swiss cheese

 this day...

I laughed really hard at Mike 

after the Oral Surgeon 

pulled his wisdom teeth out...

Did you ever see the video

David after the dentist?

It was kinda like that-

Except he wasn't being very nice :)

this day I sighed......

as Aidan went off to school

Public school

For the first time in his life

 Thankfully, his first day, 

happened to be the same day 

that Mike was having his teeth pulled, 

so, we both were able to 

drive him to school

 the poor dogs wondered 

where he was all day

they were waiting for him 

to get off of the bus

 He greeted them 

they greeted him

life was good

until ....

he realized I had the camera :)

 Mom!

 Really? 

Put the camera away!

(said in a super growly voice)

oh my :(

I don't like puberty

or teen angst

or talk-backers

or angry eyebrows

not one bit.

I have had several people

inform me that 

I must be doing a good job

as a parent ....

if my son is telling me

that he hates me.

I don't like this period of life right now

not one bit.

I was never like that....

Was I Ma?

 And according to his mother,

Mike D. was a perfect angel ...

until he met me:)

poor guy got corrupted

who are those rebellious teens? 

Oh my

We still have matching rolls:)

they are just much larger now....

 Well...I guess Aidan does not hate me that much....

since I found this secret message

written on the mailbox

darkness in the sky

the sun awakening the day...

the morning dew leftovers...

waiting for the bus

 love for his family

 (that includes me!)

just bubbles out of him

and onto the mailbox :)

I have been crying quite a bit lately

the other day,

I actually pulled a muscle laughing

I have been all alone

I needed to talk to my dad one day...

I wanted him to tell me what I was good at

and bad at

and what I should do with my life

I wanted him to give me
 those directions and advice

He was always so good at giving....

but never following....

I felt so lost

so I went for a drive....

I just wanted to sit and talk with my Daddy

like we used to do

before all the mess..

well.... within the mess..

we were a mess

but there were 

a lot of good times

in the midst of it all

before he died...

our relationship had evolved

it was simple for us...

we talked,

we shared a meal

we laughed

we cried

we sighed

I know that going to someones grave...

I am not going to see them

They are not there...

well their spirit is not there...

and a lot of people have their opinions 

and doctrines and theories

about "visiting" graves

and ya know what...

I don't give a hoot about what they think...

Losing my dad was horrible....

we just started to live

we just started to heal

we just started to really love 

and understand one another

and be friends...

I wanted to see him grow old

and I wanted him to see Aidan and Calli grow

and I wanted to have more time

I feel robbed...

so on this day,

I went to talk to God, 

and my Dad, 

and I told my Daddy...

how mad I was at him

for leaving me

for being a genius

for being so stupid 

how much I really really

needed him

how very sad I was

that he was not around

for most of my life....

How I really wanted him to stay

and I told him that...

but he was dead.

Did I ever tell him when he was alive....

how very very much I needed him

how very very much I wanted to hear his Jewish jokes

and hear him sing more

and how all that mess was terrible 

but somewhat normalish....

OH HOW MUCH I MISSED HIM.

As I sat at that grave,

 4 hawks flew above me

I only was able to capture one at a time

they were perching 

and flying

and screeching at me

have you ever seen 4 hawks together?

somehow...

in some way..

I felt like God sent those 4 hawks to me

to remind me...

that My dad

and 

Mike's dad,

and

 Mike's mom

and 

our precious daughter, Calli

are with Him

and they are free

and they are soaring

and it comforted me

I got a call last week...

Calli's headstone came.

I drove over right away

and it was raining...

Each month

on the 4th

When I lay out flowers

over her whole grave...

It is always raining

I love the rain

This day.....

something groaned inside of me

I realized how deep

how wide

how monstrous

the cavern inside of me was

people come....

and they leave feathers

and flowers

and pine cones

and ribbons

and their love...

that makes me feel better

to know you are thinking of her too

that I am not alone

in my missing her...

Do you miss her?

Why don't you ever talk about her?

I guess for me,

It is hard to let go of her physical body

I know her spirit is in heaven,

I know she is happy with Jesus

and my dad

and Linda and Mark,

but still...

As a mother, who birthed and nursed my baby...

and watched her grow into 

the vivacious and strong little girl she was

and watched as she

 blossomed into the poised and 

powerful flower of a young woman that she was...

and watched as she faded

but never let go 

of her dignity

and courage...

and beauty....

As her mother,

It is hard to let go of her body

her physical self...

My spirit knows the truth 

her spirit is

very much alive in Heaven...

but my brain

is a very hard obstacle to get over

my brain reminds me

that my Calli's body

 is under the ground

in a box

covered in dirt

alone

cold

decomposing

and I feel guilty

and mad

and a pain literally 

shoots through my heart

and into the pit of my soul

 So I go

and I bring her flowers....

and I talk to the sky

and it rains

and somehow

 I don't feel as guilty

for leaving her body there...

for walking away from it...

