Tuesday, January 15, 2013


 It was hard
I am glad it is over.
Mike and I did not want to decorate
or get a tree
or sing carols
or even think of buying presents....
for one child....
but we did
and we did it for one reason
our beloved son
He has had such a rough time in school
with bullies and brats and
well butt heads....
and here at home, it is a roller coaster
of emotions
raw emotions.

He knew we did not want to celebrate
with the rest of the world...
we had to work through this...

PARADE- a start...
Aidan marched in the Souderton parade
I walked along with Mark Cashatt's TaekwonDo
and got over my fear of saying "Merry Christmas" 
I even dressed in colorful Christmas garb, and I smiled and said
"Merry Christmas" about 300 times :)
Hey, It was a start

 that's a big tree...
 you need chap stick Aidan
 Hi Yah Ninja PAH!

So, I decided to surprise Aidan and decorate...
 For some reason, I went into Calli's closet
sometimes I go there to cry
or think...
I have gone over every square inch of it...
searching for something
a lost poem,
a secret note...
and in all of my searching, never did I open the box that
contained this scarf.

Calli made this scarf-
I never knew that she finished it,
folded it neatly
and put it in a box
for me to find
it was a gift from my sweets.

I felt love in that moment.
 Then i went downstairs to the basement,
and I reached to the top
to get the first box of gift wrap down,
and I saw this...
 My heart stopped beating for
what seemed like an hour
Her name.
Scribbled in the dust
of the Christmas boxes.
In that moment,
I felt like God was allowing her to send me
a message
"I love you MOM!"
"You can do this mommy...
I see you
I love you"

One by one,
I pulled out ornaments
and things that really
mean nothing to you...
but to me, to Mike, to Aidan,
They meant memories.
She'll be home For Christmas this year.....with Jesus- I bet it was that best Christmas she ever had.

 Rodney and Ronda
A gift  from my Dad to my Mom
When I was only 8 or so...
Passed down to me

 The farting Santa, and Calli's snowman and Aidan's Reindeer

 The nativity that Calli always had to set up and make "Just Right."
 The Angel was Linda's,
and after she died in February,
Calli picked it out to keep-

Her Kindle Elf from Buyer's Choice
that they gave to her as a gift
for ringing bells there last year
her Bell Ornament that Aunt Mary
gave to her

 Linda's Christmas balls
 Memories of long ago
 Calli always insisted on putting up mistletoe, so I hung it where she always would.
As you could imagine,
it was a day full of tears
heaving and balling on the floor...
It was a sacrifice...and journey I had to go through.
Not get over...
but go through...
for Aidan.
 At this point, I really tried to hold it together for Aidan, but lost it.
This is the advent Calendar that I made with them,
many years ago.
Each year they would argue over who gets to go first...but really it was who was last that mattered-
they got to put on baby Jesus...
This year....
Aidan did each and every one.

Amos helping Daddy
 uh oh- too big!

 a little trim off the top :)
 wow, I think he's excited
 oye lol
 "Mom, we need to separate Sissy's ornaments."

 Calli's ornaments

 see her smile?


As a child, we would go to my Aunt Alison's on Christmas Eve.
It was always very exciting,
and fun.
This year, I was so happy to enjoy a lovely evening
 with my cousins,
Grandmother, and Aunt Al & Joe.
It was the warmest and most living place
There definitely was a sadness
we were missing two beloved people...
We shared white Elephant gifts,
and sang our hearts out.


 I prayed for snow.
Calli loved the snow.
We got a white Christmas Eve :)

 I made a really yummy dinner
 Brussels sprouts
 Rack of Lamb
Garlic  Brown Rice with pine nuts

For tradition's sake, Aidan got to open one gift on Christmas Eve.

christmas morning
 I woke up and he was recording me :)
Merry Christmas Aidan

 happy puppies

 At this point....Mike lost it...
Aidan took the stocking down and
we always opened them up first...
Calli's was hanging there all alone.
That broke us.
Mike could not stifle his sobbing

 Butchy loves Christmas.  She was so sad though.
 Until she got her bone

 After presents...
I had to go
I could not stare at the lonely stocking,
& empty chair  anymore...
I sat in the cold...and I looked over at
Mark & Linda's grave, and I
missed the many Christmas's with them
 As I cleaned off Calli's grave
and put fresh greens on it....
I began to sink
the ground beneath me, literally sank down a foot...
In that moment,
Her death was so real to me.....but still
I could not fathom that she was gone
I embraced my grief
I felt the loss
so real in that moment....
My daughter is dead.
Jesus came...
and I will see her again...
I really have learned to enjoy solace, the peace that being alone brings
 I then traveled over an hour to my Dad's grave...
and I missed him very much.