...
Just like God's words fall from Heaven
In the Bible, it says that
God's words...
 don't go back up to Heaven...
Until they have accomplished 
what God sent them to do...

Calli was a word from Heaven.

 Aidan is a word from Heaven.

Ya know, when we fall on our faces before God,
sometimes we try and figure out what it is
we are supposed to do
to be
what our purpose is on this earth
we ask
and cry 
and beg for direction
for a word
for approval
acceptance
from God.

Maybe if we stop asking...
and let go
He will show us
and make us
what He wants us to be

Calli lived, not asking, just living.
Freely and fully Enjoying God 
and His creation...
learning and teaching,
She was life.
She was a word from Heaven.
A gift of life, given to us
for just a short time
such a short time


Calli completed her purpose here on earth...
so young...
sent back up to Heaven.
but still she lives...
her earthly body is gone
but the lessons she taught
the seeds that her life sowed
are ever present in our lives.
Our hearts are so broken 
so broken
and we do ask why...
we will never know on this side of Heaven
we are so confused
and we still love God
and we Trust Him....
but
where do we go from here?
How on earth do we recover?
 
Here we are on a skydive that we did not choose to jump.
We are free-falling through the sky 
through the clouds
we can barely see past the length of our own arms reach
we are scared to death
holding on to one another for our lives
and at the same time struggling, 
desperately tugging 
back and forth at one another
trying to hold on
trying to let go
reaching for the pull cord
 waiting for the parachute to open


blocked by grief

I have nothing to write...I just can't write right now.....call it a block...from grief, exhaustion.....  Here is a video of my sweet Calli and one of her best friends Christina- this was right before she got cancer...I can't stop watching this..........
video