Please don't tell me that

 she is happy and in Heaven

I do know that

and I believe that.... 

 

Please don't remind me that

she would want me to be happy

It does not really help at all.

If you are a Christian, 

Please stop telling me that Christians 

are not supposed to mourn and grieve

for the death of another Christian

Because I do fiercely...

and I am Christian.

Please stop telling me that

 If I visit my child's grave...

 I cannot possibly have faith

Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith

He's given to me the amount of faith

He thinks I should have...

As I study His word, He gives me more...

When you speak these words...

your words...

your interpretations...

when you say things like....

""She was not healed, because she lacked faith, "

"you lacked faith, "

"you did not believe enough, "

"she sinned, "

"you sinned..."

"It was His will for her to die,"

 "It was not His will for her to die..."

"He's got a plan for a Hope and a future..."

"You are selfish for mourning..."

"You are having a pity party... "

"You should only mourn for the right reasons and 

her going to Heaven is not one of them..."

"Faith removes your self-pity- you need more faith"

"You are not fit for the Kingdom of God, if you mourn for her death"

"God cannot use you if you are depressed..."

When you say these things....

you are building walls so high 

so thick

all around me...

just like Babel

and you discourage me

and you confuse me

and then I feel lost

and alone

and utterly 

utterly like....

Swiss cheese

there are holes

all throughout me....

people told me to get a job,
go to school
volunteer...
don't be alone
keep busy..


So, I got a job
at my old office...
and I was really good at it
and felt good doing it
for about a day...
It just hit me
and I  kept crying
and I failed miserable at faking it
and then I could not handle going back....
Thank God for a loving and understanding boss
who is giving me all the time I need
and calling to check up on me :)

I am taking a pottery class,
and I am making things with my hands
and it feels good

I am going to paint my sister's bedroom
and maybe help a dear friend
choose the colors of her heart
for her beautiful home....

I was a mom.
I loved my job.
I loved every second
I was priveledged to spend
with Calli and Aidan.
Now they are gone...
She is in Heaven
and he is at school
and I am still a mom...
but I don't feel like it anymore...

So, I am embracing my grief
whole-heartedly feeling
every square mm of it.
I can't shove it away
it just pummels its way out of me
at all the wrong moments
I cry at the grocery store
at the doctor's
at the coffee shop
anywhere
and everywhere...
and that is ok.
If you ask how I am
I'll tell you I am terrible
I can't hide it
I don't like masks
I'll tell every soul
I know about
My Calli

the depths of despair

 are not too far for God to reach me....

He is with me always...

Even in the valley...

Even in the shadow of death....

This is my time to grieve and mourn 

and cry and lay in bed all day some days

and go out and be normal and laugh other days...

There is a time to mourn

and a time to dance....

CHOP's Four Seasons Parkway Run & Walk

 I really wanted to include butterflies....

they represent so much to me....

So I made hair clips and pins :)

Every single girl had a butterfly in her hair, 

and every single guy had a butterfly on his shirt

 get ready

 get set

 go!

Calli was smiling down on her Daddy

He really needed it 

We all need the sunshine

We are so proud of team Ordinary Oddballs

They raised over $3500 for Children's Hospital of Philadelphia's Cancer Center.

The sun was shining down on us....

It was a very difficult day...

Very emotional and just a few days shy of 

3 months since our sweet  Calli went to Heaven.

The people who came to walk, or run, 

the people who donated 

in the love and memory of Calli, 

showed us again, how much they love and support, 

not just us, but this cause, these children.

Mike, Aidan and I are very proud of the team and and we want to say

Thank You 

Glenda Leatherman, Ben Leatherman, Trey Leatherman, Levi Leatherman,  Lucianna Alderfer, Erin Rasnake, Timothy Court, Lori Derstine, Amanda Derstine, Alyssa Derstine, Chase, Sheila Schiedel, Julie Carter, Doc Carter, Alison Dittmar, Joseph Dittmar, Sandy McDermott, Ellen Nulf, Laura Kozdra,  Barbara Smith, Daniel Smith, Tom Pace, Rachel Smith, Jennifer Ghazanfari, Shannon Horbonis, Dominick Feralio,  Lorina Hunsberger, Travis Hunsberger,  Mysel Gomez-Landis, Mickey Gomez, Elijah Landis, Elanah Landis, Elicean Landis, Belyse Landis, Melanie Anders, Bernadette Denolf,  and Alison Seiler.

Later that day, we went to see the Dead Sea Scrolls 

at The Franklin Institute

  I cried a lot

I am not sure what it was...

maybe the fact that the very words of God from over 2000 years ago, 

were staring at me

Maybe it was the woman who asked me

 who they were writing about 

in one of the psalms on display...

I thought she was joking...

she did not know..

that when they were saying

 "You formed the earth.."

 they were talking about God.

we talked for a bit

and she asked...

if .maybe she should start reading the Bible

I put my hand on her shoulder...

and told her it was worth it...

and then I cried...

The next room I entered, 

I heard the most angelic voices singing in Hebrew

 I don't know what they were singing...

but it moved me deeply

it was a balm to my heart...

After the Franklin Institute,

We had a memorial service to go to at CHOP

remembering and honoring 

the life of the children 

who had died since January

There were too many.....

It was our first time back at CHOP

since the last time....

the last time I took my Calli through those doors...

the last time she came in smiling

and she left silently fading....

somewhere between this world and Heaven....

I was ok, until there were no spots left in the parking garage

and I had to keep going down

down to  B level parking

that was our level

I parked as far away as I possibly could...

from our regular handicapped spot.

inevitably...

as I walked past it

I stood still
for a moment
lost in the empty spot.

I closed my eyes

and I saw her there....

I miss getting her in and out of the car- 

I miss those wonderful and hearty 

bonus hugs that I got every day

as God gave me the strength
to lift her in and out 

of her wheelchair 

going up to the elevators, 

Aidan said, "I have this hospital memorized..."

and he does
 As we traveled down the halls 

and past the Oncology unit,
memories flooded my mind

I saw her walking, 
I saw her wheeling

I saw her in hospital beds

and MRI machines

I saw her getting poked and drugged

I saw her puking and laughing

I saw her crying and coloring...

and becoming unrecognizable

but becoming 

the most fragrant and beautiful

 warrior

Then we passed the window...

the last window my daughter looked out of 

before her life faded.

This was the room...

where she last spoke to me

where for the last time I would ever hear her say

"I WUV YOU MOM."

This was the last place she hugged me

the last place I watched my sweet love

try to live...

and eat..

and drink...

and talk to me....

and the last place

her big beautiful plushy lips 

kissed me back...

This was the last time I heard her voice

saying "I want Daddy."

 This was the place ...

where she tried so hard

and gave me her last smile

This was the last place she spoke.

the last words she said...

"Take me home, I just want to go home."

 The she faded away.... 

 What I would not give

to go back to that last day

and tell her so much more than I did...

so much more...

in those last moments...

tell her how proud I am to be her mom

How I never regretted having her

how my life with her

has meant more than anything 

how she "got" me more than anyone

she loved me more than anyone

How her life...

the years spent with her

were the best years of my life.

I would have held her longer

kissed her more

stroked her hair and twirled it on my finger

Freezing time....

 

As we walked down the main stairs,

and past the cafeteria and bathrooms,

many more memories flooded my mind...

my heart...

my soul ached....

As we approached the Auditorium, 

and turned the corner

I saw her...

I believe it hit us all

at the same time

like a ton of bricks...

 in the depths of our stomachs

In the midst of many faces, 

I saw only one 

There was my sweet Calli's picture

on display for all to see...

Candles all around her face...

Butterfly balloons above

My child was dead. 

The rest of the day was a blur

I think that day...

a flood of epic proportions 

was released

out of me

The tears gushed

from the bowels of my soul

The service....

It was poetry

It was music

It was stories,

It was names and pictures...

too too many names...

Each person who took part

playing a bongo, or a violin, 

a cello, or keyboard

a person singing,

 reading, 

calling their names...

Each person was a doctor, or a nurse, 

a custodian, or hospital worker, 

our beloved music and art therapists 

all took part honoring our child,

It was personal.

One of the doctors read this...

"I know Your names"

author unknown

I know your names

You were here for hours

Days

Months

Years

Too young to die

Too young to leave your parents

Who will never be the same

Your names are written

In their lives forever

They will remember your birthdays, with

"If only" and "Would have beens"

They will count each year

And measure you by your friends 

They will mourn your graduations...

Ball games...

Marriages...

They will hold you in their dreams

They will cradle your teddies

And sleep with your blankets

They will yearn for the scent of you...

Long gone from your clothes

They will walk into your darkened rooms 

And hope that tonight ....

You will be there

They fear they may forget your face...

Your smile...

Your voice...

They will hold onto the grief that 

Binds their love to you

They will remember the insidious unknowns

That stole your breath

stopped your beating heart

They will relive your last days...

Last touches...

Last breaths...

And rewind them again and again until

They are tight in their mind's eyes

I weep for your mother's

Your Father's

Your Siblings,

Your Grandparents, 

Your friends,

And all those who 

Will never know you

And when time 

Silences the voice of solace

I will say your name

And remember

At the end of the service...

My mom and sister gasped in unbelief 

as the musicians started strumming the chords....

And they began to play the song...

the very song

Calli and I always danced to together

it was our song.

I shoved my face into Mikes arm

and I wept so thankfully

so bitterly

So longingly

for my Calli Mae... 

It was a message...from my sweets...